Tuesday, July 27, 2021

We're not supposed to be down here.

Greetings. And welcome. 

I want to play a game. Oh, uh, you don't have to like cut off the wrong foot or anything, just grab a pencil and some scratch paper, and number that f--ker from one to five, ten if you're feeling really saucy. 

I want you to write down the things you're most afraid of. Don't overthink it, just write! We can worry about the order after the fact. I'm going to play, too. Ready? Go.

1, Dying alone

2. Not dying alone (as in, I'm the last one left)

3. Pressure (both the kind that makes you sweat and the kind that makes your head literally cave in)

4. the dark

5. monsters

6. people watching me brush my teeth while I'm only wearing underwear

7. giant monsters

8. finding a baby somewhere (with someone who says 'we should take this with us')

9. drowning (literally and metaphorically)

10. spending any amount of time with TJ Miller

Holy f--k, Underwater, in terms of what keeps me up at night, you just went ten-for-ten. I was going to add in losing my job, and you, you  sonuvabitch, you nailed that one, too. And even more impressive, you did all that shit in under one-hundred minutes. Gold star for you.

It's the middle of the night, or morning (who f--king knows, really), when an earthquake rocks the shit out of Kepler 822, a high-tech research facility seven got-damned miles beneath the ocean's surface. Shit heads south instantly (or, frankly, caves in on itself), as any breach in the core not only floods the labyrinth of corridors, but the tremendous pressure ain't no slouch either. Luckily...sort of, a mechanical engineer named Norah (KStew, not so much kicking ass, but more refusing to let anyone else's ass get kicked) was awake, and manages to keep the whole f--king thing from collapsing. Unfortunately, she does this at great cost to some of her crewmates. Er, former crewmates, as their dead and their workplace is severely, um, compromised.

No matter though, as even the few survivors are totally boned if Norah can't figure a way out of this soon-to-be massive underwater tomb. And since there aren't any escape pods left, the only solution is to walk one (effing) mile across the sub-bottom of the ocean floor to a part of the facility that's still intact. Yep. Just head out into the darkness in some sort of mechsuit thing and hope your head doesn't cave in before you run out of oxygen, mmkay? Yeah, you could f--k right off with that idea on a good day, but trust me, this shitstorm hasn't even really begun.

Turns out, there's some freaky shit out there, and it ain't content with just scaring the piss out of you, either (which it does, early and often). Nope, these bottom-dwellers don't take too kindly to strangers and either want food or friends, or both, and will snatch your ass from the backside like it's motherf--king Dre Day. The silence, the darkness, the creepy-as-f--k nature of whatever the Hell these things are, all of this bad shit adds up to some good times, as director William Eubank simply refuses to f--k around. From the jump, everything spirals out of control and never stops. Even when what's left of the crew has a moment to not die, they're only delaying the inevitable. 

Also guaranteed to kill you, are the Yays and Boos. We've slept way too hard on Kristen Stewart, and one of these days we're going to rectify that. Maybe Personal Shopper, perhaps? 

