Monday, May 22, 2017

That's the spirit.

Sure, I've talked some shit about it before, but in all seriousness, it's really great being a dad.

Backed by an innate sense of love and protecting our offspring, us dads are afforded the opportunity to guide these little creatures from such delicate beginnings, all the way to the madness of adulthood. And it's then, long after all the wondrous efforts that go into creating them (uh, easily my favorite part of the process), when you finally reach that incredible moment when you know your work is done. You can sit back and smile with pride, as these once-little monsters you've created go out there and just f--king devour the world.

Like, literally.

After not really knowing what the f--k happened in Prometheus [review] (even after a super-smart chick once explained it to me), Alien: Covenant thankfully dumbs it down tremendously. While that might not sound like a ringing endorsement, as someone who publicly admits James Cameron's Aliens is the best in the series, it was exactly what the space-doctor ordered.

Set years after the events of Prometheus, Ridley Scott's latest tells an, at least initially, unconnected story. This time out, the ragtag crew of racially-diverse space people we're hurtling through the galaxy with has a fairly straightforward mission: get to a remote planet named Origae-6, and f--k like rabbits. Okay, not really, but the goal is to populate that shit with the two thousand (hypersleeping) peeps on board, plus the one thousand embryos just waiting to be hatched (that's how babies are made, right?). Sounds easy enough...

Well, it would have been, had some freaky shit not happened and killed a few fairly clutch crew members, you know? Oh, and not talking about acid-drooling xenomorphs, either - at least not yet. No, the real nefarious f--ker that sets this shit in motion? Uh...turns out to be an energy blast that happened at the universally worst possible time for anything bad to happen: when everybody was sleeping.

Well, everyone except Walter. The droid.

 From that moment on, (and shit, what I've described all takes place in the first fifteen minutes) it's a delightfully slippery slope from hey, let's check out that curious transmission to Game over, man. Game over! The crew of the Covenant, headed by a woefully ill-prepared captain Oram (a perfectly overwhelmed Billy Crudup) can't catch a f--king break. Yeah, this planet they're checking on seems pretty much perfect, basically ready to sustain human life asap. Well, outside of the fact that it's so f--king quiet, everyone can hear you scream. 

Speaking of things that will quietly (or loudly) kill you, here are the Yays and Boos. They've been in denial that we've essentially reached Summer Movie Season, but I think that's because we have three weeks left of school. Speaking of face-huggers strangling the life out of people...

Usually when I f--k people over, I try to not to make so much eye-contact.
Probably because I was raised right.
  • Uh, unrelated, but as a guy who refuses to watch trailers online, seeing the Atomic Blonde preview certainly set the mood for an eventful evening.
  • Oooh, yes! Guy Pierce! And he's all normal looking! Joy!
  • Why are droids such uppity dicks? I mean, I guess Walter has a good reason being a snobby douche, as he is, you know, perfect.
  • I totally dug the little powerplay early on when the crew had an impromptu service for one of their fallen. Turns out the us vs. them thing isn't exclusive to aliens and humans...*rubs hands together...Excellent*
  • I was also a big fan of Oram's (Crudup's) brief lament on how he's resented by the crew for being religious. I'm not religious myself, but I could feel this dude's pain. (this is what it's like to value education in a middle school classroom)
  • Even if it was heavily featured in the trailer, there is so much greatness with the initial quarantining of that one infected soldier. And the resulting chaos? I've got three words to describe it. Un. F--king, Believable. 
    • Dude, I've been around two babies the moment after they were born and it's all kinds of madness. But my little ones were cold and scared. These little f--kers? The direct opposite.
    • I'm sorry, but I've never seen someone slip in blood in a movie, and not been equal parts horrified and utterly thrilled.
  • Yo, is that Luke Skywalker showing up with the fireworks from Coneheads? Who is this dreamy, cloaked badass? Oh....
  • The violence, even though brief, is amazing! Limbs chomped off, a jaw is yanked off, burns, bites, explosions....are all nothing...compared to when the xenomorphs really get a hold of you.
  • Welcome, brother. Holy shit, you guys. It's Kurt Cobain! No wait. It's just a dreamy German, who after years alone on this empty planet, probably smells exactly like Teen Spirit.
  • And speaking of this scruffy nerf-herder, I think the okey-doke he pulled was pretty epic. Foolishly (and unsurprisingly if you've read this blog...), I didn't see it coming.
  • There was one crew member that was decidedly hot. And no, I'm not talking about the woman that blew herself up.
  • And finally, even though I'm probably on the wrong side of the rest of you educated types in the blogosphere, I really enjoyed Alien: Covenant. It wasn't quite the gold standard of space terror (for me, that title will always belong to Event Horizon), but it was a scary-ass frenetic ride into chaotic chest-bursting madness. I like the mold so much, I don't see a need to break that f--ker, you know?
This lady is basically Ripley, minus being super rad and nine feet tall.
  • Okay, that flashback of David totally featured him symbolically pissing in Peter Weyland's mouth, right?
  • I swear, at times, the score sounded like an old episode of Star Trek
  • Aw, that one little kid ended up in the trash can, didn't he? 
  • Hey! James Franco is in thi--- erp. Nevermind.
  • In real life, audio feedback is annoying. In movies, audio feedback is terrifying. 
  • That John Denver is full of shit, man.
  • Man, I'm scared of enough shit as it is. But now I gotta be scared of wheat, too? Sonuva!
  • Ultimately, I'm cool with it. But the whole ruh-roh, a storm is coming is kind of cliche, no?
  • In a video game, it always sucks when you're standing too close to a canister, and you shoot it blowing yourself to Hell. In a spaceship? It's even worse.
  • I'll do the fingering. Lots of snickering after this line...
  • What the f--k? He talks to them?
  • I'm not really sure about all that swinging around near the end. Like, what are the odds that they don't bounce her off something, you know? That shit was pretty f--king lucky (all things considered).
  • Alright! Even if everyone we know is dead, there's always a minute or two for a little shower-time fun, right? Bonus points are awarded for the rad all-glass shower (and the boobs, naturally). In fact, it's so might be able to fit three in it. Oooh, about that...
  • And finally, opening night in my town? The theater was chock full of cool kids. And by cool kids, clearly I mean top-shelf dickbags. If you come to the theater to say some dumb shit out loud to a room full of strangers, I hope your next selfie is your last. Shouldn't you be out shopping for new rompers, f--kface?
My son really wanted to see the new Diary of a Wimpy Kid movie this past weekend, but we somehow (for the moment) dodged that bullet. When I told him I was going to see Alien: Covenant (after he was going to bed, mind you), he sort of half-heartedly asked if it was something he could see. I just laughed at him.

