Sunday, December 30, 2018

Let's do it.

I don't mean to brag or anything, but, uh, back in high school? I pretty much saved the Pacific Ocean.

See, I spent the better part of a fairly-humid afternoon walking around my hometown spray-painting the words Dump No Waste, Goes to Ocean in front of all the storm drainsThere was even a little outline of a humuhumunukunukuapua'a chilling there in the middle, so you could clearly see the adorable victim of your potentially reckless dumping. Killing any fish was bad enough, but our state fish? You stay lolo fo' ac' li' dat. (translation: you're a crazy douche, for such actions)

Remember, this was 1995 - an environmentally conscientious Hawaiian kid with a can of spray paint and stencil was, like, incredibly intimidating. Even if he didn't have luxuriously long hair, green eyes, and well, all the muscles.

As little faith as I had in my own efforts to protect the ocean that day, quite frankly, I had even less some two decades later that anybody could make a good Aquaman movieHow would the majority of a film that takes place underwater even be possible? *James Wan clears throat* Fine. The film looks and sounds incredible. But Aquaman? Really? Good luck making that character cool. *Jason Momoa stands, flexes, and winks*

I'm sorry...what were we talking about again?

I'm not going to bullshit you and say that I absolutely loved Aquaman, but I don't think that anyone can deny that it's pretty f--king impressive. Visually striking from the first frame to the last, James Wan's latest is eye-candy to the nth degree. And that's before you get to the visual effects.

As far as origins stories go, I'm pretty sure you've seen this one before. Badass Hero Guy, who came from mysterious/humble upbringings, is called upon, despite his general lack of interest, to reclaim the throne that's rightfully his, more or less because it's good for the people. Take a generous helping of The Lion King, with a side of Black Panther [review]garnish it with the slightest bit of Avatar, and preheat the oven to 400. Now, soak that f--ker in saltwater, add Amber Heard's heaving bosom...and you're good to go. Just don't leave it in too long, or you might dry it out and end up with a Bad Batch.

While there's probably one or two (amazing) people on the planet that got that (lame) reference and currently have any idea what I'm talking about, it's clear from the box-office numbers that the majority of you loved this flick. And with the included cast of infinitely sexy people and a host of pretty colors and giant f--king sharks, I get it. Like, of course this is awesome.

This is the face of someone who gets to work with Amber Heard in her Mera costume all day.
But, as easy as all those things make it to move beyond the incredibly straightforward story (almost zero surprises, yeah?)... the lame villain(s), at this point, is/are almost unforgivable. Last time we hung with Aquaman, he was sky-surfing man-bugs down the shit-stained streets of some Russian village, before kicking Steppenwolf's ass up, down and sideways (or trying to? [sorry, I black out when Gal Gadot appears onscreen]).

Here, it's small potatoes, to say the least. On the one hand, he's basically slap-fighting with his baby brother over a freaking misunderstanding (I swear, I'd send both of them to their rooms without dinner). And on the other we've got Black Manta, whose looks seriously belie how lame he is. His beef with Aquaman gives me instant Robert De Niro face. I mean, if someone tried to run me over, missed, and smashed their car into a telephone I supposed to drag their body out of the burning wreckage? 'Cause the only thing I'm lifting is my middle finger.

Oh, so that's why he cries when they serve fish nuggets at the cafeteria
Speaking of rude gestures, here are the Yays and Boos. I always try to get in all of my posts for a given year in that year, and shocking no one, I failed again. But like Aquaman's brother, Water Boy (seriously, I have no idea what Wilson's name was), I'm blaming my mom for everything. But...more on that in a bit.

