Sunday, September 8, 2013

It must be comforting the way that everyone hates you.

My wedding was uneventful. Well, at least in cinematic terms. No one got sloppy drunk. No one (outwardly) hated anyone else and told them off in stunning fashion. And no one slept with a bridesmaid (well, the married ones probably got lucky), either. Overall, everything seemed pretty relaxed. Though to be fair, I should probably have prefaced all of this with: As far as I know.


Eight names + Nine actors = One terrible poster.
Speaking of as far as I know, the people behind The Big Wedding likely didn't plan on making a God-awful movie. Robert De Niro, probably didn't set out to lead an all-star cast straight down the shitter. And Diane Keaton, sure as shit didn't set out to play the same f--king character she plays in every f--king movie. Again. I mean, as far as I know, anyway.

But then again, as every single post on this site suggests, I'm a moron who apparently hates his free time.

This film was yet another peace offering to my wife, brought to you by the good folks at Redbox. Minutes after I had completed The Numbers Station [review], miraculously, my wife tiptoed downstairs to fire this one up. Quite the double header, no? Anyway, she had been watching a shit ton of daytime TV and some unlucky bastard had been out promoting this flick. Very rarely does my ladyfriend get excited about the shit I rent, but this one was right in her wheelhouse. A picturesque wedding and a host of recognizable faces should have made for an enjoyable flick, right? Right. But then, for laughs, Robert De Niro goes down on Susan Surandon three minutes in and instantly we both realized oh, it's that kind of party. My wife? She lost interest and probably started thinking about what else she should be doing. Me? I crossed my fingers and hoped that somehow Arnold Schwarzenegger would kick down my door and put a bullet through my television/head declaring, Consider this a divorce. 

While continuing the baffling trend of tons of great actors being in the same shitty film, The Big Wedding tells the familiar story of chaos surrounding a young couple's wedding. De Niro and Keaton play the eccentric, affluent parents, though the real big twist is, they're divorced. Unfortunately, that leaves the door open for, get this, another eccentric parent!, this time played by Susan Surandon, doing her same old old slut routine, a character she could probably deliver many years after her death.

The soon-to-be married couple, essentially relegated to fifth sub-plot status (as so often is the case), are played by a guy I don't think I've ever seen in Ben Barnes and a girl I can't stop seeing, the ubiquitous Amanda Seyfried. Katherine Heigl and Topher Grace show up as older siblings with storylines so awful that each made me wish I still had our wedding cake topper, to jam in my eyes whenever either appeared on screen. Also along for the ride is Robin Williams playing, you guessed it, quirky Father Moinighan. Lucky for him (and us?) his role is essentially a glorified cameo, perhaps because he knew better. I mean, this man was in Flubber, for f--k's sake.

Speaking of gooey awfulness, here are the Yays and Boos. The fact that I'm still paying off my wedding, that's a Boo. But the day itself? Major Yay.

You pick: 1) He's literally phoning it in. or 2) He's probably calling his agent.
Yaaay!

  • No matter how much of a punch to the nuts this entire affair is, there is a silver lining. Once again, early in the movie, you get to hear Robert De Niro say, Un-f--king believable. Funny, that's what I said at the end of the movie.
  • Even though I hated the ridiculousness of her character, Ana Ayora, as Alejandro's sister Nuria, is smoking hot. Thumbs up for the skinny dipping scene. Might add that one to Boner Jams '03.
  • And finally, there's a scene where De Niro falls asleep while Keaton is talking to him and I'm pretty sure that was the funniest part of this movie. I've done that to my wife at least half a dozen times. 
I still can't believe that one of those guys played f--king Venom.
Boooooooooo!
  • Why is Diane Keaton always dressed like Ellen?
  • I was all about Eric Forman, but ever since, I think I've secretly hated Topher Grace. Here, he's especially annoying, playing Assfface Jones, Virgin M.D.
  • Though even worse, is Katherine Heigl. Yes, her breasts are wonderful, sure. But everything else about her character makes me want to fight the entire cast of Grey's Anatomy.
  • Speaking of those two, Grace and Heigl played siblings in probably the most incestuous way possible. F--king weird, that.
  • I hope you like things zany! Seriously, the forced quirkiness is cranked to eleven. Maybe even twelve. Oh, White People. You so crazy.
  • In this kind of movie, if you see a pool, get ready. Someone's gonna fall into it. Why? 'Cause that's f--king hilarious!
  • So there's all this hype about the groom's mom coming into town. Apparently she's some uber-religious Spanish lady. You can almost hear the Jaws theme music as she arrives. So, she shows up and it's some random actress. What the shit is this? Where's Sophia Vergara? Or Salma Hayek? I mean, isn't the point that everyone's recognizable therefore the movie has to be good, right?
  • Same goes for Heigl's husband, whoever that actor was. Where's Dylan McDermott when you need him? I'd even be down for some Dermot Mulroney, if I could remember which one's which.
  • We get to the point where it's clear that everyone has slept with everyone. It's supposed to be funny, but all I wanted to do was stab everyone.
  • And finally, the worst offender of all is the dialogue. Likely written by someone in their thirties but delivered by people in their sixties, it all comes off incredibly forced and awful. I'm all for naughty words and unnecessary cursing, but here it's just terrible. Extra terrible.
Unlike this movie, hopefully no one at my wedding sat there hating every single minute of it. I didn't. My wife didn't. Hopefully the leads in our little production can at least look back to that day without major regrets. I don't have any. My wife doesn't either.

