Saturday, October 22, 2011

It's not the house that is haunted. It's your son.

Oh, scary movies. I miss you. My wife loathes the thought of ever watching anything the least bit scary, but occasionally I get her. Not tonight however, as I watched last year's Insidious completely and utterly alone. Now, I believe that it's very hard to be scared in your own living room, but this one got me a couple of times. Not with the usual loud noises out-of-nowhere bit either, but just by being so damn creepy. Especially in the beginning.
Pumpin' on my chest and I'm screamin', I stop breathin', damn I see demons.
For kickball, I'm picking him first.
When I was younger I always thought that when it came to horror movies, more was more. More blood, more deaths, more Jason and Freddy, more everything. Now, I feel completely different. Everything seems to fall apart once we finally get a good look at what ever it is that's scaring us. Insidious is no different. Early on, this movie is almost terrifying (especially for PG-13), but the last quarter or so, it's gets kind of silly (though the very end was pretty cool). So, let me focus on the beginning...(um, I sort of ruin the whole exposition might want to just keep it moving if you really care about going into this one fresh)

Okay. We move into a new house! Yay! Hmmm. My son doesn't like his new room. Bummer. Deal with it, kid. Oh what's that? The books I just put away are suddenly on the floor? Odd. My heavy box of sheet music has found its way to the attic somehow. Darn kids. Did you hear that? And that? Weird. Our son has slipped into a mysterious coma? Don't like that too much. Oh, wait. I just heard demonic voices in the baby monitor. Not cool. At all. Someone's knocking on the door. It's late. Damn. No one's there. Shit. I just saw a man who looks like a regional manager of Hot Topic in the baby's room. Great. Now he's gone. Another knock at the door? Still, no one's there. And they keep leaving the door open!
That's quite enough, thank you (but of course, they stay).

So, as you do when you watch all scary movies (hopefully in your head and not aloud),  you project what you would do in that situation (coming home from a wedding last night, we decided not to take the windy, one-lane road through the scary trees due to scary movie principles).

Oh, and we never invite this woman over. Sorry, but, no.
Here's what the Brown family would do faced with the aforementioned events.
  • We're moving to a one room apartment.
  • We are never turning the lights off. Ever.
  • If one light goes out, if the door is ever found open, or if I ever hear any noise at all - we move immediately.
  • Repeat process till entire family dies of old age.
Bottom line? This one is decent. It was definitely worth the free pay-per-view certificate I used. And no one is tortured with a drill.
Full Disclosure: I started to drift at the end. Not out cold, but heavy eyelids for sure. My bad.


  1. I thought Insidious was pretty friggen scary until the entire dream sequence (thing?). Thankfully that last scene was there or I wouldn't have liked the movie at all. I wish we could have seen more of Darth Maul though. I follow you on the less is more bit with today's horror, but he was too interesting of a character to get so little of!
    ALSO: The Geek Squad was awesome. They could totally whoop the engineers in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to a pulp. This goes for Jehova's Witnesses too.

    Silly little nothing: Did you notice, early in the movie, there was a scene with the dad sitting at school. I think he was talking to his wife on the phone, saying he was going to stay late yet again, and behind him on the chalkboard is a drawing of Jigsaw's puppet from Saw.

  2. I don't ever imagine that I will watch this again, but your little tidbit is interesting.

    You know the only reason I rented this was so that we could watch it together.

    At least you saw it with a brother.