Despite the fact that I would probably sacrifice an appropriate number of goats to make it so, turns out, it will never be December of 1996 again.
Even worse, we're over twenty-five years from that motherf--ker, which just so happened to be winter break of my senior year of high school. Holy shit, right? Do you remember when you rounded the corner of 12th grade, knowing that the end was in sight? I can't actually remember it anymore, but I'm going to assume it was a magical time. My whole life was in front of me, you know? The possibilities were infinite.
But now, I sit here as a slightly-broken, slightly-balding, exhausted middle-aged jerk-off. As much as I always jump at the chance to revisit anything from my youth, it turns out they're right. You can't ever go home again.
Even if you live in Stu Macher's house.Scream...5, 5cream?, uh, Scream 2022, um, Scream (the New One), how I wanted to love you so. After being away from Woodsboro for so long, not to mention meeting Neve Campbell at a Con a few years back (she was charming and so sweet to my daughter), I honestly couldn't wait to get back. But I had forgotten one thing, one very important thing. I'm old now. And the real stars of this movie? They aren't. So, shocking no one, I didn't really give a damn about the fate of any of these people.
Somewhat clever, somewhat cloying, this latest iteration of Scream is borderline impossible to define, despite characters onscreen attempting to do so. Literally. Half remake, half reboot, two-quarters legacy film, and fifty-percent top-to-bottom look how smart we are wank-fest, this flick, dedicated to the legendary Wes Craven, has yet another masked psycho, er, psychos, terrorizing the residents of Woodsboro. But not just any random a-holes, right? They're targeting people connected to the original murders...like, Sydney Prescott's neighbor's uncle's cousin type-of-shit. Er, something. Alright, it's not that convoluted...but it might as well be.
Even if the connections are a bit out there and definitely on the not many end of the How many f--ks should I give? spectrum, there's still enough, possibly just enough, of the old magic to have a wee bit of fun. While nothing will probably ever compare with a bra-less Rose McGowan getting caught in the ol' garage door/pet door of Doom, seeing what's left of the old gang back together was probably worth it. Better still, our returning trio are old, and have seen it all, and their f--k this shit attitudes really made my day, mostly because it was awesome, but partly because I couldn't have agreed more.