Placing things in a proper perspective is supposed to make you feel better. You're knee deep in shit? Well, at least it's not up to your neck. F--k, now it is up to your neck? Shoot, somewhere a dead guy is wishing he was buried in shit. At least you're alive, you know? [Technically...that dead guy is a selfish asshole, as he's already buried and now he wants to choose in what.]
Anyway, this game(/entire wesbite) is pointless, until you're willing to admit, you don't have it so badly. I say this, because I think I was witness to a new low in cinematic awfulness. And while I would love to be able to say my most recent watch was truly absolutely f--king awful, I guess, of course...
It could be worse.
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| It's no accident that he's shaped like a dick. |
Where I used to be fine with lamenting Hollywood's massive cash-green boner for making sucky film versions of better books and better films, now I officially can say that I long for the days when they'll make films out of better...apps? Yes friends, with The Angry Birds Movie I'd love to tell you we've catapulted through rock bottom (one handed, while taking a dump), but I'll hold my tongue till the inevitable sequel is eventually released. In Hell.
(Or in three to four years, when the decide to reboot The Angry Birds Franchise with younger actors)
But enough about that, I mean, the real question here is why the f--k did you see this what, dammit, is the movie actually about? Well, since you asked so nicely...
On a small, picturesque island in the middle of nowhere, a bunch of birds are living their stupid, miserable little lives. One day, a mysterious pig shows up like an asshole. He and his friends want to have a massive rave. Sounds...uh, cool, I guess. Except that he also wants to steal and eat all the birds' eggs (which, as we've seen in the opening two minutes, contain fully-functional, doe-eyed adorable little baby birds). So, yeah. This is basically a horror movie.
