I love bad movies.
Maybe not as much as I used to, back in that place where the beer flowed like wine, but even in my forties, terrible flicks can still be a great time. With that advanced age, comes advanced wisdom (or it should). And like any responsible adult, I now know my limits. One bad movie at a time, you know?
Not f--king FOUR OF THEM.
|This came out on Valentine's Day? Aww, so romantic.|
What the actual f--k, Fantasy Island? What were you thinking, Blumhouse? It's not that I remember a goddamned thing about the old television show (outside of Tattoo shitting his tiny pants about the plane), but I'd assume at the end of an episode, the audience had something resembling a f--king clue. And the will to continue living.
Fine, maybe this rebooted idea had a chance on paper. A magical island is pretty f--king dumb, but done right, that shit translates into all bets are off. Tops, too. Unfortunately, instead of Alexandra Daddario having a slow-motion pillowfight with Gal Gadot for two hours, we get four increasingly shitty scenarios. In no particular order...
1) Two bros want to have an epic pool party, with sex and drugs...and jet skis. And guns? Whatever. This one at least makes a little bit of sense. Sort of. It's f--king awful, but yeah. Boobs. Dongs. Booze. Music that's cheap to license. It's all here. 2) A romantic proposal, redux. Sexy Lady said no effing way to some dude that wanted to marry her and now she wants a chance to finally say yes. Uh, okay. I guess? She initially said no because she thought she was a terrible person. How has that changed exactly? 3) Saw, part 900. Some chick was bullied in high school, and of all the possible dreams she could have, torturing her old bully tops her list. Giving Brad Pitt a handjob was probably second. Regardless, this one is stupid and painful and makes me want to bully whoever wrote it. 4) A dude wants to enlist in the army, because his dad died...in the army. Yeah, f--k this one, too. Top to bottom, I'd rather wash my hair with fresh diarrhea than ever talk about it again.