Wednesday, January 17, 2018

We might die together. And I don't even know you.

When it comes to traveling with Kate Winslet, uh, cinematically, I've got a little good news and a little bad news for you. The good news? At some point during the journey, it's gonna be business time. It doesn't even matter if one of you is betrothed, either. You will be overcome with emotions, and will have sweaty, potentially life-altering sex in some place you shouldn't be.

But the bad news? Hopefully you didn't pack anything of value. Because not only will your luggage fail to arrive in a timely manner, but there's a good chance the vessel carrying you won't either. To be fair, shit tends to slow down when it's ripping apart spectacularly.

Oh, one more thing. All that romance, that was hot. My pants are still on fire just thinking about it. Too bad though, as your chivalrous ass is going to f--king freeze to death in the middle of nowhere.

If it had an 's', I'd say it's referencing Winslet. But just 'mountain'?
I guess they're referring to Elba.
Okay, so maybe there are many other cinematic instances where accompanying Ms. Winslet is a sex and disaster free endeavor. I'm open to that possibility. But being that The Mountain Between Us is only the sixth or seventh film I've ever seen with Rose Dewitt Bukater in the lead, I'm going to just assume they all end the same way. Maybe a sexy car crash on that Revolutionary Road, perhaps

Winslet plays Alex, a spunky (perhaps a wee bit bitchy) photographer attempting to head to her wedding in the Mile High City, only to be crushed when she finds out her flight has just been cancelled. Overhearing this dreadful news is the dreamiest of McDreamies, Ben Bass (Idris Elba, classing up yet another stinker), also desperate to get the Hell out of wherever they are. Bass has a surgery tomorrow in Baltimore, where he'll be operating on my incessantly raging boner for all things Elba. Or a sick kid. One of those.

Cut to the unlikely pair hiring The Dude's brother to fly them out ahead of the storm. Ooh, about that. One terrifying as f--k plane crash later, and Alex and Ben are fighting not only the elements, but also a mountain lion and each other's survival instincts. Oh, and the inevitable desire to bunk the Hell up (you know, to stay warm) when given the chance. That mountain between them...might just be made exclusively out of reproductive organs.

And to the left side of the plane, is quite literally the hill you're going to die on.
Yet another entry into Two Dollar Cinema: Couples Edition, I Redboxed this one hoping to start (and finish) a film with my wife that didn't feature singing and dancing animals and/or British children (we've been watching entirely too much Topsy and Tim lately, good God). And while it took us two nights to actually start, once we finally cranked this one up, dare I say it was enjoyable...enough. Ultimately predictable, but engaging throughout, The Mountain Between Us is exactly what you'd expect it to be, assuming you expected an average movie with two above-average leads. Gorgeous scenery, consistent peril and just enough romance to ruin your roommate's bathrobe, if you're a fan of either Elba or Winslet, I'd recommend you check this one out. If not, feel free to charter a plane and have it crash into the side of a soulless jerk.

Speaking of soulless jerking, here are the Yays and Boos. I once left them out in the snow overnight, and when I found them? Oh, God. You don't even want to know. Honestly. Let's just say, I had no idea the Boos were that flexible. Or that angry.

