Bets, have you ever really done it, all the way?

When I was a kid, late night movies were all about letters. Oh, I'm not talking about PG and R. Uh-uh. I'm talking about the letters that preceded the actual start of the film. Letters such as L and V. Those were cool, but nothing to stay up until 3 for. BN might be interesting, so too SC. But N was the letter that my friends and I would stand up and cheer for. You'd give up Saturday morning for N. Remember kids, we didn't always have the internet to meet the salacious needs of growing boys.

1983. When boobs ruled the earth.

That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ice.

Is it getting awkward in here? No, relax. I honestly didn't even know what I was getting myself into when I DVR'd this one months ago. Seriously, right about the time I started this blog,  I began recording random movies left and right. Most have been sitting there forever. Last night, I decided I'd watch the shortest one and that so happened to be the 80's sex-romp, Private School. Two words: Oh. My.

Let me get this out of the way: this movie sucks. There's no story. At all. The only semblance of plot is that our two main characters, Jim and Christine (played by Matthew Modine and Phoebe Cates), want to have sex. Yep. They've decided it's time to get-it-on. Woo. Weee. And for some reason, the super-hot, yet (surprise!) super-bitch Jordan wants to do him instead. Yes, friends, that's it. If that sounds interesting to you, well, you should probably go outside more. Or read. Reading's cool.

If you're still here, congratulations. You love movies. Oh, wait. You didn't say movies, did you? You said boobies. Well, dear reader, this movie delivers in spades. Honestly. Maybe movies today have become too conservative to overflow in female nudity (for awhile however, it seemed like the dong was making a comeback - thank you, Dirk Diggler), but in the 80's, the objectification of women was funny! We have to watch them shower, we have to. Oh, and if their shirt rips open and they run away in horror? We laugh and point. Then we laugh some more! Maybe even a high-five and a thumbs up!
So many scenes in this movie, while titillating, were shameful, too. I kept thinking to myself, that's assualt, brotha. They play a videogame that has two buttons: thrust and withdraw. Crass, I tell you. Crass.

Betsy Russell (third from left) hates shirts. Hates them.

 13 Signs it's an 80's flick:

Reading aloud from a romance novel? Who does that?
Oh, wait. Everyone.

• Everyone dances like Elaine. I mean, everyone.
• The soundtrack is relentless. I mean how many full songs are we going to play? A shit-ton.
• Someone drinks a can of RC Cola. In an arcade. 
• More than one scene takes place at a pay phone.
• The finger-in-the-mouth gesture is used. 
• Spoken line: "Hot beef injection." Yep.
• Going on a panty-raid? Bosom Buddies-style drag is somehow a legitimate disguise.
• All female's pants must be higher than their bellybuttons. Like, for sure!
• There's a nice car. There's a pool. You know what happens next. And some guy will dive over a table. In slow motion.
• The screen freezes and it turns into a portrait style painting a la Family Ties.
• Parents Weekend at school? We should have a bikini volleyball game. Totally rad!
• People go cross-eyed to express sexual frustration. Cross-eyed! I mean, really.
• Old men fondling high school girls? Hysterical! Oh, 1983! You rascal!

Before I go, I will let you in an on old theory of mine. I used to believe that if more than two girls were hanging out (yes, we can say sleepover, I was like, 13 when I developed this theory), everybody ended up shirtless. Yes. Boobs maybe, but bras definitely. No girl ever, ever, confirmed this, but I held firm. Pretty sure the fine American who wrote this one believed the exact same thing.

And then put it to film.

Wow is the word you're looking for.

Okay, I have to make this quick. I just finished 2008's The Brothers Bloom and I have to tell you, I loved it. I might regret this one in the morning, but there was something about it that just got me. If I were in college, this is that moment after you've met a girl and you are so intrigued by her, you can't function. Maybe the feeling will wear off in a few hours, but tonight, it's going to haunt me. In a good way, obviously.

So, before this gets too awkward, let's get on to the film itself. I've never been one to rehash plots here, so I'll keep it brief; two brothers are trying to pull one last con before getting out of the game completely. Things get complicated when the mark - an always fascinating Rachel Weisz - proves to me more than either could manage. Also hard to manage is the level these cons reach and whether what we ever see is real or simply scripted by the elder Bloom, Stephen (played by the ever-cool Mark Ruffalo).

