Back when movie theaters were an option, occasionally, and this isn't something I'm necessarily proud of, I wouldn't go. No, not in the obvious sense of not going-not going, more the idea of buying a ticket with the specific intention of doing something entirely different. While I'm sure that seems f--king stupid on many fronts (it is), hear me out. Regal Cinemas, my home away from home, often runs a promotion where if you see a certain number of films, you get a certain number of films.
But, of course, you gotta see them all. See 4, Get 4. You see only three? F--k you and the horse you rode in on. Fine, you get a free small popcorn, but still. Anyhow, there were times when catching all four wasn't in the cards, so I'd grab a ticket and the head the f--k home. At least I'll eventually get to see it, right? Right.
Even if it totally sucks ass.
Film: Countdown (2019)
Runtime: 90 min Rating: PG-13
Audience: Just me
Status: Not on my phone
It's just an app.
Countdown, to its credit, doesn't f--k around. We're less than two minutes in, and these college/high-school types are already dowloading the app that tells you the exact moment you're going to die. Now, if this were the eighties, we'd have already had a sex and/or shower scene, but what this film lacks in salaciousness, it makes up in brevity. And shockingly...brutality.
See, it's not really clear how you're going to die, just when, and if you somehow do something you shouldn't (for example, don't drive home with your clearly intoxicated boyfriend), you, and I wish I were kidding, violate the terms and conditions. So not only does the app predict your death, it also assumes you're a total f--king moron, entirely opposed to self-preservation. Though, the way we use our phones, that might not be such a leap.
Shit, speaking of leaps, even if you have zero interest in this movie, let me tell you, the first two deaths are tremendous. It's unclear why one would hit the ledge of their bathtub as if dropped from a f--king plane, but apparently, you can't avoid death...even if you totally did. Think Final Destination, minus all the clever shit that will eventually kill you. Here, you don't slip on the shampoo in the tub. You just get dropped on your head in the bathroom. FROM SPACE.
Yay: Push notifications are accompanied by the best worst sound ever. Like, might want to mute that.
Boo: Peter Facinelli plays Dr. Sullivan, a nice enough guy, until you give him a boner.
Homeschool Lesson of the Day: One way or another, that phone is going to kill you.
But, of course, you gotta see them all. See 4, Get 4. You see only three? F--k you and the horse you rode in on. Fine, you get a free small popcorn, but still. Anyhow, there were times when catching all four wasn't in the cards, so I'd grab a ticket and the head the f--k home. At least I'll eventually get to see it, right? Right.
Even if it totally sucks ass.
 |
| Okay, fine. That poster is moderately clever. |
Runtime: 90 min Rating: PG-13
Audience: Just me
Status: Not on my phone
It's just an app.
Countdown, to its credit, doesn't f--k around. We're less than two minutes in, and these college/high-school types are already dowloading the app that tells you the exact moment you're going to die. Now, if this were the eighties, we'd have already had a sex and/or shower scene, but what this film lacks in salaciousness, it makes up in brevity. And shockingly...brutality.
See, it's not really clear how you're going to die, just when, and if you somehow do something you shouldn't (for example, don't drive home with your clearly intoxicated boyfriend), you, and I wish I were kidding, violate the terms and conditions. So not only does the app predict your death, it also assumes you're a total f--king moron, entirely opposed to self-preservation. Though, the way we use our phones, that might not be such a leap.
Shit, speaking of leaps, even if you have zero interest in this movie, let me tell you, the first two deaths are tremendous. It's unclear why one would hit the ledge of their bathtub as if dropped from a f--king plane, but apparently, you can't avoid death...even if you totally did. Think Final Destination, minus all the clever shit that will eventually kill you. Here, you don't slip on the shampoo in the tub. You just get dropped on your head in the bathroom. FROM SPACE.
Yay: Push notifications are accompanied by the best worst sound ever. Like, might want to mute that.
Boo: Peter Facinelli plays Dr. Sullivan, a nice enough guy, until you give him a boner.
Homeschool Lesson of the Day: One way or another, that phone is going to kill you.
