Sunday, October 29, 2017

Somebody's gonna kill me tonight.

Wake up. Begrudgingly.
Shower. Stoically.
Put on one of the same five outfits... the same 32 miles. Hate job, hate life...for eight hours. Drive those 32 miles in reverse...
Come home, kiss my wife, hug my kids, momentarily feel like a person. Eat. Workout.  Go to sleep. Then, guess what?
Wake up. Begrudgingly... 
Aw, a cake? Really? You shouldn't have.
Oh, and also, murdering me later? Too much! Stop!

To a degree, we're all living our own version of Groundhog Day, but the trick to repeating our days over and over again...well, it's living to see the next one. In Happy Death Day, Tree Gelbman has found herself in the unenviable/aforementioned spot of living the same day again and again, but unfortunately for her, she keeps dying at the end of it. Like, actually dying...not just a tiny piece of her soul every twenty-four hours, like the rest of us.
If I remember correctly (and I probably don't), Phil in Groundhog Day was doomed to repeat his day for the rest of his life, while young Ms. Gelbman seems to have an infinite number of tries. See, when she wakes up in the morning, she feels the ill effects of her murder the night before. She doesn't look like she's been flattened by a bus during a sexy catfight (redundant, no?), but she certainly feels like it. Basically, she's gotta find the f--ker who keeps killing her before he does it...again. Good thing the list of suspects is about yay long *makes grand gesture toward crotch*.
While this flick isn't anything more than a tame/lame ripoff of the 1993 Bill Murray classic, it's surprisingly unoffensive. It's been almost 25 years since Ned Ryerson got hilariously punched in the face (also redundant, I realize), but clearly, we've got bigger cinematic fish to fry, bigger Hollywood injustices to be concerned with. Hell, one of the characters flat out states that this story is a rip-off of Groudhog Day, but Tree's a college girl. She's never f--king heard of that movie (a moment that made me smile like an a-hole). So let's all chill the f--k out, you know?

Look, we both know PG-13 horror movies tend to suck the least frightening set of balls either of us have ever seen, sure, but with lowered expectations, a cast you've never heard of, and a f--king MoviePass, bitches! (I'm sorry, I can't help it), put me down for having a good f--king time with this with this one. Yeah, I know it's basically a shit sandwich, and I'm cool if you hated it. But, guys. it was Friday the 13th. And I was in a room full of horror nerds. Eat up.
Nothing totally f--king awful here. Nope.
What you should likely never consume, no matter how hungry, are the Yays and Boos. As we kind of inadvertently backed into this flick, this is officially the first time in forever we here at Two Dollar Cinema have eschewed the whole October horror month thing (that I totally invented, I'm sure) and just watched whatever the Hell we came across. Turns out, no one gives a damn. Not even me.

So if, like, Brittany Spears and Katie Holmes had a daughter...