Formalities complete, what was it that got me? I don't know, exactly. If I go back to the analogy of meeting someone new, I suppose it goes to the vibe of the whole thing. Simultaneously mysterious and comforting. Next up, the looks. Damn if the cinematography isn't something to marvel. Each shot is framed in such a sumptuous way, it's mesmerizing. Also, the rapport. Each of the four main characters (I'll include Bang Bang) are so interesting and endearing, you'll buy whatever it is they are selling. Clearly, I did. And finally, the sound. I so loved the score that I am actually letting the blu ray menu repeat over and over (we might be going on an hour here). Additionally, the soundtrack is as vital as any dialogue in the film. Admiring it like the Drive soundtrack, actually.

Terrible picture. Fantastic montage.

Some thoughts before I shut it down:

• No one plays reluctant like Adrien Brody. I know it helps that the guy looks sad indefinitely, but he nails it here.
• Must Google: pinhole camera.
• If ever there is a movie to show men how to dress, it's this one. Seriously, their clothes ruled. And I never notice that kind of thing.
• Pretty sure it's federal law that you must love Rachel Weisz. Amazing.
• Collecting hobbies? I'm in.

And yes, Tati, now I have to see Brick.

I told you, my man Brad just crushes ass.

Mike Judge gets a pass. No matter what. Not even counting his legendary television work, the man behind Office Space gets the benefit of the doubt. Despite having a limited directorial resume (three live-action films), the guy is clearly a genius. Clearly. However...between you and me, I pretty much hated Idiocracy. The concept was brilliant, but I found the movie to be fairly, um, shitty. I want to blame it on my disdain for Dax Shepard, but I think the film simply didn't work. Maybe I need to see it again. Or, maybe it's a turd.

This nonsense brings me to last night's feature, 2009's Extract. Having a terrific cast gets this film as far as it does, but overall the movie doesn't deliver. I wanted to like it. I did. It's charming. It moves quickly. But, get this: it's not very funny. It has it's moments, but at best - you'll smile. Maybe a chuckle. Perhaps even a titter. Yeah. I went titter.

Obviously, I don't have much to say about this one. The whole movie might actually be about men losing their balls. Both a literal and figurative sense. See, one character gets his sack torn from him in a freak accident at the factory. The other, has such little stones that he considers insulating the bathroom so he can masturbate in peace, instead of confronting the bigger problem of his diminishing sex life. 

Affleck, you the bomb in Phantoms, yo..

Again, just like Idiocracy, the premise is there. It really is. Something is missing, though. And I think Judge is to blame. As I've mentioned, the cast is stellar. Teen Wolf, also, Jason Bateman, Spidey's boss J.K Simmons, caveman Ben Affleck, and Kelso's ex, Mila Kunis. Judge even makes his patented cameo. Oh, I should mention that my wife swears that Danny Devito is also in this. If he is, he plays the pivotal role of Mexican Factory Worker #7, and will appear in the background for about three seconds. I expect more from you, Penguin.

Nice bongos.

Despite this one basically sucking, here are some bright spots:

• Mila Kunis - I think we've got some DushFactor here, but she is lookin' good, friends. Very nice.
• Affleck! Seems like he showed up for a day, had some drinks, and created this character. Looked like a gigantic, homeless Jack Johnson.
• I watched an episode of The Simpsons right before this. Chief Wiggum calls 911 from his desk and is frustrated to find that it's busy. Very similar joke here. Very.

And with that, I bid you good evening.

Cheyenne, bunny rabbit...do you mind taking the children out now for the lesson. 'Cause it's gonna get grown up in here.

I'm 32. Clerks., Mallrats and Chasing Amy all came out when I was either in high school or a freshman in college. My point? Kevin Smith is partly responsible for this site. My love of movies started way before (probably with Gremlins, honestly), but his sharp writing and ridiculously unforgettable characters further cemented my affinity for all things cinema. The reason I mention this? Well, last night's film, Red State, is the latest from the man responsible for at least 40% of the words I uttered in the 90's. And that might be lowballing it.

Four hundred and sixty collars, all convicted. I hear he's even got two kills.

Well, after more than a decade, it looks like we've both grown up. And yes, things change. I no longer quote Brodie and T.S. every chance I get, and Smith has stepped far away from his Jersey-based universe. Red State may not work the entire time, but I found it effective and engaging. Especially the performance of the man pictured above, Michael Parks. Incredible.

What am I gonna do...with a gun rack?

I rented this last night from Redbox. I was looking for The Tree of Life, but stumbled upon this one instead. It was late, and I figured that since school is closed tomorrow, I could stay up and watch it alone. Surprise! My wife was awake and wanted to watch something. Shit. This is not going be her cup of tea. She asked, "What is it? What kind of movie is it?" I told her it was a Kevin Smith movie.

