The summer of 1999 was over seventeen years ago.
Back then, the twenty year-old version of myself didn't have a wife and kids to worry about. Nor did that handsome bastard have a career to waste seven and half hours a day on (I consider lunch to be rather productive). He didn't even have a home, really, as when he wasn't moving into or out of a dorm room, he slept in his little brother's bedroom (subsequently relegating that punk to the den).
However, that twenty year-old kid and I aren't all that different. I'm still obsessed with seeing as many new movies as a can, still get quietly giddy at the thought of going to the movies. And I'm still hopelessly willing to give a film a chance whether it's hyped as the next big thing, or a boring rehash of the same old shit.
Oh, and when it comes to movies, yeah, I'm still not scared of bundles of f--king sticks.
What the f--k, Blair Witch? Don't you know how this sequel thing goes? You're supposed to shit the bed of the original by deviating from what the made the first one good, not to ruin it by doing the same f--king thing again. That's what remakes are for, silly goose! (And f--k you if you think you can do both at the same time, 'cause that shit's impossible...ish. [I'm still not sure what to make of Evil Dead II, honestly...]).
Just like last time, the film is comprised of the found footage left behind by some nosy f--king college kids, who had headed into some Maryland woods looking for a mysterious witch. While in the original we had three annoying a-holes to account for, like any shitty sequel, we're gonna go bigger and double that number to six. Now we get to pitch our tents with White Guy and White Girl, Black Couple, and the impossibly stupid duo, Local F--kwads, They probably have names, but by the end of another eighty-plus minutes of running and heavy breathing, you definitely won't care what they were.
But just in case you do, or will, here's what else you need to know: White Guy's sister was that girl with the runny nose in the first one, and some recent footage has been posted online showing her reflection in a bathroom mirror. White Guy was little when his sister (Heather?) disappeared in the woods, so of course it makes sense that he heads back into the same ones to find her. Now, if say my brother had supposedly died while riding a go-kart down the wrong way of an interstate, I probably wouldn't pull the same move to go find him. But White Guy doesn't roll that way. Nope. He decides that not only must he go into the scary woods to find her twenty years later, but that, yes, he's totally going to film it, too. It worked out so well the first time....
Back then, the twenty year-old version of myself didn't have a wife and kids to worry about. Nor did that handsome bastard have a career to waste seven and half hours a day on (I consider lunch to be rather productive). He didn't even have a home, really, as when he wasn't moving into or out of a dorm room, he slept in his little brother's bedroom (subsequently relegating that punk to the den).
However, that twenty year-old kid and I aren't all that different. I'm still obsessed with seeing as many new movies as a can, still get quietly giddy at the thought of going to the movies. And I'm still hopelessly willing to give a film a chance whether it's hyped as the next big thing, or a boring rehash of the same old shit.
Oh, and when it comes to movies, yeah, I'm still not scared of bundles of f--king sticks.
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| And you're boring, and you're totally ordinary, and you know it. |
Just like last time, the film is comprised of the found footage left behind by some nosy f--king college kids, who had headed into some Maryland woods looking for a mysterious witch. While in the original we had three annoying a-holes to account for, like any shitty sequel, we're gonna go bigger and double that number to six. Now we get to pitch our tents with White Guy and White Girl, Black Couple, and the impossibly stupid duo, Local F--kwads, They probably have names, but by the end of another eighty-plus minutes of running and heavy breathing, you definitely won't care what they were.
But just in case you do, or will, here's what else you need to know: White Guy's sister was that girl with the runny nose in the first one, and some recent footage has been posted online showing her reflection in a bathroom mirror. White Guy was little when his sister (Heather?) disappeared in the woods, so of course it makes sense that he heads back into the same ones to find her. Now, if say my brother had supposedly died while riding a go-kart down the wrong way of an interstate, I probably wouldn't pull the same move to go find him. But White Guy doesn't roll that way. Nope. He decides that not only must he go into the scary woods to find her twenty years later, but that, yes, he's totally going to film it, too. It worked out so well the first time....
