Yeahhhh.

Saying I'm reading it might be a bit generous, but I'm currently reading/experiencing(/surviving) a book called Welcome to Night Vale. I guess it's based on a popular podcast or something, but for the most part, I absolutely hate every minute of it. It's so bizarre and illogical, I feel like I'm getting absolutely nothing out of it as I get further into it. Honestly, I could derive a better narrative perusing the newly updated terms and conditions of my Amazon Store Card. That said, regardless of how nonsensical and repetitive this novel gets, I'm going to tackle each chapter until there aren't any left.

Even if it f--king kills me.

I don't even know where to begin when discussing the latest John Wick film, Parabellum. Initially, I found the film to be absolutely f--king electric (my god, he killed f--king Boban with a book! A BOOK!), but by the end of it I was nearly comatose, rendered lifeless by the sounds of incessant gunfire and shattering glass. And when I finally trudged out into the world (and apologized to my wife, again), all I could tell myself is at least it was better than Chapter 2. Because, you know, f--k that movie.

But then I did something stupid. Really stupid. I rewatched the second film. 

And I f--king loved it.

So now I don't know what to say. Like, even more than usual. Keanu Reeves is still the coolest motherf--ker on the planet, and the third John Wick has him doing even cooler shit than before (with the help of animals, no less). But in that theater, on that night? It seemed to go on forever. I'm going to assume I'll have a much better time with Chapter 3 the second time, but for now, mark me down for Parabellum landing somewhere between f--king exhilarating and impossibly tedious. Sounds reasonable...if you're an asshole.

Whether any of that makes sense or not, the story for the third Wick flick, for the most part, is pretty straightforward. Picking up moments after the conclusion of Chapter 2, John finds himself on the clock. He's got most of an hour left before every assassin in the world is gunning for him. He gets some gear, calls in some favors and gets the f--k out of Dodge/NYC. While 14 million gets you an average NBA stretch four, it gets you the best of the best when it comes to hitmen/hired killers. Off to Casablanca he goes.

But this secret society of assassins is world wide, and even crossing the globe isn't gonna slow the hunt. John teams up with Halle Berry and her badass dogs, and the quartet seriously (and, if I'm honest, hilariously) f--k some shit up. If only killing seven hundred dudes would end this: Spoiler: It won't. In fact, they kind of make things worse. Um, way worse.

Though I could go on an on, it's at this point where I started to cut the sleeves off my undershirt in order to craft a small, white flag of surrender. Many, many more people will be shot in the back of the head in the name of rules that are ever changing, and I simply did not care any more. And when you find yourself not caring about Keanu, it's best to just try again at a later date...which is exactly what I plan to do.

In the meantime, help yourself to some Yays and Boos. I saw this f--ker six weeks ago, so it's safe to say they could all be entirely off-base and horribly misguided. Translation? Business as usual, pretty much.

Turns out his death was....(wait for it)...overdue.
*rams book down own mouth*

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

• I love how everyone is fully willing to take care of John's dog. Like, sure, that's John Wick, and I'd keep his f--king pet alligator in my newborn's crib if he asked me to, but still, this gesture is always pretty f--king sweet regardless.
• I didn't believe Matty when he told me this, but motherf--king Boban Marjanovic is in this! I've seen it, and I still can't believe it. 
• Guys, Doc is the MVP of this entire trilogy, right? Even if Wick has to essentially finish his own operation, Doc is my favorite person in this universe. Hell, the universe! (But, for the record, coming in a close second is Charon - love this handsome gent)
• That knife fight was incredible. Beyond incredible, in fact. Maybe even...too incredible (I thought it was the stand-out scene, if I'm remembering everything correctly [which I'm not, but still])
• As much as I'd wish we'd spend more time with Halle Berry (and drink her delicious backwash, which I'm assuming has the same powers as the tears of a Phoenix), the real stars of her segment were her dogs. Wowzers, those two were basically shot out of a f--king dog cannon. Which I'm assuming is John's weapon of choice in Chapter 4.
• But dags ain't the only beasts John masters, as horses make a somewhat surprising addition to his arsenal. You'd think a chase scene on horseback would be enough, but trust me...that's just the beginning. But kind of the end, too. The wrong end...
• Not that I mind, but it's not really all that fair to give John f--king Wick armor piercing bullets. Even if the result is 900% boner-inducing.
• John being thrown through all the glass is kind of unintentionally hilarious. At least it was the first thirty-seven times...
• Speaking of that last major action scene, I'm not sure any action film series has ever looked this f--king sexy. Yeah. you've got a handsome-ass Keanu old-man skulking around in a sweet bullet-proof suit, sure, but beyond that every locale is even more stunning than the one prior. Throw in a beautiful dog(s) owned by Halle Berry and I'm not sure what John Wick is dishing out more of, bullets or boners.
• And finally, even though I know there's a lot more to it, I'm nothing but absolutely down for how much the world loves Keanu Reeves. Clearly playing John Wick has a lot to do with that, and in that respect, I don't care if they make sixty-nine additional chapters. I have been a huge fan of this dude since Bill & Ted when I was ten years old, so to see Reeves not only last for another three decades but come out thriving is so f--king cool I can't stand it. And all this bullshit aside, I actually want more John Wick, just less fifteen-minute shooting barrages and more, I don't know, words? That would be, like...whoa.

