Friday, April 28, 2017

Three is the perfect number

None of my friends are divorced. Yet.

None of my co-workers have been let go or asked to retire early. So far.

But I do know this one dude who was totally replaced by someone younger, seemingly out of nowhere.

His name is Matthew Brown.

And he is my son.

Though the ubiquitous trailer was amusing enough, I had very little desire to actually see DreamWork's latest animated flick, The Boss Baby. But when rain cancels baseball practice on Bargain Night, it just seemed like the logical thing to do. And while my family ending up at the movies (on a totally calculated whim) should surprise no one, the amount of heart and smarts in this comedy just might.

Timothy Leslie (ha!) Templeton had it all. A nice house, a cool room, two loving parents that doted all over him day and night. But then - the worst thing possible happens - a new baby arrives by taxi, and Tim's perfect world is knocked out of its orbit. This adorable little creature, known only as The Baby, instantly demands all of his parents attention, leaving Tim, for the first time in his life, desperate and alone.

It turns out this chubby-cheeked cherub is, of all things, a secret agent. His mission? To derail a hush-hush plan for total domination by, you guessed it...puppies. Yep, it seems that baby dogs have finally become cuter than baby, uh, babies, and the future of every would-be ankle biter is in jeopardy. And with Tim's parents being important cogs in the puppy machine, it looks like in this all out war, Poor Tim's happy life is collateral damage.

My goodness, you might be saying, this sounds rather stupid, m.brown - even for you. And it is, kinda, but it's also pretty damn smart, too. Huh? See, Tim and The Baby have immediate (and likely lifelong) differences, and really don't like each other at first, but as any sibling will (begrudgingly) tell you, they'd do anything for each other. Even foil a ridiculous plot together.

Do they still make that phone-thing for little kids? Do they even know what it is?
Before I wrap this up, my aforementioned firstborn, young Matthew? Well, this dude's become a bit of a movie snob as of late (uh, the direct opposite of me clearly). Any mention of an upcoming movie is met with a high-pitched utterance of Homecoming will be better, so getting him to the theater for anything not featuring Peter Parker has become a bit of a chore. But as the credits rolled Tuesday night, he turned to me with his eyebrows raised and said (likely) too loudly, Dad, that movie was pretty good!

And if you can't trust a seven year-old kid (who hours later would be catatonic after dropping my phone into a full sink), I ask you, who can you trust? Certainly not the Yays or Boos.

That smug look? That's the look my kids would give me.
When they were breastfeeding. 
  • I realize they've been doing it for awhile, but the incorporation of the DreamWorks logo into the opening scene is getting better and better.
  • The whole baby-delivery apparatus is pretty rad. Though, that's a lot of baby butt, you know?
  • The way The Baby saunters around is consistently amusing. His initial walk-up cracked me up.
  • I forget what the spelling joke was, but my son (and current spelling aficionado) totally loved it. It's rare he laughs out loud during a movie.
  • Dude, VOLTRON! What? And then THAT BOARDGAME! Huh-what? 
  • Any time Tim imagines something, it's basically the coolest thing ever. The ninja sequence was a particular favorite (uh, I grew up in the 80s, where you couldn't throw a Chinese Star and not hit a ninja).
  • I thought the Big Kid who said runrunrunrun as he, well, ran, was the coolest of the crew. But my daughter? She liked the triplets. 
  • Both chase scenes are fantastically ridiculous. The one in the back yard was hysterical.
  • Usually, torturing a beloved animal isn't hilarious. Usually. But then The Baby roughs up LambLamb? I think I might have cried a little bit I was laughing so hard.
  • As the mission gets complicated, The Baby starts to become less secret-agent, more actual baby. This sudden transformation is routinely adorable (the recorded baby giggling is the best thing ever) and often hilarious.
  • And finally, it's been far too long to not mention him, but Alec Baldwin does that thing he always does, sure, but he does it so well. I know you could say it for basically any cartoon character, but seriously, there is no one on Earth who could have played this part like Mr. Baldwin. He's absolutely perfect.
Tim is a pretty good kid. And for a movie...
He's like, the best kid ever.
  • The babies that aren't ticklish? They go to management.
  • You can't be fired from your own family! Well...
  • Wizzy, Tim's super-rad alarm clock is awesome. The Boo? He's totally Gandalf. Call WB, dang it. Let's make this official!
  • Spoken line, b I want you to suck it. Uhhhhhhh......
  • That Puppy Mascot thing was terrifying! 
  • My wife disagreed (but she's deaf anyway), but for whatever reason, this was the least-aggressive sound mix I've ever heard. It was like listening to a sound designer's freshman project...through a pillow. (and yes, I just went there on Boss Baby)
  • The idea of a 'forever puppy' is maybe one of the worst things I have ever heard. It's almost like those scary clone/doll kids in The 6th Day. Almost. *shudder*
  • And those in coach...
  • And finally, not that I had a huge problem with it, but this movie is basically aimed at adults. I know, that sounds totally absurd, but I'm telling you. Nine out of ten jokes go way over the heads of most little ones. Baldwin is talking so fast (and so low!) that there's no way the wee ones could ever keep up.

Our screening of The Boss Baby ended a little late (okay, a lot late), so my wife and I didn't really have much time for a post-movie discussion. In fact, after the phone calamity and putting each kid down (I got the boy, she got the girl), we didn't say much or anything to each other for the rest of the evening.

But there was certainly something curious in the air after seeing a funny movie about the dynamic between two young siblings.

For me? I was wondering whether or not they're going to make a sequel.

For my wife? I think she's considering whether or not we should make a trilogy.


  1. I'm glad my son showed no signs of wanting to see this because I thought it looked awful.

    Happy you survived lol. I never would've guessed that they would aim more jokes at adults. I figured it would be stupid ones the entire time.

    1. Aww, it's not that bad! I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't...hate it? Unless you hate Baldwin. Then it might be a tough watch.

      So much of the humor is super-fast, I know my two had no idea. Oh, the stupid crap is still around, just not as frequently as you might think.

  2. "For my wife? I think she's considering whether or not we should make a trilogy."

    OWWWWW! Feel free to use any inspiration for venues from RFs for a super romantic ambiance.

    "total domination by, you guessed it...puppies. " - why would anyone want to stop something like this?!

    1. HAhahaha....I don't think we're gonna go for it...but I'd like to try, you know what I mean? Wink, wink...nudge, nudge.

      Puppies are awesome. are better.

      (I think)

  3. I'm sort of grateful my kids are too old to want to see this movie. :-)

    By the way, there is a toy rotary dial phone at the nursery where we have our homeschool co-op. And the toddlers ALWAYS understand what it is and what to do with it. How eerie is that?

    1.'s not that bad!!! Not that I'm saying it's must see...but it's not terrible.

      ROTARY PHONE!!! Hahaha...I guess it's inherent or something? That's strange...

  4. This is something I will probably never watch because by the time some dude is stupid enough to make a kid with me, I'll have long forgotten this thing ever happened. It sounds stupid... and even your praise for it, including your son's, won't really change my opinion, which is based simply on the fact that the baby sounds and acts like a grown man.....

    1. Hahaha...I'm telling you, it's not that bad. Honestly. Yes, the baby sounds like a grown man, but's kind of funny. Again, if you like Baldwin's typical routine...which I do...

      Maybe being a father myself had made me stupid?