No way, kiddo. It's way too violent and scary for a little kid. See, I'm totally a good da--

Wait til it comes out on blu ray.


  1. Gustav had a cold so I couldnt go last week and too tired to see it this week. I know what they have done and while not as astonishingly dumb, irresponsible and offensive in all possible ways as something that was tweeted to me last week it's still such a bad idea.

    "as someone who publicly admits James Cameron's Aliens is the best in the series" - surprisingly not the worst thought you shared lately

    "In fact, it's so might be able to fit three in it. " ...three? Three of what? You know what dont tell me.

    1. Aw, poor pup. My dog's getting old...I'd definitely sit out some flicks to hang with him.

      Hahahaha...I don't care what anyone says, Aliens is way too much fun. Those space marines essentially raised me. I consider my brothers to be Hudson and Hicks, if not the other way around...

      Three what? Goodness. I meant people. And the big thing I was talking about was the SHOWER. At least I think so. All this boob/shower talk and the room is spinning.

    2. Having seen it I must admit wiping Gustavs nose last week was a more enjoyable experience. During both slip on blood scenes I laughed so hard I almost peed myself but the baby xeno imitating David moves legit made me embarassed for Scott.

      That was the worst thing I saw all year and I sat through MTV movie awards.

    3. Okay, I'm TOTALLY with you on David 'communicating' withe the babies. That was so f--king embarrassing for everyone involved. I almost shit my own pants just to take the pressure of off Fassbender.

      That said, I still had a lot of fun. It was silly, but uh...tiny, pissed off aliens killed a lot of multi-cultural people I didn't care about. That's exactly what I wanted.

    4. Fassbender was fine, he cannot embarrass himself not when he is consistently giving good performances and being - here - the best thing in the movie. He was also almost the best thing about Apocalypse too and that including his laughable attempts at speaking Polish. Almost because Jackman showed up shirtless to growl and tear bitches up for 5 minutes so everyone else was just playing for second place in 'the best in the show' contest.

  2. I wanted to go to this yesterday but ended up doing other things in stead. Hopefully I'll get to it some time this week. Great review!

    1. Thank you. I hope you have a good time with it.

  3. I'm so with you on this one, every step of the way. It was a fun, messy, gory ride! I still cringe every time I read 'I'll do the fingering' though, gawwwwwd!

    1. Fun? Yes. Messy? Indeed. Gory? HELL YES.

      All that means, at least in my book, you can't really go wrong.

  4. "What the f--k? He talks to them?" Bahahha, right?! But hey, man, Fassbender can get away with most anything in my eyes.

    Also, have you trademarked "top-shelf dickbags"? Because if not, I think I'm going to have to steal it. Classic.

    1. Yeah, man. Fass has that level of control, I'm sure of it. Hell, if that dude looked at me and waved his arms, you best believe I'm following suit.

      By all means, it's yours. But if you see me walking around wearing the T-shirt (I'll hastily make), we better high-five, okay?

  5. "Scruffy nerf-herder?" My son collects creative insults the way some people collect trading cards (plus invents his own), but that's a new one on me. :-)

    I'm kind of "meh" about seeing this movie, but eventually my husband will talk me into it. He's exhausted all the time on account of working night shifts, and he claims only action movies keep him awake. (No use trying to talk him into a drama or a fluffy romance.) He's a shrewd man, isn't he?

    1. Ah, dammit. I misquoted Star Wars. It's 'scruffy-looking nerf herder', according to a young Princess Leia.

      I thought it was a good time, though I really wasn't expecting all that much. I would definitely go to it with my husband...if I, uh, were you. Solid tactic on his part, too.