Sunday, July 31, 2016

I gotta admit. That's a Hell of a distraction.

I have always preferred blondes.

From as far back as I can remember, the girls that I would endlessly obsess over, plot and scheme to actually talk to, were almost always blondes...with incredible blue eyes, no less. Heights and weights fluctuated, sure, but that golden yellow hair (uh, along with a winning personality) was a constant. 

Blonde hair and blue eyes? Real original. What's next? Did they have big boobs, too? You're quite the visionary, m. brown.

Whoa, there. My point is, you like what you like. And sometimes, there's very little room for anything else. 

Even a lovely brunette.

Clearly women aren't exactly what I'm talking about, but galactic space operas aren't all that different, honestly. Both can be incredibly fun, super intellectual and undeniably sexy, too. But for me, as Star Wars runs down the beach in slow motion, her older sister Star Trek reads a book under a towel. Nice lady? Of course she is. For someone else.

I hadn't even seen the second installment of the new films when my son and I decided to catch a matinee showing of Star Trek Beyond. Set after the events of the (supposedly) divisive Into Darkness, the latest entry into the perilous adventures of Kirk and Spock concerns itself with reconnecting a fragmented crew. It seems three years into their five-year mission, the crew of the Enterprise has, more or less, had enough of this same old, you'd-have-to-be-an-idiot-to-accept-that-kind-of-mission level of bullshit. The solution? Dock on a badass space station and recharge the batteries. Forget about the familiar routines and faces of the ship...for most of  a day.

And then, yeah, go on another f--king unwinnable mission for some a-hole who hates to ask...but has no other choice.

See, not long after Kirk and his crew de-board and presumably stretch their...legs, some alien chick shows up telling a story of how her whole crew is stranded on some class-m planet no one's ever heard of and lives are at risk. Kirk, secretly knowing this is his last mission (before he hands the fancy chair to Spock), cuts R and R short and rallies Scotty, Bones, Chekov and the others. Quickly, they head out of Dodge, er, Yorktown, and straight into f--king disaster. The Enterprise is totally overwhelmed, blown to Hell and its crew ends up spread out all over the alien planet.

Oh, this is hard to tell what's happening, is it?
Well, here's a tip for Star Trek Beyond: better get used to it.
From there, it's like every other POW movie you've ever seen, where a small group of heroes concoct a daring plan to make sure nobody gets left behind (well, with the added bonus of the literal teleportation of bitches, naturally). Anyway, while Kirk's role in the jailbreak is equal parts awesome and totally f--king stupid, for me, the real joy lies in how the other members of the Enterprise get to step up to save the day. It's truly a team effort. 

Speaking of teams, albeit terrible ones that no one supports, here is the highly-collaborative duo, the Yays and Boos. Okay, one time the Woot!s worked with them, but...that was a long time a galaxy far, far away. Oh, shit. Did I just make this awkward? I did, didn't I?

