It makes my balls hurt.

Check your local movie times. Is there a movie starting in the eight o'clock hour? If your theater is anything like mine, the answer is most likely no, not at all you silly bastard. Last night, that was my window. My wife came home too late to catch anything in the seven o'clock hour and everything else would end too late. Logistically, one film fit. Just one. With an expiring free pass in hand, I halfheartedly headed to the 8:00 pm showing of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.

This is his last ride, right? Please.

Though I've seen the preview a million times (where he cracks his neck in slow motion on the ramp), I've never completed the original Ghost Rider. Some parts looked cool, but the actual Rider himself, for me, is hard to take seriously. I know that's a ludicrous statement on countless levels, but as badass as it may have looked in comics, it doesn't translate well to live-action. I mean, your main character, in a story relatively based in reality, has a flaming skull for a head. Nicolas Cage (who has drifted into caricature status) seems at home being knee-deep in ridiculousness, but I wasn't. I don't know about the other two people in Theater 1, but I was pissed.

Despite a few inspired sequences, the whole thing came off so unnecessary. Curse you, logistics! Why couldn't The Grey have started at eight, or even some highbrow stuff, like The Artist or, um, Underworld 4.

Before the breakdown, I think it's time I revisit my stance on 3D. I would say, generally, that I'm cool with it (it made Avatar good). But last night, it was atrocious. It added nothing at all to the flick. Nothing. Unless eye-popping sun glare is your thing.