Playing fair is a joke.

I used to think the only thing worse than dying young, would be living so long that your brain calls it way before your body does. I've had some relatives that have dealt with dementia and frankly, that seems like the dickest of dick moves that life could pull. Hey, you made it old-timer, you've lived a long life, but you're going to forget everything about it. Mostly. To f--k with you even further, it'll all kinda depend on the day.

But, and just the holiest of craps, it turns out there might be something worse than either of those two scenarios waiting for me at the end. It wouldn't be my brain or my body taking everything from me.

It would be some ruthless blonde.

No, it's not my (lovely, ahem) wife I'm talking about silly goose, but instead one Marla Grayson, the main character of 2020's gloriously vicious horror-comedy, I Care a Lot. Starring Rosamund Pike, in a role that would win her a Golden Globe, this little story starts out as a small-scale nightmare and kind of ends up...as something resembling...the American dream.

Wait, what?

Marla Grayson is in control. Her business, her love-life, her f--king hair, the tightness of my pants- all of it. That shit is locked down. When we meet her she's in court, offering guidance and wardship to yet another old person allegedly incapable of taking care of themselves. Aw, that's nice. Helping those who can't help themselves? Honorable, right? Uh, well...

Not in the slightest.

See, Marla, caring as she may be, is an absolute f--king shark, the top predator in a food-chain constructed of equal parts best intentions and worst-case scenarios. Her and her team are going to help take care of your elderly mum, sure, but there also going to take everything she has in the process. I'm not a hundred percent sure if it's win-win or lose-lose, but after the first fifteen minutes or so, I was damn sure it's totally f--ked up. 

While this little gem starts in something resembling reality (a scary one, no doubt), it eventually veers into something just short of having a coke-fueled Nic Cage show up and fight someone with a chainsaw. Fine, that's a little overselling it, but Marla goes from the predatory to the f--king Predator. It's a wild ride for sure, but one that might go a bit off the rails by the end.

At least...as far as I remember it.

Speaking of things I can barely recall, here are the Yays and Boos. My wife and I actually watched this movie the day it dropped in Netflix, and that was back in...February...of 1987? I have no f--king clue, anymore. What I am sure about however, is that when it comes to you, dear reader? I care a lot. Even if I have a shitty way of showing it.

Weird, that's the same way I decorated my dorm room.

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

• Eliza Gonzalez is unfairly hot. Like, she made me want to watch Bloodshot again. With a (legitimately) robotic Vin Diesel! The f--k?
• Speaking of sexy, Peter Dinklage is incredible here. Not only because he's f--king psychopath, huge plus, but he's brandishing one of the most epic goatees ever. Try not to get any fancy pastries in there, mmkay?
• Guys, Chris Messina shows up for five minutes and they are the best five minutes I've had since early March 2020. Messina plays a certain level of shady lawyer (there's a lot of that going around here) and it's just tremendous. He's so f--king confident and scary (in his pinstriped tux, no less), and Marla isn't having any of it. Not a f--king drop. 
• (even when he mentions unbroken bones, she doesn't flinch!)
• The shootout was wild, right? Right? (looks around nervously [I don't remember any of it at this point])
• Is bisexual lighting really a thing? If it is...this mofo's got it in heaps.
• The pace of this one is borderline relentless. Maybe Old Man Brown forgets how the motion pictures be, but I thought this one zipped by (which I'm in favor of, for sure).
• Man, the gas station clerk guy was an absolute legend. Apparently, that dude's seen some shit.
• And assuming you make it to the end, I think it's fair to say, so have we. My goodness.
• And finally, Rosamund Pike is so f--king badass here, I could barely handle it. Maybe on the second watch, maybe there's some evidence of Marla cracking, but I'm honestly not sure it's there. Pike is so f--king locked in, so ruthlessly sure about everything, what she does with Marla is straight up surgical. 

He's an angry elf.

Boooooooooo!

• Okay, if you're really trying to pull off the I care about these old f--kers, you might not want to dress like the aspiring mogul you are, you know? Maybe get some shit at Target and chill the f--k out publicly.
• I feel like I want to excuse the judge, even if he might have a trace amount of blood on his hands. But the doctor lady? She's basically tossing old people into a f--king woodchipper. 
• They take your phone? I mean, THEY TAKE YOUR PHONE??? Is that even possible? *dies*
• So, this cherry turned out to be the pits, huh? Huh? *crickets* F--k you guys.
• I actually love Diane Wiest here (and everywhere), but even though she's also a f--king lioness, too...I was pretty gutted for what they did to her. 
• Hahaha...I just remembered what the shootout was! That's not really a Boo...but I think some of the collateral damage could be (didn't an orderly dude get shot?...it's kind of coming back to me)
• Look, I'm not trying to shit on Marla, or say something like but she's a girlllllll, but near the end, she's the f--king Terminatrix. I don't think there's enough liquid nitrogen in the world to stop her (I know that f--ks up the reference, but f--k it, I'm rusty).
• Aw, jeez...why did it have to be a tooth? *shudder*
• It was actually cool as Hell, but the Voltron-esque combing of talents seemed a bit...easy?
• And finally, I don't recommend shit to anyone, but after this one, I was pretty cranked up. I called all the people I know and told them, you've got to check this out. And you know what? Half of them liked it (my mom), and the other half bailed after like, ten minutes (my dad).

I wish I could tell you, Hell, tell myself, that I'm back to blogging, but I'm pretty sure that's not the case. At least not really. 

Maybe if theaters do open, I can return to a somewhat normal movie-watching schedule. I mean, f--k it, right? I'm fully vaccinated (the lone non-summer related perk of teaching middle school), so I could probably open-mouth kiss everyone in the theater without a second thought.

Okay, that's probably a terrible idea, but at least I'd die young.

Oh, okay. Fairly young.