  • Man, this trend of f--king around with the Universal logo? Yes, please.
  • Oh. My. God. The belittling of Becky and the fact that she actually eats breakfast had me rolling. Like, what the f--k, Becky? Seriously?
  • Dude, I only counted two, but that first jump scare made me pee a little. Just kidding. I fully pissed myself.
  • I've been to some pathetic college 'raves' in my day, but holy shit that was beyond terrible. I support this, because it was kind of at this point, where Happy Death Day let you know what kind of party it was going to be. Stupid, pathetic,,,but kind of charming too? Check, check...annnnnddd....check.
  • I don't know about you, but I've always thought, when the psycho killer is on the loose, how about just boarding yourself up in your room? Well, Tree apparently read my mind (or my One Direction-themed journal), and fully opts in on this plan. It doesn't work, but hey, it's the thought that counts.
  • You that moment in flicks like these where the poor bastard stuck in the time loop, has finally mastered the timing of everything? Yeah, I love that moment.
  • So, walking around campus naked is a thing these days? Uh huh. Well. I guess it's time to get my doctorate. Dr. F--kface, does have a pretty nice ring to it...
  • Um, that was a pretty epic lady toot, no? My wife always swears it's the creaky spots in our kitchen floor, but I ain't buyin' it.
  • And finally, thanks be to Movie God for managing the release of a random horror movie on a Friday the 13th in October. Oh, I'm sure it's happened before, but this one screams late January! like nobody's business. I think the theater had just a little more electricity in it due to the date...which is basically the stupidest f---king thing ever (hey ma, the calendar says I should be extra scared tuh-day!), sure, but clearly...that's my jam.
Remember that rad hammer scene in Oldboy? Just checking.
 This one sucks big, floppy donkey dick in comparison.
  • Tree is kind of a bitch. I mean, initially? I was kind of rooting for her murders...which likely makes me a terrible, terrible person.
  • Um, that whole thing with Dr. Teacher Man? F--king stupid. Felt like a bad porno, for a second there. Like, a really bad porno. The kind where no one gets naked or has cringe-worthy sex.
  • Come to Bayfield University! Where the mascot is a terrifying demon baby, and there are readily available tunnels to commit all kinds of sexual assaults! 
  • The Walk of Shame, which we will see many times, gives me lots of problems. 
    • First, way too many random things are going on in the quad. Like, it's Saturday f--king way that many people are doing anything.
    • Second, what the f--k is with that guy ducking behind the bushes? I see you, f--ker. But why? Why are you even there?
    • And third, so you're telling me she leaves the room at the exact same time every single time? This makes no sense. Sometimes she talks longer....sometimes she doesn't talk at all. But all those random assholes in the quad? They'll be in the exact same spot regardless.
  • According to this movie, deja vu occurs when someone is thinking about you...when masturbating.
  • According to this movie, deja vu occurs when someone is thinking about you...when masturbating. 
  • Really, Happy Death Day, really? That's your Hot Guy? This dude looks like he should be in a JC Penney catalog with a baseball bat on his shoulder. 
  • And how he gets absolved? That's like, the gayest reason ever.
  • F--k you Teen Mom 2. F--k everything about that show.
  • Um, I'm pretty sure that's the darkest hospital ever. Seriously. I swear it would be brighter in there if the power went out.
  • For a second, I thought this flick was actually PG. Which is weird, because I was kind of pissed/totally impressed, you know?
  • That gasoline explosion was so ridiculous, it made me wish I was in it.
  • The door is marked Belltower. Oh, f--k off.
  • Her dad might just be the worst actor in the history of time. He makes the guy who hurts his back in a personal injury lawyer commercial look like f--king Daniel Day-Lewis.
  • And finally, the ending. Ultimately, I'm okay with it...but, uh...seems a bit early to head to the diner with Carter, does it not? I mean, you still had an appetite stepping over a f--king body on the way?
I may have over-exaggerated how we're all on the same f--king hamster wheel, you know? I mean, today? We took our kids to Hershey Park to go trick-or-treating, and that's something that we've never done before. And now, well, look at me. Now I'm here on my couch, alone, typing away on my blog, with HBO on in the background...when I should be doing some f--king schoolwork. Or, at the very least, sleeping.

Like my kids are.

Like my wife is.

Because in just a few short hours...I'm going to have to wake up. 



  1. Man, Jason Momoa must have experienced deja vu so many times this week.....*coughs* What I meant to write is that this film looks awful and no way I'm watching it.

    1. The last week of October. The first week of November. The second week of November. Hell, maybe even the rest of 2017.

      Nice try, with the whole 'it looks like shit' approach. But, I'm on to you. It's okay if you're scared.
      Of that baby-thing.

  2. Dude, I couldn’t agree more, we all know what we’re in for with the PG-13 horror flick, but damn if I didn’t have fun with this one. It was so stupid, but it kind of knew it was stupid, so I dug it. (Speaking of stupid, the movie's sense of timing was hilarious. As you mentioned, the ending kill happens and then they go out to dinner right after?!)

    Also, best “kill line” ever: “That’s not the only reason! It’s because you’re a STUPID BITCH!”

    Hahahaha jesus.

    1. That's fantastic that you were cool with this flick.

      Holy shit, that line. I'm not even sure I laughed...I think I momentarily blacked out. Like...did that really just happen?


  3. I'm glad that this film seems to be pretty self-aware. I think I'll definitely watch it on DVD now that I know it's more of a comedy and doesn't try to take itself so seriously.

    1. It totally knows what kind of movie it is, and has a blast being whatever the Hell it is.

      I think it's certainly worth a DVD rental.