Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, disc included, in my Jeep, we'd all be better off. In fact, I should have just left it in the machine altogether. But damned if I'm not a sucker for a hot chick and a short runtime. Quite the diabolical duo, or so it seems.
Anyway, picked up on a whim as a naptime feature and even with zero expectations, I was still left utterly disappointed. Almost angry, in fact. I'll be the first to admit that I was in a shitty mood when I started it, but by the end I wanted vengeance. First, whoever greenlit this shit? They need an arrow to the balls and/or vagina. Secondly, most of the cast? You bitches need to be pushed into a hot oven for even signing up for this one. I just watched it. You a-holes made it. And finally, I blame myself. I might deserve a troll stomp to the groin for wasting $0.32 renting this one. Or slightly more valuable, my time.
If you care, and likely you don't, this flick tells an updated/reimagined/dumber version of the original Hansel and Gretel fairy tale. We still get the siblings lured into a strange candy house. And they still end up outsmarting her and cooking that nasty witch in her own oven. But these kids talk a little shit while they're at it, potentially severing all ties with the original German children's story. And from there? Basically all bets are off. From there it's all bad acting and even worse effects, with terrible dialogue delivered in atrocious accents. But just when you think you'd rather jam a lollipop in your eye than continue watching Witch Hunters, writer/director Tommy Wirkola wins you back with an awesome kill or some chick's shapely ass. To which I reply, as only another famous hunter of wretched beasts could, Clever girl.