She said, "Oh, okay. It's a movie about some kids that takes place over, like, three days..."

What a weird summation of the Kevin Smith genre, right? But it's not bad. I was surprised (she usually doesn't concern herself with such details). Oh, wife. You so crazy.

With that, we settled in. She assumed comedy, and I certainly didn't want to burst that bubble. I'd say by about ten minutes in, she'd known that I'd duped her. But, she was hooked. Being that she doesn't watch a lot of violent movies, this one shook her at times. Each death made her emit that weird low-gasp sound that women often make (my mom makes the same sound every time she has to slam on the brakes, or a small child almost walks into the corner of something). I bit too, though some of the shortcomings distracted me. I appreciated the tight editing (88 minutes!), but the jump cuts drove me crazy at times. It can be cool, but it seemed overdone and unnecessary. Whatever. It's not a dealbreaker.

You want a toe? I can get you a toe.

One last thing! John Goodman was very solid in this one. Dan Conner delivers one of the finest film performances of his long career (though Walter from The Big Lebowski will never be topped). His agility may come into question during the shootouts, but his cajones were never doubted. Good stuff.

Damn. One more thing! I thought the sermon was very well written and impressively delivered. I read that some found it too long. Idiots. I found it amazingly hypnotic. It provided all the answers to any questions I could ever have about the motivations for these crazy bastards. Chilling stuff.

You know, you're not as popular as you think you are.

Everybody knows that the amount of money a movie makes at the box office does not reflect its quality. I mean, a lot of shitty movies have raked it in, and many fantastic movies simply don't have mass appeal. I'm not going to get on my soap box and preach that the average movie-goer is some kind of slack-jawed inbred. Nah. I just find the numbers fascinating. Of the top-ten grossing movies of 2011, I managed to catch six of them in the theater. A surprise hit, and the tenth on that list, was the comedy Bridesmaids, which managed to earn $169 million at the box office this past summer (and if you're curious, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2  [review] reigned with $380 million). Seven down, three to go...

The one on the right? So hot. Want to touch the heiny.

Though my wife and I started the flick in the afternoon, we completed this one on the night of our three-year anniversary. Yeah, not terribly romantic, but at least we were keeping the wedding theme going. It wasn't like we watched this. That would've just been weird. But awesome, too.

Red beans and rice didn't miss her.

Ridiculous Japanese romantic comedies aside, how was Bridesmaids, you ask? Pretty damned funny. It starts out very strong, drags in the middle, but ends on a high note. My wife really enjoyed it, and I think that most guys will, too. Kristen Wiig, writer and star, really delivers.

Surprisingly though, the show is stolen by the lady pictured on the left, Melissa McCarthy. Usually the funny-fat girl is annoyingly one-note, but her character brings a lot to the movie. Yes, she shits in a sink - which may be a minus for some of you, but almost every line she delivers is uttered with such supreme confidence you have to buy in. For example:

Yeah, oh, shit. Took a hard hard violent fall, kinda pin-balled down. Hit a lot of railings, broke a lot of shit. I'm not gonna say I survived, I'm gonna say I thrived. I met a dolphin down there and I swear to God that dolphin, looked not at me, but into my soul, looked into my Goddamn soul.

 Maybe that's not that funny when you read it, but I nearly pissed myself when I heard it. Good times.

The other/last thing I want to mention is that I can't recall a movie where the people involved honestly loved each other. The off-screen friendship between Wiig and Maya Rudolph so obviously carried over it was like a documentary at times. Entire scenes looked like outtakes because their rapport was so strong. I know, stupid point, but it resonated with me for some reason. Reminded me of the ridiculous movies that we made in college. Movies where you just smiled no matter the scene because you were doing dumb shit with your friends and you couldn't help it.
Oh, you didn't make a lot of movies with your friends? You must have had a real major. Not me. Communications, anyone? Whatever. That's where I met my wife. Oh, yeah. Full-circle.

Start the punishment!

Tony Jaa, I love you. I do. I loved The Protector. That sequence at the end is legendary. I've never seen anything like it. But where my man-love truly began was on February 22nd, 2005. That was the night that I saw the original Ong-bak in the theater for the first time (I would see it again four days later with my younger brother, Nikos). Jaa ran across dudes heads and delivered countless devastating elbows to all parts of the body. There were flaming jump kicks and even a ridiculous double-knee drop from two-stories up. It. Was. Insane.

Thanks for the offer but my hands aren't going anywhere near your staff.

