I still prefer The Babadook.

Despite the fact that I would probably sacrifice an appropriate number of goats to make it so, turns out, it will never be December of 1996 again. 

Even worse, we're over twenty-five years from that motherf--ker, which just so happened to be winter break of my senior year of high school. Holy shit, right? Do you remember when you rounded the corner of 12th grade, knowing that the end was in sight? I can't actually remember it anymore, but I'm going to assume it was a magical time. My whole life was in front of me, you know? The possibilities were infinite.

But now, I sit here as a slightly-broken, slightly-balding, exhausted middle-aged jerk-off. As much as I always jump at the chance to revisit anything from my youth, it turns out they're right. You can't ever go home again.

Even if you live in Stu Macher's house.

Ah, Scream...5, 5cream?, uh, Scream 2022, um, Scream (the New One), how I wanted to love you so. After being away from Woodsboro for so long, not to mention meeting Neve Campbell at a Con a few years back (she was charming and so sweet to my daughter), I honestly couldn't wait to get back. But I had forgotten one thing, one very important thing. I'm old now. And the real stars of this movie? They aren't. So, shocking no one, I didn't really give a damn about the fate of any of these people.

Somewhat clever, somewhat cloying, this latest iteration of Scream is borderline impossible to define, despite characters onscreen attempting to do so. Literally. Half remake, half reboot, two-quarters legacy film, and fifty-percent top-to-bottom look how smart we are wank-fest, this flick, dedicated to the legendary Wes Craven, has yet another masked psycho, er, psychos, terrorizing the residents of Woodsboro. But not just any random a-holes, right? They're targeting people connected to the original murders...like, Sydney Prescott's neighbor's uncle's cousin type-of-shit. Er, something. Alright, it's not that convoluted...but it might as well be.

Even if the connections are a bit out there and definitely on the not many end of the How many f--ks should I give? spectrum, there's still enough, possibly just enough, of the old magic to have a wee bit of fun. While nothing will probably ever compare with a bra-less Rose McGowan getting caught in the ol' garage door/pet door of Doom, seeing what's left of the old gang back together was probably worth it. Better still, our returning trio are old, and have seen it all, and their f--k this shit attitudes really made my day, mostly because it was awesome, but partly because I couldn't have agreed more. 

Speaking of things that have probably/certainly run their course, here are the Yays and Boos. I went ahead and dipped back in to the old format for this flick, because in addition to having no backlog of films to write about (f--king great feeling, let me tell you), the In & Out posts are almost the same length as my regular posts at this point. Maybe it's time to let the old ways die... who the f--k let Jackson Maine in here?

Does Neve count as a scream queen? Cause she's the one.

Yaaaaaaaay!

• Holy crap that broken leg was brutal! Is that what kind of party this is? *sees knife slowly slide into side of neck* Oh, it is. Carry on.
• Don't remember who the Hell Obviously Sketchy Guy was in relation to everyone else, but I fully support how quickly he gets it right in the mullet.
• I read that Mason Gooding's Chad character was supposed to die, but he was simply too charming and I fully get thAT HOLY SHIT CUBA GOODING, JR. IS HIS DAD????? Sorry, quick Google search during this bullet point has elevated this kid my legit hero. So, yeah, he rules even more now, assuming that's even possible. Rod Tidwell, Jr.? Yes, please.
• While we're talking/drooling about/over Chad, I actually laughed out loud at the Hobbes and Shaw line. My biceps? Uh, they go by Thelma and Louise, thanks for asking.
• Okay, what was with that Billy Loomis footage? I love it, but it's terrifying...ly good? Reminded me of when like Biggie was in videos after he died, you now?
• Man, I almost clapped when Deputy Dewey showed up, but then I realized we only do that for Andrew Garfield. Anyhow, loved Arquette here, and loved his initial, here are the rules, and please f--k the f--k off now that you know them,
• Neve Campbell is as pretty as ever, and it was fantastic seeing her on the big screen again. I don't really remember how we left Sid (I haven't seen anything outside of the original in years), but at this point she's pretty much a killing machine, with zero f--ks left for just about anything.
• And finally, if you're old enough, do you remember how electric the movie theater was when the original Scream released? Holy shit, it was incredible, with people, um, screaming all over the damn place (it was f--king ridiculous, trust me). My showing for the update, with the social-distancing and general lack of theatrical interest had a vibe similar to any part of the public library that doesn't have the computers, so this Yay is a bit retroactive, if that's cool with you?

Boooooooooooo!

• Okay, a nice house with a landline? Is it too early to start rolling my eyes yet, I mean, I just sat down.
• Wait, that kid isn't Percy Jackson? Are you sure? (Google tells me he's the Goosebumps kid, apparently)
• So, teenagers, right? *adjust out-of-style everything* Yeah, f--k 'em. 
• Whoever the Hell the Boyfriend Guy was, he looked like a mash up between Justin Timberlake and Danny Masterson, right? Anyway, I wasn't a fan of this dude from the jump, as he gave off a very not ever going to save your life in a murderous situation vibe, even whilst comforting our girl outside of the bowling alley he works at (strike two, Half-Hyde, you human piece of garbage),
• There is way too much talk about who is the killer, when it's obvious that one of them is the killer. Like, people are seriously injured, or I don't know, legit f--king dead, and these a-holes are debating with the same intensity as asking who left the fridge open? If we're going to talk about the killer openly, how about these movie obsessed d-holes discuss The Killer, John Woo's f--king masterpiece.
• I don't care if it doesn't apply here, but the worst mistake this (or any, frankly) franchise ever made was killing off Randy. Whatever mention he got here, while appreciated, only made it hurt more. And between you and me, his death was so unspectacular, they could totally undo that shit. Just bring have him jump out of a van and say that some Tusken Raiders saved him.
• And speaking of deaths, half of these mfers are invincible, right? Like you can get shot, stabbed or both, and they react like owwwwww my belly. The body count was way too low (as was the sexy-time, yes? HAVE WE NO RESPECT FOR THE RULES???)
• F--k me, did they milk that open door/closed door fake-ass scare tactic for all it was worth. Had to be a record of some kind (I'm a fan of that move, for sure, but sooo overdone here).
• Was it me, or did this f--ker kind of fall in on itself at times? Are they talking about Scream or Stab? Is there a difference? What the Hell is going on here? What does a horseshoe do? Are there horse socks?
• That hospital escape was fixing to be the world's slowest escape scene this side of The Last Jedi. If her wheelchair had had square wheels, that might have actually sped things up, sweet jesus.
• Not the movies fault at all, but I went to an eleven pm show and some motherf--kers had two little kids there (two girls, probably 8 and 10). What the f--k is this parental move? The movie ended after one in the goddamned morning for f--k's sake. Now off to sleep, little ladies.
• And finally, I guess they are planning more of these movies? Really? Does anyone really need another one (as in, is the younger audience really gonna show up again? [did they show up this time?]) What will the next one be called, Scream 6? Scream Again? Scream 2 Part II? My vote is I Scream U Scream We All Scream Because Life is Pointless.

We've clearly locked down that it will never be 1996 again, and while that sucks pretty hard, it probably won't ever be 2019 again, either. Outside of the occasional Marvel flick, I'm not sure we'll ever that electric opening night electricity ever again, the one that the original Scream makes me remember so fondly. Shit, especially for something that isn't a remake/sequel/reboot/reimagining or whatever.

Maybe it really is time to let the old ways die, huh? Who knew that handsome f--ker Jackson Maine was so prophetic? At least that movie wasn't a remake, right?

RIGHT?