Monday, January 30, 2012

Is the divorce final?

Pretty much looks like my wedding night.
Question: Which Hollywood Action Heroine could seriously kick my ass? All of them, sure, but for arguments sake, let's look at the usual suspects, shall we?

Angelina Jolie? Maybe. So thin and mother of like, nine? She seems kinda crazy, though. She'd bite if she had to.  Push.
How about Linda Hamilton? The Terminator version probably could , cause I'd destroy Dante's Peak Hamilton. No doubt. Oh, she resembles my wife too, so there'd be inspiration.  
Kate Beckinsale? If she's in the leather suit - yes, too distracting. Civilian clothes, oh, I got her.  
Mila Jovovich. Bitch, please. I'd just hand her my multi-pass.
And finally, how about Uma Thurman? Well, she's tall. And she might be packin' a Hanzo sword, so my money's likely on her.

Without a doubt, the star of Haywire, Gina Carano, could take me. Shit, she could probably take me and every woman I've just mentioned at the same time. Sounds like a sexy way to go, if you ask me. Very sexy. Let's put that together.

No thank you. I take it black. Like my men.
So, before I lose you to the wonders of the web, let me tell you that this movie is very, very cool. It's directed by Steven Soderbergh, and features all his trademarks. Still camera? Check? Badass grooves? Double check, here. Long, uninterrupted shots that create that documentary style? Yep, even in an action movie. Oh, and my favorite Soderbergh trick of them all: ridiculously awesome cast who show up for even the smallest of roles. I recently caught The Girlfriend Experience [review], and surprisingly, both flicks have a lot in common. Chiefly, an alluring female lead.

Now I know how I want to die.
Gina Carano is captivating. She is insanely sexy, both when she's dressed for an evening among adults or when she's slamming a gate on a kidnapper's chest. Seriously, you can't take your eyes off of her. And luckily, in this movie, you won't be given a chance to often. You can probably count the scenes she's not in on one hand. And if she's not onscreen she's probably just buying time before she drops in and roundhouses someone in the face. Fantastic. I thought to myself more than once while watching this: All the special effects in the world can't replace an actual beautiful woman. Especially one that kicks in faces.

Now we got ourselves a real twizzler, here.
I had some Yays and Boos ready to go, but I really need to get some sleep. I hope that this movie isn't the last we see of Carano, I mean in good movies. I'm sure she could turn out DTV stuff like Steve Austin or Dolph Lundgren in her sleep. Hopefully, she'll turn into a female Jason Statham, who's as prolific as anybody in Hollywood (seriously, does that guy not do movies?) They are both physical forces, but Statham is a pretty charming and charismatic, too. Carano exudes similar qualities, but her acting ability wasn't exactly stretched (just like Grey in The Girlfriend Experience). That said, I'll be first in line to whatever she does next. Hopefully a sequel. One that actually tries (damn you, Hangover!).

Even though I loved it, let me award bonus points for the following examples of ass-kickery:
  • Oh my God. There's a deer in the car.
  • Extraction scene slo-mo. So cool.
  • No music in any fight scene? Brilliant.
  • Best last line ever.


  1. The Jason Stathem of women? Yes, please. Excellent review! I agree to...well. Everything. And the bonus points. So true. Now I need to see this again. Or have a seizure from it's awesomeness. Either or.

  2. Thanks for the comment and congrats on the are 10x cooler than me. Damn.