Saturday, January 5, 2013

How about the inside of an ambulance?

In my teaching career, I have come across many kids with questionable names. You get the roster, and your heart sinks. Sometimes, it's goodness, I'll never be able to pronounce this. Other times, you think this poor kid. Doomed from the get go. For example, I once had a young girl that had two apostrophes in her name. Worse? They were surrounding an L. She struggled with logic at times, and got into some major fistfights, but overall meant well and was pretty likeable (depending on your mood). But first, you had to get past that name.
If the title Jack Reacher isn't suggestive, perhaps the placement of it is.

I know there's a sect of you out there that can't stand the guy, but I'm still a major Tom Cruise supporter. I can't think of a better example of someone who is a f--king movie star, plain and simple. That said, this is another one of those familiar flicks where Cruise plays the brilliant, handsome guy who's all about ass (kicking, stomping and even occasionally, tapping that). But where Jack Reacher strays from the typical formula, is that our main man is a real sarcastic asshole. He's like Vincent from Collateral, but not as well, murderous.

Jack is one of these good guys that isn't afraid to do bad things. He's a beast in every sense. Only slightly better than his countless one-liners, is the fact that he almost always sincerely attempts to talk people out of the ass-kicking he's about to give them. It's funny every single time it happens, trust me.

What isn't funny however, is the somewhat-too epic story attached to the all the wisecracking and dick punching. Reacher blows into town to help assure that the open and shut case against a lunatic sniper is exactly that. But guess what? Turns out that the random killing was anything but. The only person that can reach Reacher (sorry, had to), is Helen, the shooter's attorney, who happens to be the prosecuting D.A's daughter and the owner of some gloriously misplaced cleavage. Can Reacher and Tits McGee Helen uncover the truth and save the day? I'd never tell and ruin a Tom Cruise Production. Aww, my bad.

The Yays and Boos made a resolution this year to stop eating terrible food and spending their money foolishly. They told me this at Taco Bell after we went new car shopping. If only people could stick to their resolutions. I mean, we're not even a week into 2013.

Rivals Neeson for most bad ass phone call ever. Well, phone calls.
  • Whoa. That was one of the most intense opening ten minutes I've seen in awhile. That was a lot of scope time..
  • The next time I get my ass royally kicked, I can't wait to tear up a legal pad with the words GET JACK REACHER! That, or I'm going to draw a dick, Jackie Treehorn style.
  • Even though it's sort of shoving the obvious in our face, I love how every lady that sees Jack basically loses her shit in his rugged handsomeness. I mean I can relate. Relate means dream endlessly, right?
  • The back story in Iraq was badass. Kind of reminded me of the entirety of Jarhead, minus the luckiest mass shooting ever.
  • Damn near every scene involving Sandy was infinitely amusing. About three-quarters of everything he said to her was so incredibly mean. A hooker would get the joke.
  • Music-less car chases and fight scenes are always welcome. Just the roar of an engine and the sound of a face being punched is all you need. Well, that and love.
  • Thanks, Jack. In my many anonymous dealings with strangers I'm about to kick the ass of, I'm going to use your ex-second baseman trick. But, with all due respect, f--k the Yankees. I'll go Red Sox, every time. I think I look like a Pokey Reese.
  • Robert Duvall. This guy could play a baby-eating Hitler and I'd probably root for him. Luckily, here he settles for gun toting old coot prone to yelling Suck it! Much easier to get behind.
  • Rosamund Pike. Sure, your expression is stuck on disbelief, but you do well enough in what is basically a thankless role. And bonus points because my friend was convinced your were Laura Dern.
  • And finally, the ass kicking. For a PG-13 flick, it's pretty frickin' great. Sandy's 'brothers' might have been the highlight, but smashing someone's head in with someone else's head? No matter when you read this, I'm currently standing and clapping for that moment.
The framing of this was so odd, I knew the cop had to be somebody.
  • Jack threatens someone with enough jail time that people won't be able to tell the difference between your fart and a yawn. Dude. Gross.
  • Rape Rally. Yeesh.
  • Parking level 666. Subtle.
  • I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure visiting the families of the people your client murdered is a bad call. Just a hunch, counselor.
  • The fact that Gary @ Bootleg Pepboys didn't get a flux capacitor shoved up his ginger ass. 
  • The one time that Jack may actually be vulnerable, Larry and Moe show up...
  • ...with the assistance of Eminem's mom! Somebody give this bitch my new favorite Mortal Kombat finishing move. The Jack Reacher Round.
  • Even though I liked the car chase, I think I'm all set on fishtailing. Like, forever.
  • Bus getaway. Ugh. Listen up! I want this crime scene locked the f--k down, damn it! No one in! No one out! Well, except for that bus stop, nineteen people strong. They're cool.
  • Okay. So, if I get punched in the head, all you have to do is place your hand over my mouth and I'm completely f--ked? I mean, did that punch sever her spine?
  • And speaking of, we can't cover her face as we're rolling her into the ambulance? Really? Why don't we just jiggle her dead boobs while we're at it? Frickin' amateur hour.
  • Human Prisoner. First, you sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger's grandmother. Second, you expect people just to bite their thumbs off whenever you feel like it. And third, really? What villain has just south of three fingers? 
  • And finally, what the shit, Batman? All this goes down in Pittsburgh Gotham and Bruce Wayne can't lend a hand?
This movie isn't kicking ass at the box office despite generally positive reviews and the always bankable Les Grossman. Do you think some people are passing because of the title being odd and a tad difficult to say? Maybe they should've added an apostrophe.

