Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Watch out for his fingers...they make sparkles.

My son has been having a rough go of it lately. Awful nightmares, sleepless nights...rough mornings.

My wife questioned him at dinner the other night, and he immediately broke into tears. Red face, head in his hands, quiet sobbing - the whole bit. Of course, she looks right at me, equally saying/staring to me, What did you take him to? What was the last movie you two saw? (Could that be it?) 

Instantly, I put my hands in the air. No, hun. I promise. There's no way that movie could have given him a nightmares. No. Way.

I mean, that movie? The last movie we saw together?

It was a dream.

Loki is basically a massive dick on this poster.
Thor: Ragnorok was everything I/we hoped it would be...and more. Maybe a little too much more, in fact. Me and the boy had been waiting patiently to see it on the big screen since that rad trailer debuted months back, and it's safe to say, it didn't disappoint either of us.

Miraculously caught on opening night (we had to be ready to give up our seats if someone, er, (st)rolled in), the third Thor flick opens with the God of Thunder in the worst hammock ever, captured by some giant lava-monster thing, likely planning on world domination. There's some witty banter, a few extremely solid jokes (the spinning!), a few moments before Thor frees himself and kicks all kinds of ass. It's funny, cool as Hela to look at, and is a perfect five minute snapshot of what will happen in the next two plus hours.

Honestly (/annoyingly, I know), if I have any gripe with Taika Waititi's kickass entry into the MCU, it's the fact that here, in the third Thor flick, this sumbitch is over two hours long. I enjoyed my time in and around Sakaar (can something be sexily downtrodden?), but I think I would have been cool if Mr. Waititi hadn't added those thirty-plus minutes after Comi-Con. Unless, those minutes belonged to Korg, of course. Cause that motherf--ker's like, mandatory.

Outside of the overwhelming girth, ahem, I'm stoked as f--k that Ragnarok is making a killing at the box office. Hey, I was all about the serious side of comic book movies for a minute or two like the rest of you sullen bastards, but I accept this lighthearted trend with open arms. And open pants. Hemsworth and Ruffalo are fantastic as always, and their good time is certainly ours, too, but Tessa Thompson (rowr) and Jeff Goldblum damn near steal the show, if not the whole (second-tier?) MCU.

I probably wont ever get a tattoo...or a van with a mattress in the back...
But if I decided to get either one...I'm pretty sure the above image would be involved.
Speaking of the ultimate B-squad, let's check in with the long-dormant Yays and Boos. If you just so happen to be one of the three people on this planet concerned about our absenteeism lately, there's some good news and bad news. The bad news? I have roughly seven students that are so utterly soul-consuming, I can barely muster the strength to open my laptop's screen, let alone mash on its keys for an hour. The good news? Very soon, I'm going to have seven days (straight) without seeing them, so blog away I shall. Wait. That's the good news? 

Ooh, look what you made me do. Look what you made me do.
  • Here we go. - Matty, the moment Ragnarok started.
  • You could see it coming a mile away, but that massive dragon's head coming through the portal was hysterical.
  • I guess when Will Hunting went west to go see about a girl...he just kept Asgard. And got involved in community theater. 
  • I hate selfies. Like, everything about them. But...if I saw Thor in NYC, we're totally taking one. Though we gotta make sure it's from the waist up, 'cause that might be awkward.
  • I've heard some shit about how Hela isn't a good villain (or, is a typical Marvel baddie), but I ain't hearing any of that noise. Give me a sexy, multi-antlered Cate Blanchett any day of the week. And as my grandfather used to say, And twice on Sunday. Though I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking about The Goddess of Death.
  • So...we're getting a Valkyrie movie, right? RIGHT?? She had me the second she fell off that platform. The rest was pure...bonus. Fine, er too.
  • While it may have been a wee short on action, any time that people fight each other, it's the best thing ever made. Brilliant slo-mo, the raddesr f--king soundtrack ever, it's a psychedelic symphony of chaos. Hela vs. the Asgard Army, Hulk vs. Thor, Heimdall vs. everyone, whatever - it's all incredible. But, that last one? Holy. Shit. I'm pretty sure my hot spring flowed, whatever (horrible thing) that means.
  • That theme park ride looked like fun. Here's hoping they put that in 2042, when I finally have enough money to take two kids there.
  • Hoe much fun is Jeff Goldblum having? And not just here, but like, in life? It makes me want to gently touch his cheek...uh...or something.
  • Clearly, more Taika Waititi is a great thing, but I've got my fingers crossed that we gonna get more Rachel House, too. It's probably criminal how much I love this woman.
  • I didn't get a chair.
  • I've already mentioned Korg, but f--k it, I'm doing it again. I'm actually glad that guy didn't print enough pamphlets. Wouldn't have been the same without him.
  • I'm going to cheer for the Stan Lee cameo as long as I can. I think it's a rule, right?
  • Those random soldier guys had the coolest uniforms ever. I fact, just about everybody in every scene looked badass, you know?
  • Dude, I almost got choked up with some of those random Asgardians paying the ultimate sacrifice. What the Hell is wrong with me? Oh, right. I know this one: A lot.
  • And finally, uh, Thor takes his shirt off for basically two seconds. The (overly-chatty) 55 year old woman sitting next to my son? I'm pretty sure I heard her vagina implode. Honestly, there was an audible noise. I think her and her friend, if they ever met Hemsworth, would probably attempt their own version of the Get Help! plan.
Look at that handsome face. It's so...symmetrical.

