Wait, wait, wait. Did you all go to Pound Town?

There's nothing cool about turning forty-two. I'm losing my hair. I (mostly) hate my job. Oh, and uh, the whole world is basically a flaming turd bounding downward straight to Hell, inexplicably gathering more shit and flames with each passing second. But, doing some quick math, there is some good news. Being forty-two, today, in the shit-soaked depths of late 2021?

That means I was a teenager in the last great decade this planet will probably ever see: the motherf---king 1990s. *cue Ice Cube's It Was a Good Day*

I was fifteen in 1994, so Netflix's Fear Street: Part 1-1994 gave me a much-welcomed nostalgia boner from the absolute jump. And, honestly, it was pretty much sustained throughout - the nostalgia - not so much the, well...I already mentioned my age, right? Right.

Anyway, as the first part of a trilogy, this dope little flick comes from the edgier side of R.L. Stine apparently, and is much less slappy, much more grisly. Set in a cursed town like no other (well, maybe it's a little Derry-ish), this sordid tale is an absolute pitch-perfect throwback to better days. The kids are smart, but not overly self-aware and the murder and mayhem is top-shelf. 

In what feels like an extended episode of Tales From the Crypt (with a dash of Scooby-Doo because why the f--k not?), we find ourselves rolling with a leveled up version of Mystery Inc. But instead of a surly longshoreman in a haunted amusement park, this ragtag group of determined teens is dealing with a pissed-off witch and her legion of mid-level bosses. Ruh roh Raggy, indeed. If all of these kids wake up in the mornin', they gotta thank God...

Is it, a bit of, um...pandering to have a loose NES Golf cartridge lying around? Maybe. 
But I don't give a shit.

I'd love to tell you more about 1994, but not only would that be spoilery, it feels like I haven't seen it (or any other movie) since my sophomore year of high school. Seriously, kids, sometimes growing up sucks so hard, getting murdered by a demon in your youth might be a good call.

Did not see this dude's MVP status coming...
but, oh yeah. Simon's got my 1st place vote.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• Shit, I haven't said Yay about anything in six weeks. So the Yays? They're a Yay.
• Back on topic, can we give it up for the f--king Mall? Cover that shit in amber, so maybe one day, it can rule the world again.
• Very read Scream-esque opening. Shit got real hectic, real fast.
• No lie, maybe the best soundtrack ever? Concerns? Questions? Can we play that White Town song one more time? Thanks.
• I'm not sure I even want to know Nurse Beddy's story, but I'm damn sure I loved every minute with this f--king guy. So...interesting. And scary. Mostly scary.
• Man, I once was friends with a kid who could 'hack' a vending machine kinda like my boy Josh, and not gonna lie, it was one of the clutchest tricks of all time. 
• Deena (Kiana Madeira) rules so hard, I wasn't sure I could take it. And this is the forty-plus version of me intimidated by a high school girl. In actual '94? I would have died Hawaiian-royalty style (they killed you if you touched their effing shadow).
• Nothing like shitty cops to make a great horror flick.
• Okay, for a stretch of my life, I lived in Terryville, Connecticut. I only mention this because, the high school mascot was the Kangaroos. Pretty dope. Possibly even more dope than the Shadyside Witches. Possibly...
• As in all teen horror movies, at least those back in my youth, there's a solid stretch of (mostly unnecessary) naughty time. Here, well, it's tremendous. Not in a (super) pervy way, either. Just Simon absolutely killing it in a mirror, while Josh is whispering the Contra thirty lives code to combat his own vertical level. Oh, and the girls...well, they're having a pretty solid time, too.
• That trap was badass! Almost made me miss my old janitor bucket...(long, sad/awesome story)
• I don't remember the context of getting f--ked by a unicorn but I'm pretty sure I don't really have to.
• Uh, cheeseburgers, the Pixies and lots of making out? Um, whose dream-date is this, exactly? 
• A mixtape with custom artwork? If you could have only seen my skills in this department!
• And finally, it's been a minute since I've seen this, but just typing up this nonsense has got me wanting to fire it up again. Never thought something combining R.L. Stine and Netflix would be my jam, but thankfully, here we are.

Yeah it sucks he's in your living room, but you gotta
 respect that he came all the way from Snake Mountain,

Boooooooo!

• As much as I liked that opening, it's a shame that, um, person had to die. I was kind of a fan, you know?
• Wow, that cooler toss went way wrong. Like, Steve Stiffler shitting in your Coleman lakeside level of unfortunate.
• I guess I don't hang out a lot in hospitals at night...but, um, are they always so f--king dark? And short-staffed? I mean, you could go on a whole murder spree and no one would see a thing. Literally.
• What's this? A mysterious woman singing in the middle of the road looking like she just crawled out a well backwards? Yeah, you should totally go check that out. For sure. It'll be fine.
• Speaking of things we should check on, what the f--k is this black filter we're throwing over everything? It's cool we want this to look like a shitty VHS recording from that one weekend you had a free HBO preview, but sweet Christ there were times I had no idea what the f--k was happening.
• The best thing since sliced bread is a really unfortunate saying, even if you're not at Kate's funeral.
• I reject the fact that they killed off my main dude. Nope, never happened. He just moved to a farm so he could have more space to run and be outside.
• And finally, the biggest f--king Boo ever? I tried to keep up. Three movies, three consecutive Fridays. It was summer...no school...no nothing. Except a beach vacation. And that derailed the whole f--king plan. Started 1978 and never finished it. And 1666? Not a f--king chance in Hell I ever watch this one, I'm sure of it.

As much fun as I had with this flick, the scariest part wasn't the witch, her curses, her hench-people, or whatever. The thing that scared the absolute shit out of me? The thing that kept me up later that night? The fact that the 1994...was almost thirty years ago. 

*shudder*