Hell. Maybe two.


  1. Great review, M! I am not a Tom Cruise fan, and I'm not usually big on ass-kicking movies. But I did kind of like Collateral. So maybe.

    Given your love of boobs in movies, I think it's a cruel, ironic turn of events that you had to look at dead boobs jiggling as somebody was loaded into an ambulance.

    Reminds me of the time I was complaining that there wasn't enough male frontal nudity in Game of Thrones. (Given the number of boob shots in the show, they ought to give equal time to viewers who are women. Or gay dudes. That's all I'm sayin') Then when it happened, it was in a really gross context. My husband laughed at me. Sad, huh? :-P

    Enjoy your weekend!

  2. Thanks! It's only like Collateral in it's a little darker than your typical Cruise stuff, but Vincent was a ruthless son of a bitch. Jack, despite being all kinds of badass, actually could be considered human.

    Alas, the PG-13 undermined the displaying of the naughty bits. Luckily, the movie was good enough that they didn't have to resort to cheap stunts.

    As for your Game of Thrones story, that's unfortunately another example of be careful what you wish for.

    But, so goes it when you're talking about naked guys.

  3. True. That maxim definitely applies to naked guys. And a lot of other things.

  4. I'm definitely going to catch this one on DVD. Cruise may be crazy but damn if he is not a charismatic lead in movies. Loved new Mission Impossible and the bonus is Rosamund Pike, she is really pretty and I think she is a good actress.

    The more I look at Cruise the more I think Scientology may be onto something - the dude just doesn't age.

    1. Goodness. I completely agree with all of this. TC's charisma is relentless. I think, anyone who denies its power is full of shit. It's like staring into the sun and saying it doesn't hurt. I actually like this. Or something.

      Rosamund Pike? Distractingly hot in this one. Very much so. She gets stuck on baffled awe, but I still dig her.

      Yes! I think he's getting younger actually. Curse you, Dianetics.

  5. Good Review!

    Just can't support the idea of a Tom Cruise, PG-13 Jack Reacher. If they got Ray Stevenson or someone like that, would definitely watch this. The commercials for this were just non-stop annoyance, "Seriously?" "This is a bad idea" (while driving a car backwards.)

    1. I hear you, but unless you're an ardent Cruise hater, I wouldn't be surprised if you liked it. It was surprisingly entertaining, even it's silly and watered-down.

    2. Not really a Cruise hater, but he needs to choose better and grittier roles. Liked Collateral and The Last Samurai.

    3. If Collateral were somehow PG-13, and Vincent was a good-ish guy, you'd have Jack Reacher.