Well...as far as I know.

21 comments:

  1. This movie was awful but great review! I thought De Niro was trying to do a comeback? He was great in Silver Linings Playbook, then I'm treated to this? The least characters than come off here are Ben Barnes and Amanda Seyfried, although that's not saying much.

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    1. I love De Niro more than anything, but even he couldn't save this one. Not only did the cast deserve better, but so did we.

      Ah, those two. They got off easy!

      Thanks for stopping by!

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  2. Wow goods sure sounds bloody awful. Loved your review, been laughing on the train reading it!

    I may just have to check it out at some point... Maybe a double bill with Little Fockers? I'm sure that would be one hell of a blast

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    1. It's seriously bad, but at least it was fun to review. Well, if sounding like a dick is fun.

      Have you recently committed a felony? I'm pretty sure your punishment would be that proposed double feature.

      Maybe we should challenge each other to create the worst double dip ever. Sounds like fun. Terrible, terrible fun.

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  3. Normally the line-up of actors involved in this one would interest me. But not this time. I saw the poster and kind got a feel of the movie. Plus Katherine Heigl is involved. I watch it if I'm bored on a plane on its playing on TV. Otherwise I'll give it a skip.

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    1. Make sure you're not sitting in an exit row. This flick might make you want to jump.

      Why does everyone loathe Heigl? ( myself included) I usually love got blondes.

      Hmm.

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  4. This movie sounds painful! Heigl kind of ruins movies for me. I avoid everything she is in.

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    1. Well, if that's the case, you kind of owe Heigl if you think about it!

      ( but yeah , totally painful)

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  5. Have to say, the worse the movie is the better your review! At least the more hilarious. I like how one of your Yay's is "one small part of one scene was funny". Also, my boyfriend and I got into an argument one time about whether it was Dylan McDermott, Dermot Mulroney, or Patrick Dempsey who was Dr. McDreamy. Afterwards we kind of hated ourselves but I came out victorious which was not a very big consolation.

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    1. No, no ,- that's totally fair. I'm not smart enough to successfully critique a good film. But to throw dung? That's my wheelhouse.

      In that argument, I think you both win. You were right. He's with a chick from FTS!

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    2. Haha, I will have to tell him that, although he is Rob who writes for FTS as well…

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    3. Very cool. I definitely dig his stuff on there, too. Well done, the both of you.

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  6. I have no interest in this movie at all but your review is a lot of fun! I'm actually going to see a comedy (w/ a familial theme) starring Robert DeNiro (again!), let's hope it won't suck as bad as this!

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    1. I probably got a little carried away here, but it really is all kinds of bad.

      Let me know how The Family ends up. I'm thinking it's not going to be very good. But my lifelong crush on Catwoman may render me powerless against it.

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    2. I've got my review of The Family up. Let's just say I'm not fond of it. But if you love Michelle, maybe it's worth a rent, that woman is luminous!

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    3. Well, let me check that out right now...

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  7. "Susan Surandon, doing her same old old slut routine, a character she could probably deliver many years after her death." - oh God, I love Susan but this is so true.

    I'm staying away from this one. Katherine Heigl is poison. The only movie I liked with her was Knocked Up and I liked it in spite of her being in it.

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    1. She's a cool lady, but c'mon, she's got the market cornered with 'sexy old lady' as far as I'm concerned.

      Knocked Up? Easily Heigl's finest career move. Well, outside of some Maxim pics from when I was in college....yowza.

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  8. Holy shit -- another bad movie with a great cast? And what's up with DeNiro? When I saw him in Silver Linings Playbook, I thought he was making a comeback.

    I was blessed with an uneventful wedding too. Except for my 60-something year old mother-in-law flipping off my stepfather for being a douchebag. Considering the level of crazy at which some of our family members have been known to operate, I think we got off easy.

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    1. Well, I've got some more bad De Niro coming shortly, so I'm pretty sure we should all hold off on officially declaring his comeback. Unless, maybe all this stuff was in the can already?

      Anyway, yeah...another terrible ensemble flick. Maybe it's like adding all your favorite ingredients to a recipe, not really giving a shit about the final meal. Oh, wait...that's a terrible idea. Scratch that.

      I think the bird should be welcome at any wedding ceremony. I mean, the whole day is about symbolism...why not throw in some one of my favorite hand gestures of all time while we're at it?
      Oh, and you're last sentence is so spot-on, I should probably make a T-shirt out of it. It basically applies to everything else, too.

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  9. I dunno -- that line might be a little long to fit on a t-shirt. But if you manage it, order one for me. ;-)

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