So, about all that goodwill? Gone. Ong Bak 3 is like a 90-minute Thai deodorant commercial. We get a shirtless Tony looking focused under a waterfall for what seems like an eternity. Yes, he does kick some ass (and it's decent), but not nearly enough to compensate for all the other nonsense. Not at all. If you like montages, this might be your frickin' Citizen Kane. Seriously, he trains for most of the movie. Not cool training either, where he kicks a tree for ten minutes, then punches someone's face through an elephant's tusk. But shitty training where he learns to uncurl his gnarled hands via interpretive dance, then hangs out in the crotch of a tree for a week. Not cool, Tony. This is no way to treat someone who loves you.

This poster is as exciting as the whole movie.

Is it all bad? Well, yes. Okay, some of the fights are cool (there's basically only three scenes). And thankfully, elephants are involved in the proceedings. But the list of cinematic travesties is too long to mention. Sounds like a challenge!

Booooooooo! 

• Fog battle? Bullshit. You will show fists landing. I have no imagination. I need to see everything.
• Was that beard CGI? I mean the beheading was bad enough, but the Jesus-beard looked like it was glued on using elephant jizz. Shameful.
• Crow Guy? Looked like a Thai Vince Neil. But with more mascara. And he never sings "Home Sweet Home." Lame.
• Comic Relief Guy? I remember him being somewhat acceptable in the first one. But by the 3rd one he's just stupid. Even if he says balls. Actually, that's where I'd like to punch him.
• What does this have to do with the first one at all? Tell me. No wait, don't. 
• Written by Tony Jaa. Directed by Tony Jaa. Produced by Tony Jaa. Fight Scenes choreographed by Tony Jaa. That dump on your face? Tony Jaa did that, too.

You sure you're up for this?

That a shadow on the wall? Or a stain? One's scary, one's just gross.

I have to say this right out of the gate; I've never seen the first two Paranormal Activity movies. Nope. I started to watch the first one illegally online (my students told me where to go) and I got scared. First, because I thought the movie was genuinely eery, and second, because it was frighteningly simple to basically steal a movie. I'm all for lifting music, but film? That's sacred.

Anyway, who begins a trilogy with the third movie? I guess I'm that guy, but as far as I know - it doesn't matter. Apparently Paranormal Activity 3 is actually the beginning of the whole thing. Awesome, right? Right.

Three paragraphs in, let's discuss the movie, shall we? I had read some reviews prior, because in all honesty, I never thought I'd watch one of these movies, let alone the third one (can we say final? No. No we can't). Most professional reviews stated that it's too much of retread of the first two. The internet basically said, "Worst.Movie.Ever." Oh, Internet. You're so silly.

For me, alone in the theater on a Tuesday night, I was actually pretty nervous. These damn found-footage flicks are so quiet. You sit there and wait. And wait. Then, you wait some more. While that may drive 90% of you into a rage-induced frenzy, it got to me. Every swinging light or magically shutting door was what relaxed me. Waiting for that shit to happen? Madness, I tell you. Mad. Ness.

Perfect mix of creepy and sweet. But mostly creepy.

The little scares are decent, but probably tired to fans of the trilogy. Some of the bigger moments -which I won't spoil- are pretty damn shocking. Yeah, you probably saw them coming (you're so smart), but I was rattled. It got to the point where I didn't want anybody to go into the kitchen for anything. No midnight snack, okay, bitches? Damn oscillating-fan-cam heightened everything, too. It pans left and right so slowly, you have entirely too much time to think about what you might see. The tension was palpable.

Does it seem like I enjoyed this one? Damn. I think I liked it. Maybe even a lot. Certainly worth the $3 I shelled out.

Please don't think this one is perfect. It isn't. But, it's scary enough, if you allow it to be. If you sit there with your friends and trash all the ridiculousness (seriously, Dennis, you're running for your life, but you grab the camera...again? C'mon, dude), then it'll probably end up being a steaming pile of malodorous dog shit. But get in a cold, dark, almost-empty theater? And really focus...I don't know. It might not be dog shit you smell. That might be...you. 

Not to go eleven-year-old girl on you, but my 9th birthday was "Night #5" - that's some bonus points right there. Wonder what I asked for...

[Not to go eleven-year-old girl on you again, but after I submitted this, I heard a strange noise in my house (it's super-quiet, right now). Sounded like a dog toy being squeezed. My sleeping dog wakes up. A minute later, we hear the sound of my son standing on his crib mattress upstairs (it's after 11:30). My dog gets up, fur standing on back, and growls in the direction of the empty kitchen. But he won't go in it. Shit. Damn this movie. Damn it. And my son never moved!] 

