Thursday, October 23, 2014

Tonight we came for a bloodbath.

My eighth graders keep telling me this same story, again and again, over and over. And no matter the kid telling me, it starts the same way:

Well, on Facebook, it said...

It's at this moment, that tiny fragments of my soul harden, and I'm forced to pass them like a kidney stone. At least that's what it feels like. Anyway, the most recent story that they've been constantly referring to, just in case the ultra-reputable social media hub has, you know, more than one, is about someone coming back to life after supposedly dying from Ebola. This news essentially confirming what these thirteen year-olds have known all their lives: zombies are real.

I shake my head, imaging that ten years from now, Facebook will actually be a legit news source, with anchors, reporters and the like. But it will be so reputable, that future middle schoolers will shun it altogether, and turn to another online juggernaut for accounts of true events.

Well, on Netflix, it said...

...that zombies are real. And according to 2009's The Horde - they are. And they're not the slow-moving, shambling air-biters of previous zombie flicks, either. Oh no. The only thing these bitches do faster than run, is devour people. And in some shitty, rundown French ghetto, said people are one of two things: cops or criminals.

The idea of being trapped in a building during a mysterious (zombie) outbreak isn't anything new. But the fact that the survivors, who minutes prior were actually trying to kill each other, now have to work together? Well, that adds a nice twist. Throw in some silly violence and an ass-kicking fat man, and you've got yourself a party. Just not a very good one.

The poster likely tells you everything you need to know, as The Horde isn't really trying to be anything more than average horror fare. I will give it an enthusiastic high-five for pace and ridiculousness, however, as each of those are off the charts. Oh, and it kind of starts out rather serious, too, which was a nice touch for a minute. But then a dead guy emerges from the shitter and gets shot...somewhere in the neighborhood of ten thousand times and all bets were off.

Don't get me wrong. There's probably two people in the world I would recommend this film to, and if you can read these words - you're not one of them. It's fast, bloody and pretty stupid, but in a world with Netflix, that ain't saying much. I will say one thing, though: a lot of zombies get punched. Like, with a fist.

Who should also get punched, fist or otherwise, are the Yays and Boos. These two are already over the 'scary movie October thing' but I think I want to keep it going for at least another flick or two. Does John Wick count as a horror film? I really want to see that. I mean...Keanu's facial hair looks pretty terrifying.

I feel like this is how a Kanye West concert ends
 if you don't cheer loud enough.
  • So you're in a zombie apocalypse, right? Pretty scary stuff. But after seeing this one, I totally know how to calm my nerves. Cocaine. Lots of cocaine.
  • I don't know who the Hell the lady is, but this chick is hardcore. She kicks a ton of ass. Oh wait, it's a French flick. That should read a thousand kilograms of ass.
  • Fat Old Guy is pretty awesome. Yeah, he's a little too bloodthirsty, but that scene in the hallway was incredible!
  • Religion is just death insurance. I don't think you can just say that. You have to be looking at the weapon you're currently holding. And sweating.
  • I don't know if Subtitle Guy got carried away, or the French are just mad-scientists when it comes to colorful language, but there's a point where the bad guys are talking about prison, and someone refers to his black ass ending up as a dick garage. 
  • One of the guys is named Bola. When he dies, his brother yells BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAA for probably thirty seconds. I loved every single one of those seconds.
  • There's a gear up scene. Start the slow clap now.
  • And finally, that finale on the roof of the car? That shit was bananas. Our main dude Ouessem probably takes on a couple hundred zombies at once. And the line uttered to start all that head-exploding goodness? Eat me, you motherf--kers! Yeah, I had to change my pants. At that moment, they were covered in awesome.
  • There's not much serious time, but it's still too much.
  • The building superintendent? This guy is a real dick.
  • Why do a thousand zombies show up a shitty building with six people in it? Um...I'm pretty sure there's more people downtown, no?
  • Acting! You have got to see the facial expressions of some of these guys. As soon as they finish their lines, it's like some immediately pinched their gooey bag. Wait...this is a Boo?
  • The lady cop, as much as I liked her, was only afforded the ability to growl her lines, as this is how badass mofo's handle themselves. Oh, and apparently, in a sub-plot no one cares about, she's pregnant. I imagined that after shooting a zombie in the face, she'd squat, give birth, then shoot another zombie in the face. She'd wipe the baby off on her tank top, simply look at it to make it stop crying, then holster it over her shoulder like a shotgun. 
  • If you think any of that is too far-fetched, watch the ending. Tell me this chick isn't insane. I'm a principled guy, sure, but what she does? Damn. 
It's getting late. And I've got my own horde to fend off in the morning. You know, their writing skills really could use polish (hmm...I wonder where they get that from?). Anyway, maybe I can use their love of social media to improve how they compose their thoughts in written form. I know this great website that teaches grammar and punctuation. It's very reputable.

Well, on Twitter, it said...


  1. lol nice review. I can't say I've heard of this one, but of course that chick on the poster is running around with no bra. Because that's fucking practical.

    1. Thanks...I don't even know how the Hell I found it...probably a 'you might like...' suggestion from Netflix.

      I almost mentioned the 'no bra' factor, but I couldn't decide if it was a yay or a boo. She's too hadcore to need something to support her breasts. She just inhales and they lock into place.

  2. Wait. You mean you can't beieve everything you read on the internet? Who knew? Anyhoo, this sounds like a blast. How have I not heard of it before? Lmao over dick garage.

    1.'s not just that, Dell. It's that these kids are quoting Facebook as if were the Washington Post. It's ridiculous.

      Anyway, good luck if you do indeed check it out. It's really not that good...but it's certainly entertaining, if that makes sense.

  3. Where do you find these movies?:D You're still doing better than I do, October 27th - still 0 horror movies seen this month.

    Unless we count those pics of Zellweger.

    1. I'm not sure I'd label watching 'The Horde' as doing better than, well...just about anything, but I appreciate the sentiment. French horror/action is some weird say the least.

      My sweet, sweet Renee. I used to love her so. And I'm not trying to pile on...but those pics are kind of terrible. I found the younger model really, really pretty...but if she's happy...well, I'm...happy too.

      And scared.