Monday, June 15, 2015

Yeah, that's my bicep.

Near my friend's house, there used to be this one-off video store, totally unaffiliated with any reputable chain. And while most of the time we went in there solely to dare each other to enter the adults-only section (which my memory tells me was denoted by an actual cave-like entrance [possibly with fog machine - though that seems doubtful]), occasionally we would actually look at the real movies, most notably, action films.

In that section, there was this movie we always picked up, but never ever rented. It was called That's Action, and the back of the cover promised Over 500 punches! Even though we were douchey high schoolers, we were savvy enough to know that there was no way the actual movie could be as exciting as the mere thought of it. 

I vaguely recall seeing the trailer for Kung Fury on Kickstarter, but I do remember thinking there's no way to sustain that level of ridiculousness for an entire feature. And thanks to missing their million dollar goal, they'll never have to. But what we did get? It's nothing short of thirty one minutes of pure f--king magic.

Set in 1985, Kung Fury tells the absurdly perfect story of Miami's most badass cop. Struck by lightning and bitten by a cobra, Kung Fury is a cop like no other. In addition to his incredible martial arts abilities, teamed with Hackerman (the world's best hacker), he also has the ability to travel back in time. And he must do so, in order to kill the world's most notorious villain, Adolf Hitler.

Unfortunately though, Hackerman hacks too much time, and Fury ends up back in the land of vikings and Laser Raptors (I thought those were extinct thousands of years ago). But with a little help from Thor and some sexy ladies (and a wolf?), Fury's surely going to find a way into Nazi Germany. I mean, that only makes sense, right? Of course it does.

If you have a vagina, or are a man familiar with many of them, this may be 31 minutes of your life you'll never get back. But for me and my friend back in high school (and people like us *coughnerdscoughcough*), writer/director David Sandberg's little flick is the best thing ever. Calling it a love letter to action flicks of the 80s, though entirely fair, would be a great understatement. This short film is much more than that.

It's like every time the fourteen year-old version of myself said, 'you know what would make this movie better?' (and then proceeded to say something stupid). Well, someone not only wrote all of my suggestions down, but then proceeded to f--king jam them into this movie. Um, if only I could have come up with something as cool as fighting a giant arcade machine IN SPACE, of course.

Speaking of flat-out ridiculousness, here are the Yays and Boos for Kung Fury. We've now watched this movie three times, and somehow, it still manages to crack us up. Sad? Probably. But we're on summer vacation. We've got the time.

Somehow this is possible: He actually sounds cooler than he looks.
I know, I can't believe it either.
  • Flipping the cop car with the skateboard was cool enough. But then they blow it up mid-air? Genius.
  • You know, I almost forgot about tracking. Ah...takes me back.
  • Landing in a split in front of an exploding tanker? JCVD would be proud. Or jealous. Maybe both?
  • Even though I'm against type-casting, it only makes sense that Triceratops got the part as Triceracop. 
  • Hitler's bullets are officially the second coolest thing I've ever seen come through a phone. Sorry, but nothing will ever unseat Freddy Krueger's tongue. 
  • Is it possible that every single thing that Kung Fury says is the funniest thing I've ever heard? For example:
    • What are you gonna do? My job.
    • I could tell he was dead straight off.
    • Tank you.
    • Your pecs are epic.
    • We finish each other's balls.
  • So...that was a Power Glove. Sorry...I'd say something, but I tend to cry when I'm happy.
  • Hitler? Bad. Hitler's constant gesticulations? Great.
  • The violence is pretty f--king rad, let me tell you. There's an extended fight scene that has to be seen to be believed, but my favorite bit is probably when he makes a helicopter out of some dude's arm. Or when he rides a guy like a skateboard.
  • Though, to be fair, Triceracop goes on an extending shooting spree consisting of only nut shots, so clearly that's to be carefully considered, too.
  • And finally, let me genuinely applaud just about every aspect of this movie. Honestly. I have so much praise and respect for not only Sandberg, but everyone involved that supported this project. Very few times have I seen something for free and still wanted to pay for it.

I'm only putting this in the Boos because it's not currently occurring.
On my computer screen.

  • That was a pretty rough way to lose a partner.
  • Those Nazi guys were dicks. I mean, the term pubes from a dog hooker seems pretty cruel, right?
  • 70% of the dialogue is an utterance of the word F--k. This should be higher, no?
  • Hey, I don't want to hassle the Hoff, but what the Hell was this guy doing here? At least bring Kit, you f--ker. Or CJ. 
  • And finally, if we're going to make an 80s action flick, we're going to need something that I didn't see here. Hey, we're all adults, well, at least you are, so you know what I mean.

  • I feel like watching something I really wanted to see on YouTube is some sort of personal revelation. Like some invisible barrier has finally been crossed, and I've now seen something that's going to permenantly change how I view movies, you know? My perception of what's possible to put to film has been forever altered. 

    It's almost can I put it?

    Like entering a dark cave. That's possibly full of smoke.


    1. This was totally hilarious and worth the watch. Laser Raptors is what Jurassic World should have opted for, and then it would have been original entertainment!

      1. So...wait. You're telling me there are no Laser Raptors in Jurrasic World. Hmm...I wonder if it's too late to get a refund for tomorrow's showing....?

        But, yeah, this movie was hysterical. I loved it.

    2. OMG! I need to see this! I can spare a half hour, for sure!

      1. Let me know, asap. I'd be very curious as to your take on it.

    3. This is the 2nd review I've seen of Kung Fury in the past few weeks, So I will definitely be back to watch this later. It sounds magnificent.

    4. pretty much have to see it.

      Let me know what you think!

      1. LOL omg that movie. That's ridiculous. Hitler shooting people through a brick phone is my new favorite thing.

      2. Hahahahha! Stoked you watched it!

        As ridiculous as the phone thing is...I'm not even sure it makes my top 5 from this one!

    5. What the hell is this movie? Wherever I go I see people giving it 9 or 10/10 and shitting themselves about did that thing come from? What is it? Does it change lives?

    6. It changes lives. Immediately. I mean, I wasn't afraid of Laser Raptors before this movie.

      Just watch it. You'll know in 2 minutes if it's for you.
      Clearly, being that it's awesomely retarded, it was totally for me.