You know what they say, right?
Red in the head, red in the shed.
Oh, right. No one says that.
  • I've never been a longshoreman, but uh, I'm assuming a sexy woman washing ashore is EXACTLY what dreams are made of if I was...
  • Oh, and that fact that she comes to and instantly destroys your television? Even better. I how are gonna pass all these lonely nights?
  • Dude, Tom has so much game, even wearing a horrendous wig, he still, um, gets the job done. Clearly Atlanna ain't the only good swimmer, huh, as she's with child immediately.
  • I will be the first to admit that the action sequences in Aquaman are pretty badass, but being that the living room battle happens so early...well, it might actually peak too soon!
  • He doorways a guy. In a submarine. Holy shit that's brutal/amazing.
  • You that fishboy from the TV? Uh, it's fishMAN, thank you very much. (this was such a ridiculous scene, I laughed like an idiot)
  • Seahorses. Versus. Sharks. That's a thing that you can see now. And I'm so happy about it.
  • Nerd Boner Alert: The Beastmaster is talking about the Ocean Master. Are you guys hearing/seeing this?!?
  • Regular Boner Alert: Amber Heard, in every scene, always. If she's going to help me, go ahead and pencil me in for death by drowning. Even if she smells a bit...fishy, I'm totally in.
  • Guys, is there anything more dope than all the various soldiers' gear? These underwater f---kers made Stormtroopers, once the gold standard of badass work attire, look like pathetic d-holes. 
  • Even if I felt a bit like I was sticking my ponytail up the arse of a dragon and flying around Pandora with Jar-Jar Binks, Atlantis was f--king gorgeous. 
  • I have three words I'm going to type. With my penis. No, not those three words, these: BATTLE. SQUID. DRUMMER.
  • Yes, though I loved the early fight in the living room, Trident Battle and the big finale were both up there, too. 
  • But if we're really really gonna call out the best action scene? Um, I think Sicily might take it. I mean, we've got some dude running through walls like an even scalier Jason Bourne, Aquaman's out there body checking church bells for f--k's sake? But the capper? Unlike most women I know, who get drunk and hurl insults, Mera's making actual f--king bullets. Out of wine.
  • Can we get a sequel/crossover event where those sea monsters eat just Jack Sparrow's face and/or genitals? Heard will probably appear for free.
  • And finally, I'm not sure who thought of it, but the moment that the ocean basically coughed up all the trash and warships onto beautiful beaches worldwide had me grinning from ear-to-ear. That scene almost killed me with how awesome it was. There a few things that piss me off more than some thoughtless motherf--kers trashing the ocean, you know? How anyone could look at the ocean, or any body of water for that matter, and think, f--k this place is beyond me. Dig it.
Why do fish ladies have boobs? Do they breastfeed?
Does that guy have a dick? Is it always just...floating around?
So many (pointless) questions...
  • I don't care if it's a movie, bro...that wasn't the f--king Boston Aquarium. (and yes, that was my beef with the realism in f--king Aquaman)
  • Irrelevant or not? How we not gonna get a Gadot sighting, hmm? 
  • Even for pirates, I would think firing a zillion f--king bullets on a submarine would qualify as a bad idea.
  • I'm sorry...can things really explode underwater? Does this make sense...or am I just a moron? Goodness. You didn't have to answer that. Aloud.
  • Pretty sure that Tracker Guy was Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys [review!]
  • Um, if you're gonna slide down something for that long, it's pretty much a rule you end up at One-Eyed Willie's boat. Not some underground sand palace likely haunted by Rick O'Connell's decaying corpse.
  • Alright, we get it. Jason Momoa is an actual deity, gracing us mortals with his presence. But really? One drop of his sweat basically changes the entire world? Jesus. Imagine what his other bodily fluids could do...
  • I told you, I loved that Sicily scene. The second part. The 'Hey, look how lovely Earth is' bit before? Laughable. Is there an obscure Italian holiday where everyone takes to the street to celebrate what it means to be human, or was that just a typical Wednesday?
  • Why was Mera playing the flute like Link in Ocarina of Time? Did I miss something?
  • Wow, trident recovery was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be...
  • My God, was anyone fooled by whatever Kidman was wearing? My son turned to me and was like, no shit, Dad. I knew it was her. I'm paraphrasing...but still.
  • Rules is rules people. Battlefield Kiss? That's a Boo. Even if it's so passionate, you're pelvises overlap. (damn, you two...this is no place for guppies)
  • Speaking of, I thought Dad actually impaled Atlanna there for a second. Is that a harpoon in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
  • And finally, my son, Matthew. I'm not sure if this is his first Boo or not, but when the film ends, he spins so fast toward me, like, well, what would you give it? I hesitate, then as I say seven or eight, he blurts out ten! I just look at him, and then he instantly goes, Nine. Or ten. Eight? Dude, you're a kid. Now's the time to unabashedly love shit. And if you're reading this when you're older? Now's still the time. Now call your mom and tell her you love her. (she was a ten)
I'm assuming, probably as I type this, the sequel for Aquaman is in the works. I don't know much about the lore, but maybe it's time Arty gets a sidekick, you know? Say, some dude, also from Hawai'i...who's just about six weeks younger (and slightly less handsome) than he is. I'm just saying, I know a guy. Imagine...

Aquaman busts in on some plastic straw company executives, says something cool, then knocks every one of them out in, like, two seconds. Just a bunch of corporate types laying on the floor, right? Suits. Then this other guy comes in from out of nowhere, seemingly much older and woefully out of shape, shaking up this little canister he's holding. Wssssshhhh. Wsssssshhhh. 

What is it? 

What's it say?



  1. Oh the suspense! I'll be checking back here at least once a day till your review is up!

    1. Well, the review, if we're using the word loosley (I prefer 'organized rant') is up. Hopefully you had a wonderful New Year's!

  2. (Waving hands uncontrollably) I know this one!!!


    1. Are you getting up to leave...because you're so thrilled? I'm pretty sure that's it, right?