Sunday, October 30, 2016

You know we're going on a special trip, don't you?

While I might be a tad cautious with actual currency, I tend to lose my f--king mind when given a gift card. Even the most trivial thing can seem like a sound purchase when it's somebody else's non-money. Oh, what's this? Utter trash that I don't need and will lose interest in as soon as I'm holding its receipt? Well, I've have had this gift card in my wallet since Christmas....

Netflix, though something I actually pay for, is the cinematic equivalent of the gift card. I often find myself indulging in something that I wouldn't normally, solely for the fact that it's, in my stunted mind, totally free. The only thing I'm wasting is my time. And if you've read this blog, clearly that's something I'm a fan of. A big fan.

But when I do something more than press that big red triangle? When I actually get out my wallet and pay good money to have a bad time?

That's f--king madness.

Horrid crushed-alien face or not, I ain't turning down the sponge bath.
Some of you motherf--kers swear Silent Hill is a good horror movie, but I think this 2006 shit-show is f--king terrible at best. Sure, not many genre flicks are as good as they were ten years ago, but I have a hard time believing anybody liked this one in the first place. This movie, coming in at a staggering 125 minutes, couldn't end fast enough. 

How bad is it? I'd honestly rather sit in a bottomless chair and have someone swing an original PlayStation controller into my ballsack Casino Royale style for two hours than to ever see a minute of this movie again. It doesn't even have to be Mads, either. Just like, a regular, non-handsome Dane will do.

Though it pains to me to even get into it, the short version of director Christophe Gans' Silent Hill goes something like this: a thoroughly-determined mother heads into a deserted town to find her creepy as f--k adopted daughter, who disappeared after a one-car accident. The closer she gets to the girl, the further down the rabbit hole she goes. And like a good number of dirty holes, this one is entirely full of shit.

Even if I hated the movie, this shot is pretty f--king rad.
Maybe ten years ago countless hordes of creepy backwards spider zombies, Pyramid-headed Manson fans, or tiny faceless fire babies qualified as terrifying, but it's pretty f--king stupid in 2016. And while the score is telling me this shit is fascinating and mysterious, I found all the demonic nonsense to be tedious and irritating. If you've got the balls to be a horror movie lasting over two hours, than for the love of Black Phillip, do something I f--king care about. 

And no, chasing an annoying girl through the 3D Maze screensaver on Rob Zombie's computer doesn't count. That shit's only cool for like, eight....teen...minutes. Then you just want to tear your eyes out and go back to playing Minesweeper.

Speaking of dated references that no one actually understands, here are the Yays and Boos. As much as we were looking forward to seeing Silent Hill, we're even more psyched about never seeing it again!

I swear I've seen that lady cop before... just about every Cinemax late night movie ever made.
  • As a guy, clearly I'm a fan of starting things quickly, and Silent Hill eschews conversation and heavy petting and gets right to it. Nothing like a little kid in peril to get things started! Wait... I think that came out wrong.
  • Nice pajamas, Mom.
  • Sean Bean is always welcome, even if you can see how hard he's concentrating on Evvvveryyy. Single. Wwwword. he's saying.
  • Headed to an abandoned town in search of a demon? Well, you're gonna need to gas up. At the weirdest f--king gas station ever. Seriously, all of these people are slightly off. Good thing there's a Sexy Lady Cop nearby. Nothing weird about her. Well, except everything.
  • But when Mom (aka Not Allegra Cole) ditches that weird cop and smashes through Jurassic Park-style gates to get into Silent Hill? All was quickly forgiven. For a minute.
  • Silent Hill is a pretty kickass setting for a horror movie, at least initially. The empty streets, creepy siren and incessant ash falling from the sky all add up to something oddly beautiful and entirely off-putting. It's when they head indoors (and people start talking to each other when the wheels really fall off).
  • that Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash? Like, the real version? Holy shit. I would have totally expected a shitty Sheryl Crow cover or something (I've never let go of what she did to Sweet Child O' Mine), so the original is greatly appreciated.
  • Some of the monsters are pretty f--king rad, even if they serve zero point other than to look super gnarly, bra. That Shuffling Armless guy was a personal fave, though of course, the Nurses, winners of the Terrified Boner Award, keep the top spot.
  • Though don't sleep on whatever that thing was that tore that ladies skin off...and threw it against a door. That guy can hang with me anytime. Same with Barbed Wire Monster!
  • Sexy Lady Cop is permanently stuck on INTENSE. Which is as horrible as it is totally great.
  • So, the hotel layout memorization bit was the Contra code, right? To get to that one room, I'm pretty sure you had to go up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right. 
  • The more I think about the Nurses, the less I hate this movie, so let's make this quick. Not only did I love them for obvious reasons, but can we put our hands together for their ill moves? I mean, if they don't win the Step Battle at Monster's University I'm gonna slit my throat in protest. You know what, team? Let's all slit our throats!
  • I hated the flashback scene near the end. But I didn't hate Flashback Mom. Or Flashback Nurse.
  • The finale is kind of f--king awesome, I must admit. Sure, I was stoked that the second hour was finally coming to a close, but still. It gets all kinds of insane in those final ten minutes.
  • And finally, the creepy guys who stroll around Silent Hill with a canary in tow. I think we need a shitty movie canary. Just keep that little f--ker next to you on the couch, right? And then when you press 'purchase' on something like Silent Hill, he's just loses his f--king mind. Yep. Solid idea, right? I'll start the Kickstarter now....
  • Perhaps unsurprisingly, ee get some pretty dodgy effects right out of the gate. That highway bit? Yikes. I think the only thing in danger of survival was my ability to [announcer voice] believe in the magic of the movies.
  • Mom and Daughter are having this real heart-to-heart conversation. Under a tree. Four feet from the side of the f--king highway.
  • Oh, and speaking of Daughter? She's the worst. Sorry, young actress. You gave it a go. But, like many things that happen when you're a kid....this was painful and awkward. And my God, her voice made me wish Jake Lloyd would swoop in and run her over in his podracer, ending her Newt-level shrieking once and for all.
  • Just a heads up to the Highway commission in West Virgina: maybe if we take SILENT HILL off of the road signs people won't bring their haunted children up there so easily. Just a thought, a-holes.
  • Creepy Fire Babies? Creeeepy. Unless you scream at them. Then they f--k off immediately. Shit. Regular babies are way more terrifying than these bastards.
  • You get cell-phone coverage in Silent Hill? What? This is a horror movie, right? Don't you guys know the rules? (and speaking of, where was the unnecessary shower scene?)
  • I went to college, so I know better, but I'm going to ask anyway: what the f--k was going on that bathroom stall? That was some freaky shit.
  • So her husband senses her in the school....and leaves? Huh?
  • They used to say this place was haunted. *envelope rip* And the NO-SHIT AWARD of 2006 goes to...
  • By the way, why does 2006 feel so much like 1996? Was this turd in the can for a decade?
  • Man, that cult-leader lady was impossibly awful, even by cult-leader standards. The Hillary Pantsuit/Star Trek uniform is bad enough. But the Jill Duggar hair? Too much awful for one person.
  • For a small town, this place has possibly the largest elementary school in the history of time, not to mention the tallest deepest hotel ever...built? Dug?
  • Rose shows up to a cult rally armed with...a speech. Really, Rose? They're executing bitches and you think nouns and verbs will stop them? F--k that.
  • If I was a lady, the list of things I don't want to enter my vagina is gonna be pretty long. And near the top? 17 feet of barbed wire. Yikes.
  • And finally, the scariest thing in this movie is totally the script. It's like every single line is the most important thing that's ever been said in the history of mankind. I get it, guys. This shit is intense. But in a movie where a guy with a box on his head swings a sword that's 19 feet long until bugs come out of him, the words should be the most believable thing in the movie, not the least.
Wow, you actually finished the whole review? That's really, really kind of you. I stopped caring seven Boos ago.

