However, please know, it is with sincere regret that I must now kill all of you.

I remember this time in seventh grade when I had a bunch of friends over my house. Throughout the night I was eating Cheetos by the handful. The first two or three were delicious. The next couple, not so much. After the eighth one, things weren't looking so good. As everyone else slept, I stumbled out of my bedroom, careful to avoid strung out kids sprawled on the floor, and headed toward the bathroom. Even though it was mere steps away, I didn't make it. I threw up this incredible amount of bright orange sludge. Clueless, panicked and half-awake, I returned to my room and pretended the whole thing never happened.

Dark Shadows marks the eighth time that Johnny Depp and Tim Burton have worked together. And while this professional relationship peaked early with the unforgettable Edward Scissorhands (1990) and Ed Wood (1994), things have been inconsistent since. That's probably putting it kindly. In fact, the last two, for me, have been borderline disasters. Maybe not to the level of hours-old orange retch, but still. These guys are too talented to misfire at this point in their respective careers.

Dark Shadows is the film adaptation of some old soap that means nothing to me. Here, we are privy to the tale of Barnabas Collins who has awoken in the 1970's after being cursed with eternal life hundreds of years prior. Barnabas (Depp) has always had his way with the ladies, and things are no different when he awakes. More pressing however, is his sullied family name and business. And speaking of family, turns out they're all a little...wait for it...quirky. I know, I know. Shocking.