It took me about a decade to get over Braveheart. Any thing in the ballpark of historical epic utterly failed in my eyes, simply because it wasn't the tale of William Wallace (and his uncle. Argyle).
In 2000, most people I knew lost their collective shit after seeing Gladiator, and many of my friends insisted it was the best movie ever made. Not even close, a-holes. Sure, it was okay, but it wasn't f--king Mel Gibson and a thousand dirty Scotsmen laying waste to droves of English soldiers.
And if Ridley Scott's movie really was that great, well, where's its years-late, mostly unnecessarily, totally inferior PG-13 sequel, huh? It never got one of those, right?
Ohhhhh. About that...
Fine, 2010's Robin Hood has nothing to do with Gladiator, but it might have even less to do with f--king Robin Hood. Again pairing star Russel Crowe and director Ridley Scott, this swords-and-arrows epic tells the (untold/unwanted) origin story of Robert of Loxley. I mean, Robin of Loxley. I mean, Robin Roberts. Of Nottingham?
Okay, most of that may be totally wrong. Here's what I do know:
Crowe plays Robin Bigdick Longstride, a fairly badass archer in King Richard the Lionhearts' army. For whatever reason, King Dick himself fights along side his men. And on one typically gloomy English day, he's (rather unceremoniously) shot in the f--king neck and killed. Bummer, right? Guess we ought to send his crown home and let everyone know the King is dead. Long live the King.
But on the way to fully deserting the royal army, Robin and his dudes stumble across an ambush of the King's crown and all of a sudden decide to be honorable. Not only are they going to return the crown, but Robin decides to return the sword of a dying soldier, the (possibly) aforementioned Robert of Loxley. You with me so far? Of course not.