You're a wonderful person, you know that? I genuinely appreciate the support.

You know what? In the comments, go ahead and leave me your e-mail address. I want to send you some sort of compensation, a little token of my appreciation. I'm serious.


  1. This is a movie I have absolutely zero interest in watching, but I feel like I've experienced it through you now. Hilarious, as always!
    I'm a little scared but...
    - Allie

  2. Allie!

    I have yet to stumble across people that have seen this movie (people I actually like, no less)...and DON'T think highly of it. So if you do get the urge, know that I'm in the vast minority who think it's a flaming pile of dog turds.

    HAHAHAHAHAHHAH.....I'll get you that gift card ASAP. Once Circuit City comes back into business. But, there is something else I can do...give me a minute...

  3. Booo I like this movie, although I 100% give you Jodelle Ferland not being a strong actress. Her screaming "SILENT HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL" at the beginning made me cringe.

    1. Girl, you trippin. Watch this movie again. I DARE you.

      Hahaha...yeah, she's definitely not on top of her game, but poor kids always get the worst lines ever in horror movies, so I'll guess I'll cut her some slack.

      Nine-tenths of this movie made me cringe!

  4. Lol, I'm one of those who actually likes this movie. You're totally making me rethink my position. And Lady Cop...beyond INTENSE.

    1. I would say watch it again and see, but we're friends. I'd never ask you to actually sit through this shitshow again. Once was plenty.

      C'mon, man. Lady Cop had to be intense, as later on, on Cinemax, she was going to slowly fondle the sexy inmates she's obligated to keep a sexy eye on, amiright?

  5. Hahahahaha, man you crack me the fuck up! Love the Black Phillip and Minesweeper references ;)

    "Pyramid-headed Manson fans" was my favourite part. My friends tell me this is a good horror film and I'm always looking for something that is good, like The Witch or Carnival Of Souls. This sounds.... like something I should avoid. Thanks for the warning, hopefully I don't offend my friends when they try to get me to watch it!

    1. I love it. Anybody down with a shitty Minesweeper reference is my kind of people.

      Nah, you won't offend them. Just be real polite when you tell them to 'f--k off and die'. Like, say please first or something.

    2. hahaha fuck man, stop making me laugh. I have a flu and laughing hurts!!!

      Minesweeper references ftw!! Man I loved that game

  6. Oh, and I wasn't sure if you were serious, but... :)

  7. YASSSS!!! This movie is straight up awful...the ONLY redeeming factor is the eerie as f*** production design/cinematography...but GOOD LORD this movie is messy as f***!!!

    1. Thank you, old friend. I was starting to think I was f--king crazy. Well, crazier.

      I mean, you gotta trust Brittani and Dell, but apparently those two have been huffing the fumes from the underground mine fire in Silent Hill for dam near a decade...

  8. Who the hell likes this movie? This shite was awful! Brittani thinks Ed Harris is giving rapey vibes in Westworld, but I don't know what we have on Dell to discredit him.

    I actually saw it in 2006 and it was awful back then. There is apparently a sequel to this which sucks even harder featuring Jon fucking Snow

    1. Hahahaha....yes! Brittani also hates Shrek, which around these parts is borderline blasphemous. Dell? I think he kind of liked Chi-raq. That's how we nail his ass.

      Ten years have done nothing to make this any less of a turdburger, so I'm not sure which of is got it worse. The younger version of you who didn't know what she was getting into, or the current version of me...who (SHOULD HAVE HAD!) ample warning.