You're looking at the reason why I think I know capoeira.(at least the fundamentals, anyway)

Boooooooooo!

• Ooooh boy, that was a nasty knife to the f--king eye. While this isn't a Boo for me, c'mon John! Think of the children! (due to his inclusion in Fortnite, John Wick is apparently family entertainment, at least on the mean streets where I teach).
• Even though I love the majestic creatures and their well-timed kicks to the face, it seems horses can really pick and choose when they are startled, no?
• While I respect her commitment to her craft, The Adjudicator was kind of a prick. First she shuts down The Continental for breaking the rules, but then she fires the Bowery King (Fishburne)? What the f--k? The dude is basically a dirty hobo commanding of an army of pigeons. This is a title you can be stripped of?
• Being that I'm married, I'm all for impossible rules that no one can really figure out. But good God, this shit here gets pretty convoluted, and seemingly made up on the fly. And can we all just step back and say out loud what you're asking John to do (after what he just did)? It's f---king nonsense. All of it.  His freedom is a life sentence.
• Or the fact that he has to kill arguably the person that is most important to him. Or was. Or is? F--k, at this point, I have no idea.
• What. The. F--k. Not since Oldboy have I seen such a f--ked up/gnarly act of self-sacrifice. Ouch. Wait, Reeves is Canadian, right? Make that Oooch.
• Yes, it's kind of funny...but the incessant throwing John through panes of glass bit was also kind of stupid. We got it the first 900 times, okay? Can we just wrap this shit up, please?
• Mark Dacascos' main bad guy, Zero is somehow a Boo. I actually really, really liked Zero (and his moderate fangirling over Wick) and I absolutely adore Dacascos (and wish had somehow revealed the secret ingredient was squashhhh!), I have a really hard time not hating the shit out of John's arch rival. The first flick was sooo good because I needed JW to execute every motherf--king last one of them (especially the bumbling a-hole that started it all), but here...a bit like in Common in chapter 2...I kind of respected Zero. I get that be level, er, chapter three the boss needs to be more difficult, but can we also make him less...awesome?
• I might be the only person in the world who wants this...but for f--k's sake, can we just get more talking? They can growl, shout - whatever. Just give me a f--king break on the fourteen-minute shootouts. *replaces tennis balls on walker*
• And finally, the ending. If you're going to tell me that Winston knew that was gonna happen, there's a tall building I'd like to take you to the top of. But if you're going to tell me he didn't (which I would like to believe [in a way]), then f--k Winston. And by making me hate McShane, you've put me in a spot I don't want to be in goddammit. How are we going to rectify this in Chapter 4? Hmm? Someone gonna call J.J. Abrams and have him undo that too?

While writing this post, my sister and brother have come into town (an absolute first, the combined appearance of my younger two siblings), and if you can believe it, neither have them have seen a minute of any John Wick film. But my sister? She's read Welcome to Night Vale. 

And listened to all the podcasts.
And bought some cool merch.

So based on her recommendation, I'm definitely going to finish the book. But they better watch the John Wick films in exchange.

Even if it f--king kills them.