Saturday, June 23, 2012

What a horrible day. It's only a miracle that I'm alive.

I debated on putting this one up here. I thought it was going to be so ridiculous, which it was, but I guess it says something about me that I would even watch it in the first place. I was skimming through some of the random movie channels I have and found myself looking through EPIX3. I programmed Warrior, which I hear is really good but I missed theatrically. Most everything else I had already seen. So I stumbled across this one, and the title was so absurd, I was hooked. I had to watch it. Had to. Former friends, may I reluctantly present Nude for Satan.

I don't know what's with the 4or thing.
I know. This is the same sight where I've reviewed two Muppet films. I thought I would mix it up a bit, and that a weird Italian horror "movie" would be just the thing. Yes, Nude was pretty clutch, but the Satan thing intrigued me, too. As a kid, I remember my older brothers watching weird-ass scary movies and often the Devil was involved. That stuff really messed with me. Slasher films were funny, but The Exorcist? Terrifying.

The only scary thing in this movie is that it actually exists. If this film were dug up in a time capsule future generations would just shudder and re-bury it. Well, after admiring the sweet rack of Rita Calderoni, anyway. Sorry, but outside of that there is little to recommend here. The story makes no sense, the acting (and dubbing?) is atrocious, the special effects insanely bad, and, and almost no violence whatsoever. Once a lady gets stabbed, but it's pretty tame. Oh, and I don't think Satan is actually even in this film. There's a creepy guy dressed like the owner of a Dracula-themed pizzeria (DominO's Postive, perhaps?), but that's about it. His most frightening qualities are his teeth and his ability to disappear faster then you can say questo film colpi.

Hey, perv, what's this flick about anyway? Well, since no one would ever ask that, I'll keep it brief. A guy goes to a castle (yes, a castle) to help someone only to find out that the place is haunted, kind him?

Well, in the name of consistency, let's break this one down, huh? Here are the Yays and Boos, please-don't-let-curiosity-get-the-best-of-you-too style.

  • It's called Nude for Satan. Nude. For. Satan. Isn't that worth something?
  • This isn't one of those movies where you feel cheated on the nudity. I mean, the opening shot is a fully-naked lady running at the camera. In slo-motion, naturally.
  • There is a scene where the lady tries to close a door in the wind. It's so painfully awkward it might be the funniest thing I have ever seen.
  • And speaking of the chick having hard times, she's so consistently flummoxed, she can't even manage to put her right breast back in her shirt. I mean, give the chick a minute will you, Sort Of Haunted House?
  • The main guy, Peter is a terrible actor. His face is stuck on disbelieving grimace. And he delivers all lines like Arnold Schwarznegger's creepy uncle. It rules.
  • In an effort to give actual credit, the camera does some pretty cool things. 
Communication. A telephonic invasion. I'm planning my escape...
  • There is an offscreen car-accident that is represented by sound effects and then a lone, bouncing tire. Wait. That's awesome.
  • I'm going to boo her weird lesbian dreams. Yeah, you read that right. It goes on way too long and features entirely too much hugging and lace. Oh, and strangulation. It's like that P.M. Dawn video, minus the choking bit. (anybody? P.M. Dawn? Looking Through Patient Eyes, for realz, yo)
  • Even hardcore republicans would think there's too much Bush in this flick.
  • Whipping that naked lady? Not cool, man. And then you're gonna make out with her? Dick move.
  • I see a girl get stabbed. I run. Then fall. Into a giant spider web. And damn it. My boob is still out. Aw gross. The spider's on it. 
  • At one point, we have Satan/Dr. Acula Guy making out with topless chick. Then we get to naked ladies interpretive dancing out of wooden boxed (this one lady has the most unfortunate torso ever). Weird, huh? Hold on. Here comes a guy painted half blue/half red. And he's in a thong. Wait. There's two of them. Goodness.
  • The ending. It's absurd and abrupt. But at that point, it was so welcome.
Speaking of wanting things to end, I'm going to bed. Hopefully, this post only exists in a remote Italian castle. Hopefully.


  1. 1. Wow.
    2. New blog:

    1. 1. I know.
      2. Ooh. A sequel. On my way now!

  2. "There is a scene where the lady tries to close a door in the wind. It's so painfully awkward it might be the funniest thing I have ever seen." Haha, some of that movie sounds like a laugh riot! I sometimes watch horrible films which I know will be horrible as soon as I start watching them too, just to laugh or to relax a little - good films make me think, sometimes one has to stop thinking for two hours :)

    1. EXACTLY. This film is indeed horrible, but I imagine with the right group of friends, this might be utterly hysterical and a good time.

      Just thinking about it makes me equal parts happy and sad. It's soooooo bad. But there are moments of pure awful that are incredible. The door scene being one of them!