You're all barely-functioning, self-absorbed weirdos.

A couple weeks back, my good friend Dunphy finally got married to his long-time girlfriend, Julie.

And while it looks to be one of the last weddings I'll attend (that I'm not paying for), I learned some valuable lessons that late-fall evening that I'd like to share with you, if that's okay.

• Do get a wedding card at Wal-Mart on the way, as no one really gives a f--k about a piece of folded cardboard (especially if you write that you got it at Wal-Mart inside the card).
• Do eat beforehand, even if it's at a gas station, as no one wants to be that guy just f--king killing hors d'oeuvres at the reception.
• Don't forget your dress shoes at work, as no one should wear Converse sneakers to a wedding that isn't a little kid or fat, mustachioed hipster. (I'm neither...for the most part).
• Don't change your entire outfit while driving down a fairly busy Schuylkill Expressway, as it's not only unsafe, but it's borderline impossible to not look like an unemployed gigolo upon your arrival.
• Don't enter the front doors of the church, as you'll pretty much be a part of the ceremony. The worst part. 

But most importantly? Like, tattoo this shit on your f--king arm and never forget it level of importance? 

• Don't, as a married man with kids, absolutely don't... go to a wedding...without a f--king date.

While my wife bailed on me for Dunphy's wedding, she hung in all the way through the decidedly-average raunch-com, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. Essentially a movie I pledged never to see, Mike and Dave ends up being charming enough and watchable, thanks solely to, well, Mike and Dave.

Handsome man-children that they are, older brother Mike (Adam Devine) and younger brother Dave (Zac Efron) simply can't be trusted at family events. And when their baby-sister announces she's having a destination wedding in Hawai'i (naturally), the gang's father demands his sons get their shit together. The deal? Bring respectable girls to the wedding, or stay the f--k away.

But Mike and Dave don't know any respectable girls, silly goose, (who knew being young and handsome was such a downer), so before going to bed they throw an ad on Craigslist and assume a few ladies will hit 'em up in the morning. But that shit totally goes viral, and soon enough, Mike and Dave are the talk of D-list New York. 

Catching wind of this potentially free trip to the most lovely state in the Union, are two hardcore stoner chicks, Alice and Tatiana (Aubrey Plaza and Anna Kendrick, respectively). This pair may look the part of nice girls you could bring home to Mom (after hosing them down 12 Monkey's style, anyway), but surprising no one, they ain't. Unless your mom's into 27 year-old women that act like eighth grade boys, of course. Oh, she is? Soooo...you wanna hang out later, or...stuff?