Sunday, August 19, 2012

We are morally indefensible, absolutely necessary.

Ah, the movie virus. Generally, it's a terrible thing - they either wipe out the planet completely, or turn its inhabitants into blood-thirsty rage monsters. Occasionally though, the movie virus can be a good thing. It can make you stronger, smarter, Hell, better. But there's a catch. There's always a catch. You're probably going to need more of it at some point, and guess what? Getting more, well, that's not going to be easy.

It's been a week since I've seen The Bourne Legacy. And while I wish the excuse for this late review was only related to going back to school/work, I've also, oddly enough, acquired some sort of mysterious virus of my own. Chills, muscle pain, full-body rash, and my favorite part of all, it hurt to look sideways, have been some of the telling signs. So, if this review is for largely worse (or, better) than the norm, well, let's go ahead and blame wavering health.

Last Sunday, I wasn't terribly excited to see this flick. I had already decided I hated it due to over-exposure to the trailer (which was seemingly placed in front of every movie I had seen this summer). Additionally, I had stayed up late on Saturday and watched Ultimatum and was owned by its relative greatness. It seemed like a perfect place to end the franchise.

But, as is the trend, Hollywood couldn't leave well enough alone. And while Legacy doesn't do anything particularly wrong, it's altogether forgettable, really. I'm a week out, and I quite honestly, can hardly remember anything that happened. Oh sure, maybe it has something to do with whatever is ravaging my immune system, but I'm leaning toward the microscopic need for even telling this sidestory as the main culprit.

I realize that the I haven't even mentioned the plot yet, and it's because I don't really have to. I know you've seen the preview by now, and if not, just look up there at the poster. Outside of adding a super-fine picture of Rachel Weisz, you've been given everything you need. Renner has a gun. And he does things with it. And yes, there never was just one.

In an effort to get some much-needed sleep, let's head right over to the willing participants in the program, the Yays and Boos, shall we?

Five! The number five!
  • Loved the opening shot - that was very cool. Glad I had just watched Ultimatum.
  • Speaking of, loved a lot of the overlapping scenes as well. That was all well-done.
  • Rachel Weisz. Could we get George Lucas to just put holographic versions of her in all movies, please? I'll start the petition.
  • Of all the things to kick into someone's face, I think table is clearly at the top.
  • Lab shoot out was creepy. Especially for PG-13. I always thought he was gay.
  • Suck on that, trio of Filipino security guards. Oh, and you can have some too, Gigantic Australian Plant Manager Guy.
  • Though borderline ridiculous, let's give it up for the Pacific Island model of the T-1000, LARX guy. Dressed for disco, this coat-smelling bastard came to party. And by party, I mean kill John Connor Aaron Cross. Bonus points for the dismount, too, let's not forget.
  • And finally, a moment of silence for the wolf. He lets Cross spend at least 90 minutes of this one off the grid.
Maybe this scene also connects it to The Grey.
  • Turns out training for the program isn't that difficult. Take pills, draw blood, fend off wolves with torch, hunt, gather. Oh, wait. Complete absurd jump across mountain tops? Yeah, I'm out.
  • Oh, and don't fall in love. That gets you banished. I think.
  • Also turns out that a tin plate taped over half your schlong can make you invisible to the most technologically advanced wing of the American government.
  • Okay, here it is, wolf fight. Never did I think those two words would ever be in the Boos, but even as a complete idiot this insulted my intelligence. I actually weep quietly when I think about the execution of this scene. Someone should be fired for this.
  • Wait! Badass agents-in-training have stayed here? No sir. Really? I don't believe you. What do you mean, come look under the top bunk?
  • Good thing everyone in Manila leaves their motorcycles running. And their squadcars, too.
  • And finally, this mutha is long. The other flicks seemed to be much more tightly wound.
Well, kids, I'm going to call it here. If it takes me a while to post again, it's only because school starts this Tuesday. That, or I've succumbed to my illness and am currently chewing on someone's face as you read this. Stay tuned.


  1. Damon was truly missed, but at least Renner made up for that with a different character that kicks just as much ass and is very knowing of what's going to happen next. There's a certain amount of mystery to be had here which sort of gets me pumped up for what they could do with the next installments of this franchise, and who knows?!? Maybe we could even get a team-up of Bourne and Cross? Highly unlikely, but it's worth the thought. Nice review M.

    1. It's funny, I don't put the overall lackluster feel I got on Renner - he was very solid. It was simply either a case of following something really good, or simply not needing to be done at all.

      As for your proposed team up? That would be interesting. I'd be in.

  2. There were definitely a lot of weak points, but I was just so blown away by the Yaaaays that it didn't matter. The house fight? That single-take shot climbing up the first floor into the window to shoot the guy?! LOVED IT. BOOM.

  3. Here's the link to our latest blogathon if you fancy taking part

    1. If you're still doing it this weekend, I might jump aboard. Thanks...

  4. The ending, my good man! Don't forget the lackluster ending. The whole theater reacted to it with WTF looks and audible comments. "Are we lost?" "No. Just checking our options." "I hoped we were lost." Cue music despite the fact that this wasn't anything close to resolution -- whole theater throws popcorn at the screen.

    Also, don't forget the awkward Bournegasm that Ed Norton's assistant had at the beginning. Five minutes of the writer saying, "Yeah, sorry we didn't get Matt back. He was pretty cool, huh?" Follow that up with random introduction of a heavy with a half-hour left of the movie (twenty minutes of which he spends running over rooftops), and this movie just reminds us of what we used to have. I ended up going home and watching the Damon trilogy to make myself feel better.

    Renner is awesome, though. Loved him in MI4 and Avengers. I'd watch more with his Cross character, only if they hire a better director or, maybe, rent an editor from somewhere...and probably through Netflix...

    1. I saw the ending as a good thing. I was getting antsy, and welcomed my release into the outside world.

      Watch it now...better director? This dude dropped some Michael Clayton on us years ago. That movie is pretty badass.

  5. I told you to lay off the bath salts. Do you listen to me? NO!

    Anyway, the movie is very forgettable. I didn't remember that much of the movie when I was writing my review of it. It was uninteresting to me, except for Weisz. You gotta have some Weisz in your life.

    The movie was all talk and no show.

  6. Sorry to hear you are sick, that's the worst, isn't? Hope you will feel better in few days.

    I'll probably catch this movie on DVD just for Weisz, I love it when actresses like her appear in action films - then at least one person is sure to deliver good performance. The wolf scene may take me back to the Grey, though and I hated the Grey.