Garbage blows in my face sometimes.

Today, the hockey season will finally begin. If you're not a fan, you likely don't give a damn. And even if you are a fan, you should do your best not to, either. See, the owners and the players couldn't get their shit together, and half the season was forfeited.  At this point, no one cares, but for a minute or two, I missed hockey. Really. I mean, few other professional sports allow two players space and time to beat the shit out of each other. 

With sticks.

Goon tells the dreaded based on a true story of hockey enforcer Doug 'The Thug' Glatt. I'm not interested enough to research the facts, but it's probably a safe bet that some liberties were taken with actual events. Let's start at the beginning, eh?

While attending a minor-league hockey game one night, a player for the visiting team foolishly enters the stands looking for an ass to kick. Doug intervenes, and completely f--king devastates the player, moments after his third corn dog. The crowd goes wild as Doug thinks nothing of it. He's a bouncer. Kicking ass is what he's good at. Scratch that. Great at.

Naturally, the home team is terrible and the coach has an idea so crazy it might just work. Let's get that random, ass-kicking citizen in here to join the team. Who gives a shit if he's never played hockey, let alone can't f--king ice skate. After a few missteps where he screws up royally, this absurd experiment will inevitably work out in the end. You know why? Because in these types of movies, it always does.