Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Tip of the spear. Edge of the knife.

Goose probably wouldn't have died.
Jerry might not have wrote that memo, er, mission statement.
Vincent waits for the next cab.
Oh, that giant orgy? Might want to skip that altogether. Or show up much, much earlier.

It's hard to say what would or wouldn't have happened in some of Tom Cruise's biggest movies, had his character been given an infinite number of chances to perfect the day, like he does in his latest, Edge of Tomorrow. Yes, it's true, it is a lot like the Bill Murray classic Groundhog Day, but with more aliens and less Ned Ryerson. More Emily Blunt, less Lady with Mrs. Duggar's haircut. But, just like Groundhog Day, Edge is really, really good, too.

In the near future, Earth has been invaded by an alien race who, unsurprisingly, aren't the hugest fans of humanity. This war has been ongoing, and we pick things up with Cage (Cruise), the handsome mouthpiece for American involvement, having one final meeting with the top military brass. It's in that meeting that Cage is asked to do some promotional work from the front, and he vehemently refuses. He doesn't want to spend a minute in the shit. Obviously, this doesn't go over too well, and Cage wakes up to find himself not only headed to the front, but he's been sent there as a deserter, stripped of all rank and credibility. And since it's the eve of the biggest military offensive in the history of the world, nobody gives a f--k about his sob story. After just about zero training, he's strapped into a mech suit and dropped into battle. Within a minute, he's dead. Roll the credits.

Oh, wait. My bad. He'a alive again and back at camp.Let's try this agai- nope. Totally dead. Again. And Again. And....again. Turns out, Cage and our best soldier, the Full Metal Bitch (a shockingly badass Emily Blunt) will have dozens of chances to get the day right and win the war and save the planet. And trust me, they're going to need all of them, 'cause these aliens are some badass motherf--kers.

This is actually a picture of the side of my house.
When early word came in that this Doug Liman-directed movie was good, honestly I was surprised. Now, I've always loved (and defended) Cruise, and have been on-board with Liman since Swingers, but something didn't sit well with the proposed combination of the two. Maybe it was the lame title, maybe Cruise's seemingly relentless pursuit of Head Sci Fi Guy, or maybe I just had sand in my vagina, but for whatever reason, I simply wasn't expecting much. Turns out, I'm a f--king moron.

Edge of Tomorrow is pretty much badass, and my brother and I had a lot of fun with it. Sure, it's essentially Groundhog Day with mech suits, giant swords and reggae monsters, but it's also Groundhog Day with mech suits, giant swords and reggae monsters! I mean, what the f--k else could you want? The plot device of lather, rinse, repeat. Always repeat... even if derivative, is so brilliant and perfectly executed. There was almost a point where I didn't want them to get it right, just so I could spend the rest of my life watching an endless amount of hilarious death scenes (or at the very least, seeing that pantsless guy having the transport crush him a few more times). But alas, eventually it had to end somehow (um, which seems to be the exact approach the writers took, methinks).

Anyway, go see this movie. It's not Marvel Movie 100, or a remake of an old monster movie (Now, with less Monster!). It's just some kickass summer entertainment with one of the biggest movie stars currently walking the planet. You'll like it, I'm sure. And if not, well, I'll reimburse you the exact amount you paid for my opinion. In fact, I'll double it.

What I won't double, are the Yays and Boos. I think what's provided is more than enough. Like...waaay more than enough.

Pvt. Hudson has really risen through the ranks.
  • Bill Paxton. First, I didn't even know he was in this, so it's pretty much pure bonus out of the gate. But, then he plays an ignorant dick? Double bonus!
  • The first time you see (and hear) all the shit that Cage takes, it's pretty funny. But the tenth time? It's f--king awesome. There's something wrong with your suit!
  • Jinx, bitch.
  • The mech suits. So Father's Day is coming up, and...if you haven't already got me something....
  • Holy shit, the opening battle is chaotic. Fingers crossed there's a deleted scene where Cage lasts two hundred times longer.
  • Emily Blunt. When did the Hell did she become a bad ass motherf--ker? She's hardcore when you're waiting to talk to her, let alone watching her cut aliens the f--k up.
  • Training. I'm not sure how that arena works, but damn, that place is awesome.
  • The Alpha. Can something really exists solely by exhaling hatred at all times?
  • The big helicopter crash/slide battle was pure insanity. Cage is kind of a one-man wrecking crew, but still This shit is inspired.
  • And finally, the deaths. Both of my favorite involve being run over, but I also really enjoyed how quick Blunt was on the trigger to start the whole thing over again.

