Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Tell me something good.

At the one end, you've got Professor X. He's invading minds, looking dapper, and pretty much better than you in every single way. At the other, you've got this poor kid at Camp Crystal Lake, getting a knife buried in his head before he rolls down the longest staircase in North America. In the f--king rain, no less.

Cinema has given us quite the wide-range of wheelchair-bound gentlemen to root for, but rarely are we cheering for them to get the girl.

And as a person who often favors checking run-times over reading plot synopses, I was quite surprised (and delighted) to find myself able to be firmly in the corner of a disabled man in his quest to fall in love with a pretty young woman. It's soooo romantic.

I mean, what a happy story, right? Right?

What the f--k, Me Before You? You had one job, one job! and you totally f--ked it up. You were supposed to be a delightful love story set to the poppiest of pop songs and take place in a world where even a torrential downpour would make you feel happy to be alive. Wasn't that what I signed up for? Wasn't that what we all signed up for?

And you, with that poster, and those famous faces, you were supposed to make me, sitting there with my exhausted wife, in our messy house, on our shitty IKEA sofa, you were supposed to remind me that no matter what happens in this cruel conquers everything. You totally f--king failed, didn't you? Didn't you?

But guess what, Me Before You? Even though you left something in the bed that would even gross Spud out, and even though you ultimately might not deserve it, well...

I f--king love you. With every fiber in my decaying, hate-filled heart.

I do. And I always will.

Maybe this is a movie that you savvy types knew all about, but as the annual fine, it's October but I'll stop watching shitty horror movies for two hours and watch something she'll probably like flick, my wife and I immensely enjoyed this dramatic, romantic film. And while it did end my consecutive scary movie streak at...uh, was actually more horrific than anything with severed heads and exploding eyeballs. It pulled the heart out of my chest, bounced it like a basketball, and punted it into a raging dumpster fire. But what it did to my wife? Was so much worse.

But it started out so well, er, for a minute or two, as the handsome Will Traynor (an ultimately likable Sam Claflin) seemed to have everything in life. He's smart, rich, young, uh...British, I mean, could he be any dreamier? And the morning after shagging a sexy blonde in an all white room with all-white sheets (apparently the color spectrum is for poor people), Will makes the fateful decision not to ride his motorcycle, and instead totally gets run over by one.

My vote for most adorable person walking the planet goes to....
Somewhere near a rainbow and a stable full of tie-dyed unicorns is Lou (the delightful Emilia Clarke), a pretty young thing happily traipsing through life, working odd jobs in order to support all seven hundred and ten members of her family. Despite having a face that is ninety-one percent smile and eyebrows, Lou's quietly in a bit of a spot. After being laid off from the cup cake store, she lands a sweet gig taking care of a reclusive quadriplegic who lives far away in the tallest tower of an ancient castle.

I'll let you guess who that wheelchair-bound jerk is, and I'll also let you guess what happens between the two of them. What's awesome is one of your answers is so impossibly wrong, I want to point at your handsome face and laugh. When I'm done sobbing.

Also making you want to cry, are the Yays and Boos. When you're older I'll give you the real reason why I loved this movie so much, but for now, just use your imagination. Ew, gross. Dial it back, weirdo.

