Greetings. And welcome.
I want to play a game. Oh, uh, you don't have to like cut off the wrong foot or anything, just grab a pencil and some scratch paper, and number that f--ker from one to five, ten if you're feeling really saucy.
I want you to write down the things you're most afraid of. Don't overthink it, just write! We can worry about the order after the fact. I'm going to play, too. Ready? Go.
1, Dying alone
2. Not dying alone (as in, I'm the last one left)
3. Pressure (both the kind that makes you sweat and the kind that makes your head literally cave in)
4. the dark
6. people watching me brush my teeth while I'm only wearing underwear
7. giant monsters
8. finding a baby somewhere (with someone who says 'we should take this with us')
9. drowning (literally and metaphorically)
10. spending any amount of time with TJ MillerUnderwater, in terms of what keeps me up at night, you just went ten-for-ten. I was going to add in losing my job, and you, you sonuvabitch, you nailed that one, too. And even more impressive, you did all that shit in under one-hundred minutes. Gold star for you.
- The atmosphere is tremendous...ly horrifying. Honestly, there's nothing about this place that isn't a giant red flag and that's what I love about it.
- Why isn't Vincent Cassell in everything? I've loved this dude in every movie I've ever seen him in (except in Derailed...um, intially? [I forget how all that all went down]) and he continues the streak here as the honorable captain. He's so optimistic and reassuring, you almost find yourself thinking, Hey, this ain't so bad moments before the monsters rip off your head and play water polo with it.
- Even if I don't ever want to be in one, the underwater mech-suits are so badass!
- Fine, she wouldn't be into me for countless reasons, but a scantily-clad KStew? Um, please and thanks. While were low-browing it, let me mention that Jessica Henwick, who plays Emily, is also rather lovely as well. *tips hat* Ladies.
- Holy f--king shit, no one will get this nearly 35 year-old reference, but pretty sure KStew pulled a Tunnel Rat and blew herself out of the belly of the beast. *crosses fingers*
- Pretty stoked that Paul made it out, right? Someone at Goodwill most definitely will be...
- That one thing showing up was absolutely wild. I didn't know that's where were headed, or how to spell it, but holy f--k, okay - let's awaken that sonuvabitch, why not?
- And finally, I'm pretty sure this movie had zero right being this groovy, but sure enough - it was an absolute smash. I wish I had caught it theatrically instead of Bloodshot (shortly before everything went to Hell, if my timing's correct), but to the immense credit of everyone involved, I was still fairly freaked out in my friggin' basement. Major love to the cast and crew, you all nailed it. Guess I should go ahead and put The Signal on my (probably never will) watch-list then, huh?
- Not to be a dick, but, uh, we should prolly leave T.J. Miller down here, right? I mean, at least he won't die totally alone...
- Crawling through some narrow-ass, about-to-collapse corridor is already f--ked enough. But, now you mfers want to further clutter this shit up with dead colleagues, too? Cool cool cool, thanks. You guys want to kick my dog, too?
- Yeah, that last audio transmission, um, probably wasn't the best thing for team morale, either...
- Isn't it the worst when the equipment you need to do your job lets you down? Sometimes the pencil sharpener doesn't work, or the wifi cuts out, and it completely ruins my day. I mean, my head doesn't literally cave in, but still. It makes for a long Tuesday.
- Being so scared you literally jump is actually a Yay - it has to be. But when you're alone in your basement and you end up so startled you're sweaty and out of breath (and someone comes down shortly thereafter)? That's a Boo. No, no. I just got really scared is all...
- F--king scientists always be like we should study this mysterious creature instead of being like me and seeing how far we can kick it.
- Whatever the f--k these things are, while they might be lacking reason, they've definitely got no quit. Just utterly relentless in their defensive/offensive game plan of destroying all humans in the worst (and quickest) way possible.
- Be honest with you, I was not at all looking forward to the walk. Turned out? It wasn't that bad. It was kind of fairly well-lit, all things considered. But also waaaay too quiet.
- I'm not sure if it was a massive fish orgy, or a just a super-chill sleepover, but whatever the f--k they were all doing just kind of floating around like assholes, I was not a fan. *shudder*
- Was she trying to break a mask with a fire extinguisher? If that was possible, pretty sure I don't want that shit keeping my face from imploding, you know?
- All kidding aside, I actually yelled something like OHHHHHHHEEYYYYYYY when a certain character got sucker punched for seemingly no reason. Damn girl, just state your case. No one needs to explain everything that happened and their broken nose.
- And finally, in the little reading I've done about this movie (both before and after), there seemed to be a few too many people bitching about yet another Alien rip-off. Uh, we get it. Pretty much every movie is a rip-off of something else, so if that's all you've got on this one, feel free to take your fancy Blockbuster card and choke on it during yet another Marvel origin movie, mmkay? (not that I don't dig the MCU, but they're the same sandwich with different bread for f--k's sake)