These questions that are bothering you, Larry - maybe they're like a toothache. We feel them for a while, then they go away.

After putting my son down, then falling asleep myself, I awoke to find my wife perusing the blu-ray collection. It was after 11 (which is like 4 a.m for parents of a toddler) and I was surprised to find her getting ready to watch something. I jumped in the shower to wake up (she pounded some coffee - gross), then met her on the couch. She had two movies selected, The Fighter (review) and A Serious Man. I was thinking we should watch something scary, but, check the rules, that wasn't happening. Instead, it was off to Hebrew school. Luckily for us, the bus drivers were two of my favorite people in cinema, Joel and Ethan Coen.

From here, you can see boobies. And allow your annoying-ass son to watch F-Troop.

My goodness. I don't consider myself a genius or anything, but damn it, I was unable to connect the opening scene in this movie to anything that came after it. My wife said that if our living room had been the theater, we would've assumed we walked into the wrong auditorium. Well said. It was amusing, but what the Hell was the point? Nothing like being absolutely lost right out of the gate...

That's Strickland? Jesus. Didn't that guy ever have hair?

That said, this one might be a tough sell for many of you. After I scored this one on the cheap at a closing Blockbuster, I sought a little more information. The guy reviewing it said that you'd be better-served if you knew a little about physics and/or Jewish culture. Well, hot damn! Sign me up! Other than New England sports and Dreamcast games, those two are my specialty!

Look, don't let that discourage you. Given that you are in the right mood, this film is really funny. The Coen brothers are masters of Murphy's law. Literally, everything that could happen to our protagonist, Larry, does. Some of this is funny enough, but the real humor comes from how he handles it . He becomes unhinged toward the end, but in the most restrained way possible. I might have killed someone. Probably the a-hole neighbor. Or Sy. Sy and his giant hands and long hugs. What a prick.


Before I go, I have to mention the ending. I love an abrupt ending as much as the next guy (Eyes Wide Shut, No Country for Old Men), but this one might set a record. It's not quite mid-sentence, but it's pretty damn close.

Don't ask me why I can't leave without my wife. I won't ask you how you can.

Say it with me, Josh Duhamel and Timothy Olyphant are different people. One often finds himself fighting transforming robots from space, and the other stars in the 2010 remake, The Crazies. Last night I decided to give this one a spin, feeling obligated to watch something scary. Now, any of the Transformers movies would've qualified, but I was looking to be scared by the number of mindless zombies in the film, not by the number of those watching it.

We open with a scene of a town ravaged by an unknown force. Screen goes black. Two days earlier is written on the screen. I was hooked. Imaging the total devastation of life in less than 48 hours was intriguing. For the most part, it's played incredibly straight, too. At least initially, anyway.

Though the pacing seems to match its rural setting, it never really bothered me. It actually isn't as violent as I expected either. At one point, I actually wrote (yeah, I sometimes take notes...shut up about it) Not Scary. Not too gruesome. But then the scene in the nursery happened and I thought, scratch that. Intense! These mindless zombies can hold a grudge. What jerks. Oh, and the scene at the car wash was all kinds of awesome. And not for the reasons that car wash scenes are usually awesome. There's no time for the naughty bits. Realistic? Yes. But c'mon, neither is the finale in the big rig, but that made it in.

One major fault that I had with this one centered around the main character's wife, Judy, the town doctor. She's pretty - that's appreciated, she kicks just enough ass - thanks there, but she also is the center of much of the drama. More than a few times she's at the business end of some ol' fashioned zombie rage (the pitchfork scene was pretty cool). Problem is, never, and I mean never, did I think she was gonna get it. And without that, I was left to see how they were going to make it out town alive. And the ultimate move to spring them was pretty weak, but whatever. I still enjoyed the ride. It's not everyday you see a guy shot in the head playing the Ortiz shift at second. That was cool.

Anybody else feel like playing Left for Dead?

5 Things to look for:

1. The mayor is obviously a Jaws fan. You can't shut off the water! It's crop season! C'mon, dude.
2. You find a guy with his eyes and mouth sewn shut. You cut his mouth free so he can tell you, "Behind you," and save your ass. Hmmm. About that...
3. No one gets run over! Wait? Isn't this a zombie movie? Somebody owes me a dollar. If not two.
4. Did Peter call? Did Peter call? Did Peter call?
5. Hey, Cedar rapids! Sorry about that.