  • The atmosphere is tremendous...ly horrifying. Honestly, there's nothing about this place that isn't a giant red flag and that's what I love about it.
  • Why isn't Vincent Cassell in everything? I've loved this dude in every movie I've ever seen him in (except in Derailed...um, intially? [I forget how all that all went down]) and he continues the streak here as the honorable captain. He's so optimistic and reassuring, you almost find yourself thinking, Hey, this ain't so bad moments before the monsters rip off your head and play water polo with it.
  • Even if I don't ever want to be in one, the underwater mech-suits are so badass!
  • Fine, she wouldn't be into me for countless reasons, but a scantily-clad KStew? Um, please and thanks. While were low-browing it, let me mention that Jessica Henwick, who plays Emily, is also rather lovely as well. *tips hat* Ladies.
  • Holy f--king shit, no one will get this nearly 35 year-old reference, but pretty sure KStew pulled a Tunnel Rat and blew herself out of the belly of the beast. *crosses fingers*
  • Pretty stoked that Paul made it out, right? Someone at Goodwill most definitely will be...
  • That one thing showing up was absolutely wild. I didn't know that's where were headed, or how to spell it, but holy f--k, okay - let's awaken that sonuvabitch, why not?
  • And finally, I'm pretty sure this movie had zero right being this groovy, but sure enough - it was an absolute smash. I wish I had caught it theatrically instead of Bloodshot (shortly before everything went to Hell, if my timing's correct), but to the immense credit of everyone involved, I was still fairly freaked out in my friggin' basement. Major love to the cast and crew, you all nailed it. Guess I should go ahead and put The Signal on my (probably never will) watch-list then, huh?
  • Not to be a dick, but, uh, we should prolly leave T.J. Miller down here, right? I mean, at least he won't die totally alone...
  • Crawling through some narrow-ass, about-to-collapse corridor is already f--ked enough. But, now you mfers want to further clutter this shit up with dead colleagues, too? Cool cool cool, thanks. You guys want to kick my dog, too?
  • Yeah, that last audio transmission, um, probably wasn't the best thing for team morale, either...
  • Isn't it the worst when the equipment you need to do your job lets you down? Sometimes the pencil sharpener doesn't work, or the wifi cuts out, and it completely ruins my day. I mean, my head doesn't literally cave in, but still. It makes for a long Tuesday.
  • Being so scared you literally jump is actually a Yay - it has to be. But when you're alone in your basement and you end up so startled you're sweaty and out of breath (and someone comes down shortly thereafter)? That's a Boo. No, no. I just got really scared is all...
  • F--king scientists always be like we should study this mysterious creature instead of being like me and seeing how far we can kick it.
  • Whatever the f--k these things are, while they might be lacking reason, they've definitely got no quit. Just utterly relentless in their defensive/offensive game plan of destroying all humans in the worst (and quickest) way possible. 
  • Be honest with you, I was not at all looking forward to the walk. Turned out? It wasn't that bad. It was kind of fairly well-lit, all things considered. But also waaaay too quiet.
  • I'm not sure if it was a massive fish orgy, or a just a super-chill sleepover, but whatever the f--k they were all doing just kind of floating around like assholes, I was not a fan. *shudder*
  • Was she trying to break a mask with a fire extinguisher? If that was possible, pretty sure I don't want that shit keeping my face from imploding, you know?
  • All kidding aside, I actually yelled something like OHHHHHHHEEYYYYYYY when a certain character got sucker punched for seemingly no reason. Damn girl, just state your case. No one needs to explain everything that happened and their broken nose.
  • And finally, in the little reading I've done about this movie (both before and after), there seemed to be a few too many people bitching about yet another Alien rip-off. Uh, we get it. Pretty much every movie is a rip-off of something else, so if that's all you've got on this one, feel free to take your fancy Blockbuster card and choke on it during yet another Marvel origin movie, mmkay? (not that I don't dig the MCU, but they're the same sandwich with different bread for f--k's sake)
So, after all that, can I see your list? *puts on reading glasses* Yep. Uh huh. I like what you've done here.

Seems we pretty much agree on most of these, doesn't it? I guess we have more in common than we thought. Especially what you wrote down near the bottom, wow, I couldn't agree more. The mere thought is terrifying, honestly. 

6. That Two Dollar Cinema will never end.


  1. Under 100 minutes? Sold.

    I also share the pain of Bloodshot being my last theater experience before the world turned to shit. Worse, I compounded the error by making my first trip back to theaters another Vin Diesel "classic" - F9. I generally love all the junk food that series shoves down my throat, but this one was expecting ice cream, but getting spoiled milk bad. Sigh.

    Awesome Dr. Dre reference.

    1. I'm telling you, right next to the rating, they need to start dropping the runtimes, too. "This movie is rated R and long as Hell."

      Oh damn, Vin's got you coming and going. I was going to head back for F9, but no lie, I don't even remember where I left off in that franchise. I think I'm on 6...but not even really sure. One day, I'll knock 'em out, but can't say I'm in any particular hurry....

      Hahaha....that damn line is pretty much always floating around in my brain, so I'm glad you appreciated it.