Elba, contemplating where exactly to bury his agent's body.
  • This film, as serene as it can be, has a few moments of absolute chaos.
  • For this the best plane crash ever put to film? Easy top three, if not best all time.
  • Initially, I was very excited to see Beau Bridges show up. But...uh, not that excited.
  • For a quick second, I thought this was one we could watch with our son (fine, it was just me thinking this). Um, definitely not a good idea. The reason why this would have been a bad idea? That's the Yay.
  • Spoiler alert: There's a dog involved in all this fighting for survival. I was bracing for the moment that they either buried the dog, or even worse, ate his delicious ass. Well, not like, his ass ass, but...whatever. Anyway, the dog makes it. And he gets to live with the cool parent.
  • And finally, the ending. It's basically like that infamous scene in Meet Joe Black, minus Brad Pitt being pinballed from car-to-car. Man, that might be my favorite scene ever...*sigh*
  • Four packs of almonds, cookies, candy bars, half a sandwich...and one whole dog. That is simply not enough food. For one handsome person, let alone two.
  • Typical girl move: the first time Ben steps out, Alex goes through all his personal shit.
  • And when he goes to sleep? She bails on him! Not cool, Alex. Not cool. (And she takes the dog!)
  • There's a point where all the bickering gets to be too much. Like, okay. This whole survival thing is stressful. We get it. Try teaching middle school. In the classroom, I only wish there was a mountain between us. Or just on my skull.
  • These f--kers must have read the Junior Woodchuck Guidebook cover-to-cover, because they can start a fire like that. 
  • Really? You're gonna waste precious battery life to hear some classical music? But...every movie needs a soundtrack, I suppose.
  • Okay, I love the dog and all, but he's basically Optimus Prime's trailer, you know? There when you need it, totally f--king disappears when you don't.
  • I don't care how hungry I am. I'm not leaving the fireplace we just had sex next to. If that's how I die, so be it.
  • Beartraps have to be the worst thing in the history of time. And that's just if you're a bear. 
  • Oh hai, Mark. When her poor bastard husband shows up, it was all I could do not to literally Boo him from my couch. F--k this guy.
  • And finally, every time I watch a movie about survival, I realize what a huge bitch I am. I've had pizza delivered to my home because it was too cold to drive. These f--kers trek halfway across North America during the f--king ice age, and I can't handle the twenty steps to and from my car. The one with the heated seats, for f--k's sake.
Maybe I need to see some more Kate Winslet movies, before I rush to such ridiculous conclusions. Maybe you don't always get in a horrible accident with her, and maybe you don't have to fight for survival every single time. Maybe things aren't so f--king dire all the time.

And even more pressing, maybe you also don't always have to have sex with her, either.

[check internet]

Uh, nevermind about that last part. 


  1. Definitely never mind that last part. Every KW movie might not end require a fight for survival (most that I've seen do, though), but they damn sure have life-changing sex going on. This movie? So sappy and predictable, but no I didn't hate it. And that bear trap...ouch! Love the captions in this one, especially what's on the left of the plane.

    1. I know, right? I just managed a quick NSFW search for KDubbs, and it was a smorgasbord of booty. Goodness, lady. My Heart Will Go On, But My Pants Will Come Off. Uh, if you get what I'm sayin...

      Man, after all that, our dude steps in a bear trap. The f--k kind of luck is that?

  2. I laughed out loud and dare do I admit, I laughed like Jimmy Carr there for a second. Not my proudest moment.

    Now, I do want to see it for that mountain... and by mountain I mean Idris, but I have a bad feeling it won't end well, for Idris. Am I right?

    Oh well, I'm not much for disaster romance movies, my romance life is all the disaster I can take.

    1. Oooh...being that I'm a very old, very boring man, I didn't know what a Jimmy Carr laugh was. Amazing!

      If you into IE, go for it. He's solid as always. I don't know if it ends well or not for him. Depends on...a couple of things, actually.

      Uh, ma'am? That was the best last line in awhile. I actually laughed out loud when I first read it. But just normal.

      Which is lame.

    2. Well, good thing my disastrous romance life can make people laugh. I do laugh at it myself at times, so I completely understand where you're coming from. :D

  3. As much as I love both actors this one doesn't look like it's for me. I did appreciate their Twitter campaign of "don't worry, the dog lives!" because you know I took one look at that dog in the preview and thought "wolf dinner."

    Great review!

    1. I think I love them both too (for obvious, though opposite reasons), but this is not a difficult one to pass on. It moves quick, and is honestly a beautiful film to look at, but super mediocre at best.

      That damn dog killed me. Just made me nervous the whole time (and furious...he's way too dog's an a-hole in comparison)


  4. "Elba, contemplating where exactly to bury his agent's body." - oh that is gold :)

    So is he shirtless in this? Any ass?

    1. Yes! I think I may have used that one before (or some variation), but it feels right regardless.

      Girl, it's an sub-zero f--king wasteland! How's he gonna go shirtless? And in what capacity would one find the need to air out their buttcrack? 'Sorry, luv. Gonna drop my trousers for a tick..."

    2. Do you really think I concern myself with realism, my man?! :P