When I was around eleven or twelve, we went to Florida and did the whole Disneyworld and Universal Studios thing. And minutes upon arriving at Universal, I recall my mom had to go to the bathroom (I mean, the exact f--king minute we got there). Okay, we'll wait here.
We're sitting there...and it's clear, like, completely obvious, something has happened. Something has gone wrong. Eventually my mom comes storming back to us, furious. Apparently, the bathroom was out of paper towels, and when my mom questioned some hapless employee, (according to legend) the lady's answer was, So? If this is a movie, this is the part where you say out loud, Oh, bitch. You done f--ked up now.
Long story short(ish), my mom went apeshit, complained to someone, and ended up getting some Willy Wonka Golden Ticket-esque VIP Pass. We now were granted the ability to not wait in line on four (4) rides. But instead of signaling an employee and being quietly ushered past the rope, my mom dragged us through the entire line, jamming this f--king badge-thing in the face of thousands of angry tourists. It was the worst.
But also kind of awesome.
It turns out that employees at Jurassic World are also highly skilled at totally f--king up, and as much as it hurt my soul to watch, these careless mistakes led to greatness. And by greatness, I mean the best parts of a decidedly average film. Yes friends, despite it making eleventy billion dollars, and starring the fantastically charismatic Chirs Pratt, put me down in the camp of You're f--king kidding me, right?
Looking back, I don't know why I had such a nerd-boner for this one headed in. Of course I liked the first one, but I think I was just a little too old when it came out to f--king love it (my younger brother Nikos wore out a VHS copy). The second one was dumb, but enjoyable, and the third one was a step up from that. But this fourth one? I don't know...I thought it was going to be really, really good. Like, Mad Max: Fury Road [review] good. Maybe even better.
Um, nope.
The idea of genetically-mutated dinosaurs seemed great on paper, and Starlord leading his Raptor Brigade on a dino-hunt via dirtbike appeared to have been plucked straight from the sticky pages of my Dream Journal. But as the film wore on, and yet another f--king moronic employee did something, well, f--king moronic...I began to think, f--k me. And f--k this. In fact, f--k everything. But...
We're sitting there...and it's clear, like, completely obvious, something has happened. Something has gone wrong. Eventually my mom comes storming back to us, furious. Apparently, the bathroom was out of paper towels, and when my mom questioned some hapless employee, (according to legend) the lady's answer was, So? If this is a movie, this is the part where you say out loud, Oh, bitch. You done f--ked up now.
Long story short(ish), my mom went apeshit, complained to someone, and ended up getting some Willy Wonka Golden Ticket-esque VIP Pass. We now were granted the ability to not wait in line on four (4) rides. But instead of signaling an employee and being quietly ushered past the rope, my mom dragged us through the entire line, jamming this f--king badge-thing in the face of thousands of angry tourists. It was the worst.
But also kind of awesome.
Looking back, I don't know why I had such a nerd-boner for this one headed in. Of course I liked the first one, but I think I was just a little too old when it came out to f--king love it (my younger brother Nikos wore out a VHS copy). The second one was dumb, but enjoyable, and the third one was a step up from that. But this fourth one? I don't know...I thought it was going to be really, really good. Like, Mad Max: Fury Road [review] good. Maybe even better.
Um, nope.
The idea of genetically-mutated dinosaurs seemed great on paper, and Starlord leading his Raptor Brigade on a dino-hunt via dirtbike appeared to have been plucked straight from the sticky pages of my Dream Journal. But as the film wore on, and yet another f--king moronic employee did something, well, f--king moronic...I began to think, f--k me. And f--k this. In fact, f--k everything. But...
