Saturday, August 11, 2012

If I see you anywhere near Hell, I'll kick your ass out.

Lately people have been getting irritated at the number or remakes and reboots. It seems like we're at a point where studios are trying everything twice, especially with iconic characters. Hulk, Conan, Batman, Spider-Man, Superman, shit - the Wolfman, and just about every major horror icon (Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers and even Leatherface) have all been given a second chance. But there's one character, who's a little more fringe, that has actually shown up three times. I'm talking about Frank Castle, aka The Punisher. Third time's the charm, right? Well, depending on your mood, there's actually two answers to that question. F--k yes or f--k no.

Okay, Punisher: War Zone is bad. Really bad. But it's also f--king awesome, if that makes sense. I know the whole so bad it's good argument, but this movie goes way beyond that. And the fact that this is the third try makes me f--king ecstatic to see the first two. I mean, what the Hell happened in the first two? Did Dolph Lundgren only kill 50 people? When Thomas Jane killed someone, did he not always shoot them in the eye? 'Cause Ray Stevenson has remedied all of that. Big time.

Seriously, this movie is so badass, even its imdb goofs would kick the shit out of any other movie. For example:

At one hour into the movie, Jigsaw is sitting on stairs firing a gun. When the gun is out of bullets, you hear him yell "f--k!" but if you look at his mouth, he is saying "shit!"

Yeah. You just read that. And I just verified it. F--king wow.

Since watching this movie, I've learned that reason, logic, shit - words, are vastly overrated and unnecessary.  All you need is a face. And that's just so the bullets have a place to land.

I had some Yays and Boos ready to go, but Frank shot them in the balls. In their loving memory, let's discuss some of the more incredible violence featured in the latest Punisher flick.

It may not look it here, but this movie is oddly colorful.
Oooh, that's gonna leave a mark
(the best of the absurd violence)
  1. Very early on, Frank spins around (upside down) from a chandelier just shooting everyone. Amazing.
  2. Frank kicks a chair leg through someone's eye. Nice.
  3. Go open a bottle of water. That's how easy Frank breaks necks.
  4. I forget who, but someone takes a broken wine glass stem through the neck. Elegant.
  5. Oh, while we're at it, another guy takes a large metal pole through their stomach. Sideways.
  6. In one of the best minutes ever put to film, Frank first punches someone's face in (just one punch, naturally) then shoots that guy's dad in the face with a shotgun. This, while holding the most obviously fake child ever. You must see this. Words, surprise, don't do it justice.
  7. The main villain, Jigsaw, gets his horribly disfigured face by falling into a bottle recycling machine. Turns out the top of that was a terrible place to put your office, huh?
  8. Parkour guys suck, sorry. There always doing unnecessary flips and shit. Well, Frank fixes that. There's a scene where one guy jumps from roof to roof, and mid-flip (of course), Frank destroys him with a rocket launcher. Oh my god, I couldn't even type that without laughing.
  9. Frank sees an elevator door, slightly ajar. Upon investigating, he finds a huge, fat guy sitting in it. I'll let you guess what happens next.
  10. And finally, one particularly annoying character gets it the worst. First he is shot in both knees. Then, Frank throws him down onto a spiked fence. And in closing, Frank kicks him in his dead face.
I'm sorry, I have more. If the violence sounds bad/awesome enough, you should see when it dabbles in such superfluous cinematic tricks, such as emoting and line delivery. I'll limit it to the top/bottom 5.

Squeeze. Then pull.
Good-Bad or Bad-Bad??
(the soul crushingly amazing bits)
  1. They call Looney Bin James, Looney Bin James even in the looney bin. Seems odd.
  2. Everyone has the worst tough guy accents in the history of time. I imagine someone on the set was f--king around and sounding stupid, and everybody else said, Oh yeah? Listen to this...
  3. I've always loved it when someone sees something so awful they immediately throw up. Especially when it's the most half-assed attempt at vomiting ever.
  4. You have to see the part where the girl says Mom, I need my red pen. It's like one of those scenes in those Wicker Man compilations. NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! Aaaaahhhhh!
  5. Jigsaw, is ugly. He used to be handsome. He now hates mirrors. In a poignant moment, his brother vows that Jigsaw will never have to look at another mirror again. He then catapults himself through every mirror in the room. Jeez, I'm happy enough just to get a text on my birthday. But this? This is how I know you love me, guys.
If you made it this far, I'll be serious with you for a second. This movie is a steaming pile of shit. But, at times, I liked the smell of it. A lot.


  1. This sounds hilarious! Maybe I'll risk turning my brain into a sponge and watch it together with Ghost Rider sequel.

    1. That would be the best shitty doubleheader ever. Well, second best.

      I took my younger brother and sister to see Eight Legged Freaks in the theater. We then sneaked into The Country Bears. They were so bad, it was incredible. My little sister actually cried because of the awfulness.

      That, sadly, made it even better.

  2. Its really true about all the remakes and as well, books that are being turned into films. Its like studios are struggling for new material.
    This sounds like one of those films that will be so bad that it's good. We'll have to check it out

    Liam and Pearl

    1. I hate to say that I'm recommending it, but it's very entertaining. Sort of.

  3. To start, favorite bad line from this flick: "No! You don't get to kill my husband and make a withdrawal from the bank."

    Um....and Dark Knight Rises sucks? Sorry, Brown. My brother and I got this one because we wanted to make fun of it. And couldn't even do that. It was so bad that it's, well, just BAD! The action made Monty Python look realistic! And the sad thing is that Punisher should be one of the easier characters to translate to film. Lots of anger, no superpowers, and an infinite arsenal. How can you routinely screw that up? Heck, so far, the best (and that's a stretch) Punisher live action flick is Thomas Jane's short film Dirty Laundry (which became awesome just because of Ron Perlman) (on youtube). War Zone is one of the films where I wanted that two hours of my life back (add to that Open Water, Battlefield Earth, and about thirty other flicks and I'm going to die early, aren't I?).

    Yet, that's the fun part about movies, isn't it? We all love or hate flicks based on our moods, what we ate, who we saw it with (anything watched with my first girlfriend is trash, amazingly. I should probably rewatch them, huh?), that it's hard to predict what people will like or hate!

    1. That line is pretty sweet. Throw some bad acting on top, and it's pure gold!

      Did you really have to mention TDKR? I was hoping someone wouldn't call me out and put those together. But it's all about expectations, good sir. In fact, you told me this movie sucked horribly months ago. What's that? Oh, that was the sound of the bar lowering.

      If both these movies were women, TDKR was beautiful and smart and everything. But she had messed up teeth and sounded like a man.

      PWZ? Oh she was horribly disfigured, uneducated and smelled awful. But she bought dinner and one of her boobs was showing.

  4. Great review of an awesome movie! Loved Punisher: War Zone (it is my avatar, Haha) Agree with all your Yays, especially the chair leg death.

    1. I think people think I'm joking, but I seriously had a blast with this flick.

      It's not everyday you see something like War Zone. Though, that's probably a good thing.

    2. Definitely agree. This was made for fans and they pulled it off brilliantly....There are more deaths in the opening of War Zone than the entire Tom Jane version.

    3. Nice. That's awesome. I wonder if there are any plans for a sequel.

      Or maybe another reboot?

    4. Hmm i hope not...they should stop the Punisher movies...we got two good ones out of's going to be hard to top War Zone....unless Dolph comes back to the role. Haha.

    5. I wouldn't rule out Dolph's return. That could be their angle!