  • Scourge says he got his guns in Texas, and they're named 'Dez' and 'Troy'. I thought this was a rad Dallas Cowboys reference. Yeah, sometimes I'm so smart...I'm a f--king idiot.
  • For a split second, I was stoked to see Dr. Strange. Then I remembered how worthless he is.
  • Uh, remember those peeps in Thor's [moderately lame] crew? F--k 'em. Guess their contracts were up.
  • I will never, ever, jeer a giant, menacing wolf that eats bitches for breakfast. I will jeer, always, the under-utilization of the aforementioned giant, menacing wolf.
  • Turns out my son isn't a fan of Hulk bashing Thor's head into the ground with repeated blows to the face. bad.
  • Does anyone else find it odd that Asgard has as many green guys as it does black guys?
  • Oh, and speaking of Hulk, I probably could have gone without seeing his ass. 
  • I think Point Break is a pretty sweet nickname, though I'm not sure Thor agrees.
  • The Devil's Anus, you say? I wasn't sure that's what it was called...good thing they said it five thousand times.
  • Apparently, I loved the snake story. The Boo? I can't remember what it was.
  • Was it me or are the citizens of Asgard the slowest evacuees in the f--king galaxy? Move, you handsome a-holes.
  • And finally, I have to stop looking forward to the stingers so damn much. Each time I'm sitting there, nerd-boner in hand...and I wait...and I wait...and then? That's it?!? I'm not sure why I keep expecting Wesley Snipes to cut a vampire's dick off, removes his shades and growl through fanged teeth, I'm back, motherf--kers...but I still do. Every. Single. Time.
Back to us sitting there at dinner, right? Let's pick it up where my wife shoots me the look (go ahead and glare at your reflection in your phone to set the mood), shall we?

I've quickly shot down the Ragnarok theory, but my son is sitting next to me, inconsolable. My wife is needling him, trying to get a response. What's wrong? What was the nightmare about, Matthew? And just as I say Was it about Thor? my wife says Was it about Dad? and instantly his head springs up. It seems the nightmare is about me. Dying. At least that's his devastated face is implying.

See it didn't have anything to do with the latest Thor movie.

It was just a nightmare about living your life after your dad dies.

Totally unconnected.


  1. That Vagina Imploding sound came to you from the future (Friday) and a different movie. And a different person.

    How clear is it I'm referring to myself rn?

    I liked Ragnarok, Loki was my fav and whoever Urban was playing. Too much Hulk for me though. Strange was actually better here than in his - and that is indeed a good word to associate with him - worthless solo

    So your son has nightmares about Hopkins on the meadow or just about that awful CGI meadow? I think I figured it out, gotta be the latter :P

    1. I'm pretty excited that my ears now have the ability to pick up vaginal sounds...from the future.


      With you on Hulk, Loki was awesome...and Urban is always the best.

      I don't know what the Hell is emotionally crippling my son, but I've got my fingers crossed it's the meadow. Brought it up again this weekend...tears. Instant tears.

      Damn kids.

    2. Is he doing better?

      I need ur JL review in my life!!!

  2. I'm sorry your son is having nightmares :( I hope he stops having them soon.

    I'm glad you both loved this though. I didn't notice the length. The snake story was my favorite too. I think it went something like "once when we were kids, he disguised himself as a snake, because he knows I love snakes. Then when I went to pick it up, he transformed back into himself and went "bleehhh it's me!" and then he stabbed me."

    1. Thanks, Brittani. I'm sure it's just a thing we'll deal with for a bit. What's funny, is now my daughter is joining in. She woke up a few nights ago complaining about "a lady with purple hair and a motorcycle." The next night? A creature was 'sniffing her'. What the Hell is going on around here???

      As for the movie, I definitely had a good time. I don't know how anyone wouldn't.

      HAHAHAhahaha...thanks for the reminder! I remember laughing like an a-hole, but couldn't remember why. Now it makes sense. Well...mostly.

    2. I just laughed out loud in my office and feel so bad it's awful ur kids are having nightmares but the content of them is batshit insane

    3. poor, poor babies.

      You should hear my daughter retelling her troubled nights. I do all I can not to not piss my pants laughing. And yes, I'm a terrible dad.

  3. I'm so sorry about your kids.

    I'm glad you both enjoyed the movie. I loved the snake story too. I chuckle every time I think about it. Not as much as I do when I think about Jeff Goldblum. Damn, the man was having the time of his life!

    1.'s okay! These two goofballs are fine. My daughter's nightmares are just short of adorable (is that wrong to say?), and I think/hope that my son is getting better.

      As for the movie, it was a Hell of a time. I actually might see it again. Goldblum was THE BEST.

  4. Nightmares sound horrible, I don't remember having them as a kid, and I don't even dream anymore, but I can imagine. Hope it's going to pass for your kids and they will have less scary dreams and more happy ones!

    PS: That title under Loki made me crack up so much that I had a hard time concentrating on your review! Brilliant stab at Hiddles!!

    1. What is that? I don't think I dream any more either. I suppose I do, but I'm just too old/stressed to remember them, perhaps? Maybe Christmas will snap them out of it.

      Hahaha...Loki. I think Hiddles looked to be having a blast, and even though I'm convinced we can never trust him...Loki was pretty frickin' awesome.