I'm going to wear this to the gym tomorrow.
  • I love Brendan Gleeson, I do. But not here. He's a real dick.
  • The title. It makes sense, sure, but All You Need is Kill is infinitely better.
  • And finally, the ending. First, there's no f--king way in Hell that Michael Phelps in a submarine, let alone Cage after what he just went through, outswims that f--king monster. No way. But worse? The result. There's no way that it should end on that particular day, either. It doesn't make any sense. Does it?
This whole concept of repeating things till they're perfect fascinates me, not only when used in films, but in just about everything. I've heard if you go to this one website, and read this one post over and over, it ends up being the best thing ever written. Seriously. Try it.


  1. I'm intrigued by this, but also kind of repulsed...but since there are no Duggar haircuts I guess I could be persuaded to give it a go ;-)

    1. Repulsed? C'mon. Don't tell me that you hate Cruise, too?

      Young Andie MacDowell had some very Duggar-esque hair. Seriously. She's quite the trendsetter.

    2. LOL, I used the wrong word! No, I don't hate him...I mean, he's fucking annoying but as an actor I like him enough. I just mean that the whole live, die, repeat aspect looks like it could get tiring, so for that alone I'm equal parts intrigued and REPELLED ;-)

    3. The repeat thing really works. Trust me. It's like, the least repulsive thing ever. And how could anyone be repelled by a film with Emily Blunt. With a sword.

    4. Yeah...the image on the side of your house has sold me!

  2. Great review! I kind of want to see this for Emily Blunt, but I really can't stand Tom Cruise. Or knowing that everything is going to be repeating itself. It brings back Vantage Point nightmares.

    1. Do it! It's a lot of fun.

      Whoa, whoa....whoa. I kind of liked Vantage Point, as completely f--king stupid as it was. Forest Whitaker's character is like the best/worst thing ever in a movie.

  3. I'm becoming increasingly suspicious of if you've had some kind of an unearthly experience that made you realise how precious time is or something with all the good film's you've been reviewing lately. I won't complain, though, because reading here is as fun as ever -- oh, and I love what you've done with your sidebar, too! Because after reading that review, -I- realised how precious time is and decided to go outside. It was weird.

    Honestly, looking forward to seeing this -- I like Cruise too, whatever they're saying.

    1. I like the idea that I've somehow come to the conclusion that I should stop watching shitty movies, but sadly, that is not the case. In fact, I've been really looking forward to something good-bad, but I haven't had the time. Boo.

      Wow. That made you go outside? I hope you stayed away from grocery stores and places of commerce. You know, because of sharks and such.

      Cruise is still good. Anyone who feels the opposite is true is lame. Possible even really lame.

  4. The is the best damn review ever............................ hey, wait... the day didn't repeat itself.... screw that last comment!! I wast just testing!!!!

    Had a lot of fun with this, then again I don't think I've seen a time loop movie that I didn't enjoy.

    1. Yeah, there's something wrong. There is no time loop. This blog is just the same thing over and over again. Aw.

      Anyway, glad you liked it, too. I can't see how someone wouldn't enjoy this, but I guess it's possible.

  5. Replies
    1. Hmm...not sure about this.

    2. up2u apparently has poor spelling skills. He OBVIOUSLY meant 'review, WINE, repeat'...which sounds about right ;-)

    3. Is this guy being a dick? Or a douche?
      Or, is something else going on here?

      Regardless, pass the wine. Mrs. Two Dollar Cinema could use a drink.

  6. Great review man. I thought this movie totally kicked ass. I was not expecting to like it at all, but I had a blast with it. Restrained Cruise is so much better than Crazy Cruise, and I thought he did fine work here. It was fun, engaging and clever. And concerning a summer action movie, that's enough for me. Plus, Paxton as a dick is never a bad thing.

    1. Nope, you can never go wrong with obnoxious Paxton. True Lies, anyone?

      Glad you dug the flick, too. It was an excellent summer movie in almost every regard. Cruise delivers a guy we probably shouldn't like as much as we do, but he's just too much fun here.

      Crazy Cruise? That guy is the best! Or worst. I'm not sure. It's one of those.

  7. Really, that's a great and a fully detailed review on edge of tomorrow, good job

    1. Well, thanks so much. You are the nicest spammer, like, ever. Good job as well.

  8. Me and my friend saw the promo before Neighbors and we both looked at each other with 'holy shit Cruise must have some debts to pay' look but the reviews seem positive enough for me to check it when it's on DVD.

    Also yes, my God, when did Blunt become badass? She was always great but she is so freaking hot here too.

    1. I'm telling you, this one is the surprise of the summer. Like I said, for whatever reason, I thought this was going to be a turd fest, but it f--king blew me away.

      Oh, and Blunt? If ever aliens invade Earth, I'm getting behind her. Right behind.