Thursday, January 5, 2012

To me, it was a hotel room.

You know what? You should get naked. Yep. Take everything off. Then, if you can swing it, cover yourself in Vaseline, or better yet, paint. Got it? Good. Now, let's kick some ass.

Like De Niro in Raging Bull, Hardy literally transforms himself.
Wait, that sounds crazy doesn't it? Well, that little game plan seemed to be one of the main character's go-to moves in today's film, 2008's Bronson. Tom Hardy, soon to officially everywhere as Bane in the last of Nolan's Batman films, completely loses himself in the role of Britain's most notorious inmate. Seriously, it might take me you some time to shake the recklessly fantastic performance Hardy delivers here. The menacing stare that breaks into a smile (or is it the reverse?) has stayed with me hours after the film. It's creepy, but it's also pretty badass.

Obviously, I was pretty excited to watch this one. I actually opened it at the mailbox and rushed it into the PS3. Instantly, I was hooked. The opening sequence is mesmerizing enough, but the monologues and eye-contact will demand your attention. Bronson, as insane as he is, is a pretty likable guy. That may be romanticizing it a bit, but I felt like he was principled enough. He didn't kill anyone. I mean, that's cool. I could hang with that. And by hang with, I actually mean run from. Quickly.

If I remember correctly, Charlie Bronson originally got seven years for robbing a post office. From that initial sentence, Bronson earned himself thirty-four years total with thirty of that being in solitary confinement. Three decades spent alone in a cage. Goodness. Now, this guy is basically an animal (he does fight a rottweiler, um, awesome) so I guess he deserves it. I mean, how else do you punish someone who loves prison? Oh, I know. Art class.

Lessons learned from Professor Bronson:
  • Next time I'm looking for a job, I'm going to go ahead and pass on any prison librarian positions.
  • Viggo Mortensen? I'm going to need your gold medal for "dick-swinging, ass kicker." Sorry, Aragorn.
  • If I'm in a jewelry store and I decide to smash someone's head into the glass case, I should probably tell somebody else "Happy Christmas" on the way out. Wouldn't want to be rude.
  • Insane asylums? Terrible. Rooming with the guy who smears his own dookie on his face? Even worse.
Nicolas Winding Refn, director. You? Genius. This and Drive have earned you my undying affection. Be gentle.

Oh, and my wife came home while I was watching this one (Matty was sleeping). Of course, I paused it to help her in the door (she has a million bags). Also of course, I inadvertently paused it on one of the numerous full-frontal dong shots. Oh my. What are you watching?


  1. LOVE Tom Hardy.
    Don't think I would love this movie.

  2. Great review! Your style is hilarious. That aside, I did love this movie. Bronson is a beast of a man, and the movie delivers. Creepy as hell, but you can't help but like the guy. Good stuff!

  3. Hannah - I say give this one a shot. It's not terribly violent, but you might blanch from the language. And all the junk-shots.

    MH - Thanks for the kind words. Your blog rules. Heaps of badassitry.