Helluva dress, Lou. Helluva dress.
I think Will's got some movement in his pants.
  • Man, had I known my girlfriend was going to run after me whilst holding her boobs down, I totally would have run track in high school. Or, at least, considered it.
  • Honestly, the clothes? The hair? Yes, please.
  • Will's ex-girlfriend is a f--king giant. I thought she was gonna post up Lou and dunk on her. Impressive!
  • Even though you saw it coming, I was totally stoked that they bonded over some classic cinema. Who knew French gay porn was so good at bringing people together?
  • I don't have the slightest clue what that silly song was about, but I do know I f--king loved hearing Clarke sing it to me. Uh, Will. She sang it to Will.
  • Even if Will could move his arms, I'm assuming that there was still going to be a time where Lou had to give him a slow, romantic shave (of the face, a-hole). I've always found this oddly sexy, but if a woman actually took that long on each stroke, it would be like painting the Golden Gate Bridge. By the time she gets to the other side? Yep, You gotta start over.
  • No, no. I actually wish that tag was in my trousers. Will's trousers, I mean.
  • How can the best gift ever actually ruin a birthday? Ask Patrick.
  • Drunk relatives at weddings: spouting truths since the dawn of time.
  • There's a lot of sweet things about Lou, including her dance moves.
  • And finally, despite this movie being one giant rom-com cliche after another, I quickly surrendered to how improbably charming this whole affair turned out to be. Outside of the last Terminator flick, I haven't seen much of Clarke (I know, I know), but put me down as a fan. If you tell me this movie sucks a giant French baguette, I'm not going to be mad at you. But for me? This movie on that night? It was totally perfect. And I think it's all due to Clarke's totally disarming performance.
Find your beach, Will.
  • You get a month's salary when you get laid off from the cup cake store? What the Hell? I assume when I get fired from teaching, all I'm gonna get is a handful of paper clips and a punch in the face.
  • Will, you dick! His Anthony Hopkins in Legends of the Fall voice was not f--king cool at all. Okay, fine. It was a little cool.
  • Why do quirky rom-com ladies always come from a house where people are endlessly circling the dinner table in the kitchen? Don't these people have rooms?
  • Oh dear God, poor Patrick. This guy never stood a chance. Poor totally-in-shape bastard.
  • I hope you like 'we're making progress in our friendship' music, 'cause this movie's loaded with it.
  • C'mon, Badge Lady. F--k you and your relaxed dining area. (is that a euphemism for her lady-bits? Whoa!)
  • That outfit is way too booby? Clearly your sister is a moron, Lou, and simply can't be trusted. In fact, I hate to say it. But...yeah. We're gonna have to put her down.
  • Hmm...a power outage after a kiss? I think someone must have re-routed all the room's electricity to Will's balls.
  • Uh, that's not how I expected the date to end. What the f--k is this?
  • And what was with Will's moderately creepy commands? Closer. Look at me. Yikes.
  • And finally, are you f--king kidding me? Good thing I wasn't watching this at the top of a tall building...
As the credits, um, rolled, I had to confront my own feelings about how I view people who are paralyzed, or disabled in some way. Honestly, I tend to want to feel bad for them, but I know that isn't the right thing to do. These individuals can do anything they want to do. Anything.

And after seeing Me Before You, well...

...that bums me the f--k out.


  1. "Why do quirky rom-com ladies always come from a house where people are endlessly circling the dinner table in the kitchen? Don't these people have rooms?" - LOL so true.

    This movie was disappointing. I read the book, which wasn't very great either, but they actually managed to leave out the biggest reason why Lou acts the way she does. I think they were afraid because it was too dark? It would've made this different at least.

    1. I'm starting to feel stupid for liking it, but I swear, it charmed the pants off of me. Though, that's not all that hard, as I'm always looking to take them off anyway.

      As for what you told me on Twitter? My goodness. I ran it by my wife while we were out at dinner and she was like, 'What the Hell?' But that was probably because, you guessed it...I had taken my pants off. Again.

  2. I'm with you on this one!! Totally stole my heart, and then stamped on it a few times for good measure. What pissed me off though, was right at the start of the movie, when the BBFC or whoever put up a screen showing the rating (12A I think here) the warning read 'theme of suicide'
    WHAT?! Talk about spoiler alert...
    - Allie

    1. Yes! I'm glad somebody is, because I was afraid I lost my damn mind for a minute. Or two. Or an hour and a half.

      That's funny about the least you had a heads up. I still totally thought the ending was going to be happy. Even though all signs pointed to 'obvious death' I was still thinking, 'he's gonna look so handsome at his wedding!" Then...dick punch.

  3. Yeah I cannot stand Clarke because she gives bad name to Emmy Awards being 3 times nominee or whatever. Ain't her fault, but eeesh. Also I heard how it ends and it kinda seems offensive to disabled people...

    1. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPER offensive. Like, yeah, you're rich, young and handsome. You even have a pretty girl fawning all over you. But, you can't move your arms or legs, so....yeah. Life isn't worth living.


      I have no problem with Clarke, as I find her, at least in this film, totally adoable. And no...I didn't spell that wrong.

  4. Hahaha!!! Keep up the good work mate, you have a great knack for analysing movies well while also injecting some funny arse humour into it all. Love it!

    Keep it up mate :)