You might want to put a little Aveeno on that.
  • New trailer: Another Jack Reacher movie? Yes, please.
  • Whoa. Those giant/little creatures in the beginning? Awesome. And...adorable. I totally want one.
  • Dude, Yorktown is totally amazing. It's like the best Mario Kart 8 level ever.
  • The initial attack is pretty cool, even if it kinda reminded me of Big Hero 6 [review] a little bit. Okay, a lot bit.
  • Krall, the previously unmentioned bad buy, enters the scene like a real badass motherf-ker, you know?
  • Oh, and speaking of Krall, while most of his shtick is super typical, I'm pretty sure he survives off drinking people's heads. With his hands. If you can't get behind that...well, we're not really friends then, are we?
  • I think it's basically an old Futurama joke, but f--k it. Stolen bit or not, if you want to call Public Enemy and the Beastie Boys classical music you've got my vote.
  • I mentioned Captain Kirk's rescue maneuver, right? Right. Since this is the Yays, let me tell you what's awesome: He can emit this awesome wall of smoke that solidifies instantly and is essentially bulletproof. My words do this zero justice, I realize. 
  • Yorktown's defense systems are so f--king cool. I'm telling you...this is the coolest place in the galaxy, narrowly besting Kashyyyk (and wherever Harrison Ford is currently standing).
  • That water save...with the ship? I loved that.
  • Aw, that pic of the old crew was much appreciated, even by an a-hole like me.
  • Zoe Saldana is too hot to always play someone who we can't exactly tell is...well, so hot. Enthusiastic round of applause for whoever cast her as human woman. Thank you.
  • Matty, for the record, gave his first dabble into Trek an eight. His quote, whispered all-too loudly in the theater? It reminds me of Star Wars so much!
  • And finally, even though it's actually the biggest f--king Boo in the world, I have to cheer for yet another big screen performance from the gone-too-soon Anton Yelchin as Chekov. Luckily for all of us, Chekov gets a sizable role in Beyond and Yelchin, shocking no one, totally delivers. I'll miss Mr. Yelchin tremendously as an actor, but I very much appreciate getting to see him in something new...if that makes sense. Dulls it a little bit, you know?
That's no way to sit in Dad's chair, sweetie.
  • New trailer: Another XXX movie? With Vin Diesel? On a skateboard? No, thanks. I'm good.
  • That lady who needed their help? Spoiler alert: she's the worst person in the galaxy. 
  • I realize I'm getting old, like really old, but this shit was hard to see. Literally. Was the lighting crew out back smashing fluorescent light bulbs the whole time? 
  • Oh, and while we're at it, I'm all for shaky-cam...but Spock's cock does this get impossible to decipher at times. 
  • Look, if it's some callback to something that only you Trekkies get, fine. But for me, an (impossibly handsome) regular guy, that whole dirtbike scene kind of made me want to set the whole theater on fire and superman over its charred remains. Honestly. We're in the year 9000 and Kirk saves the day on something Vanilla Ice takes your daughter to prom on? Unacceptable.
  • Sabotage by the Beastie Boys never gets a Boo. Ever. But when you use it in the preview (and it's f--king perfect)...AND then as the most pivotal weapon in the're pushing your luck, okay? One or the other would have been sweet. But both? Not so much.
  • Krall kinda has to explain his entire evil plan in fifteen seconds, so it sorta comes off tacked on. Hey, I've never written a successful screenplay, so I'm the last one that should be critical. But, uh...rushed ideas that come off kinda silly? That's kind of my thing. 
  • And finally, why does my man Idris Elba have to play someone without a normal face? This dude is a handsome motherf--ker (likely literally so), so what is he doing here? I mean, Krall looks like an angry vagina made entirely of starfishes. Not a handsome Brit who's just street enough.. (I'm just saying, there are probably some real ugly dudes that could have played the part, you know? You wouldn't cast a hideous troll to play someone handsome, then stick them in makeup for six hours a day, right? It would be highly illogical, Captain)
Tomorrow (right now, actually) is my daugter's birthday, and she'll be turning three. Why mention this here? Well...we haven't wrapped her presents yet, and my wife is currently sleeping on the couch.

My blonde-haired, blue-eyed wife, that is. 

Good thing she didn't have the same standards, though, as my hair is pretty much black (what's left of it). And as for our young daughter?

A lovely brunette.

(and I love them both)


  1. Payback time on this one, homie. That just means I didn't actually read this one. Hope to see it soon so I can come back here for it.

    1. Yep, yep. I know the drill. But...if you happen to see this comment beforehand...I wouldn't exactly rush out to see this one.

      Eh, it's okay.

  2. Likely literally so...

    I'm crying.

  3. "as Star Wars runs down the beach in slow motion, as her older sister Star Trek reads a book under a towel." - I almost spit out my coffee.

    This review is amazing, I feel like I have to thank you for writing it. (thanks!) lol

    Idris has to have make up because if everyone saw what he looked like normally, they'd be on his side. I would. Total tyrant that looks like Idris Elba? Fuck morals, I'm going to try to be his #1 bitch.

  4. makes total sense now. The guy's too handsome to be a dick. Got it. Though I think there was something called No Good Deed (or some shit) where he was unmasked and a huge a-hole. A huge...incredibly dreamy a-hole...oh GOD it's happening to me, TOO!

    Thank YOU for reading it! I always, always, always appreciate it.