Friday, August 17, 2018

I'm beginning to see why you guys enjoy this so much.

Hey, Dr. Jones. No time for love!

I've gone on record likely too many times saying this, but I hate, absolutely loathe, the passionate goodbye kiss when the fate of the world is in play. The end of days is in your hands and you take a moment to clean someone's teeth with your tongue? Ridiculous on so many levels. The clock's ticking, dickhole. If you saved the entire f--king world, pretty sure the line to go down on you starts two streets over.


...when that same hero (or heroine) chooses against saving the world and instead saves someone that means something to them? I'm beyond cool with that. How can you let someone you care about die directly in front of you? You can't. Imagine if you kept the detonator, walked away, saved the planet, only to find out your loved one survived getting shot in the face?

That would be, like, so embarrassing. 

The only thing embarrassing about Mission: Impossible Fallout is how little I remember about the story. Kicking off shortly after the events of the stellar Rogue Nation [review] (whatever they were), Ethan Hunt finds himself forced between saving his friend and, you guessed it, saving the world. Unfortunately for the rest of, Hunt chooses his (and let's be honest, our) main dude, Marsellus Wallace. Er, Luther. The badass computer dude of the IMF team.

Hey, that's cool - the CIA will totally be cool with Hunt's loyalty, till they aren't, and assign a mustachioed rock-monster named Walker to aid Hunt in undoing what he done did, which is f--k the Hell up. See letting Luther live allowed some nuclear components to enter the hands of some unsavory types. Hunt and his crew gotta get that shit back, and Walker's gonna make sure they don't f--k up again. No pressure, really. Just imagine your boss standing over your desk every second of the day. And even worse? He's staring deep into your soul at all times, cocking his arms. Or arming his cock...whichever one makes you more nervous.

From there, it's as my main dude Dell so eloquently puts it, an awesome movie with awesome stunts. Indeed, just like you've probably heard more than once, uh, a few weeks back, Fallout is as good as everyone says it is. Director Christopher McQuarrie's latest M:I flick is full of bananas action that unequivocally demands to be seen on the big screen, even if MoviePass wouldn't allow it.

It's never good news when someone's in the men's room is literally tearing their own clothes off.
Clearly, I can't be trusted, but if this isn't the best movie of the summer, it's top two at least. I mean, Uncle Drew [review] was pretty much mind blowing, sure, but the extraordinary effort that Cruise and McQuarrie put into these flicks f--king jumps off the screen. Damn near literally. While the plot gets a little murky at times (still not sure why the White Widow really needed to be involved), the cast is more than game and the stunt work is unmatched. And who knows, maybe it'll win an Oscar this year. I mean, it's got great hair and gets good grades. Oh, and I also heard it might be dating the pretty cheerleader, you know, the one running for student council president. So, fingers crossed.

Speaking of things that didn't need to happen, here are the Yays and Boos. I really wish I could remember what the Hell happened in this movie, but my summer brain works about as your phone does when you put it into power saving mode. Yeah, it's on, but it's so f--king dim I'm not even sure it's really working.

Ferguson's red-carpet security team is pretty f--king solid, no?

  • Assuming Ilsa is not an official member of the IMF, my current favorite member? Wolf Blitzer. Even if his code name is beyond ridiculous.
  • Dude, is there anyone better than side-eye your rogue ass than Angela Bassett's Sloane? Her zero bullshit tolerance is f--king fantastic. 
  • Turns out, the Man of Steel shouldn't skydive during a thunderstorm. Let's just say, I wasn't the only one shocked at the results.
  • I wish that was the way I broke my last laptop. 
  • You must be new. Nice one, Rebecca Burn-a-son. 
  • While all the stunts make you lean forward while at the same time wince backward, I think the best one of all was that extended motorcycle chase. Holy shit, guys. I thought the Rogue Nation chase was madness...
  • Whoa. Ethan Hunt wasted those dudes. Like, they aren't coming back from that, you know?
  • Hahaha...Benji calling out the coordinates to Ethan. 
  • Aw, Luther's speech to Ilsa? Might have been be favorite bit of not fighting in the whole damn series.
  • I forgot about Michelle Monaghan. *wipes brow* Is it getting hot in here? Or is it just all the women that Hunt falls for?
  • Beyond cheering the fact that Tom Cruise, after training, can probably actually save the world, the helicopter chase was pure insanity. And while I like watching them fly and shit, turns out seeing them crash (more than once) is even better. Holy Hell it wouldn't stop!
  • DC might be pissed, but I was psyched that Superman essentially turned into f--king Two-Face by the end. That's probably gonna leave a mark.
  • And finally, is there any way I can be Solomon Lane for Halloween? He is the best/worst villain ever. He's got these insanely beady eyes and this uber-ridiculous voice that just screams burgeoning self-righteous lunatic, you know? I'm not sure I could pull it off, but I'm damn sure it would be fun to try. Like, even if I just boil it down to the using the voice for an evening, it's probably gonna be the best Halloween ever.

For me, I tell this story every day for the rest of my life.
For Tom Cruise? This is a slow Wednesday.

  • If only my blog would self-destruct in five seconds...
  • I like Cavill and all, I do, but it just a coincidence that he plays an almost-mute wrecking ball...again?
  • Was there no other way into that rave than to parachute? Didn't seem all that necessary, you know?
  • I mean, how can they have any money in the budget for security when they've clearly spent it on the world's largest and cleanest men's room in the history of concert venues.
  • And while we're in the shitter, someone please explain to me how that dude even begins to handle Hunt and Walker at the same time? Easy ladies, I'm talking about a fight...pervs.
  • But when we get back to the party, um, everyone is way too cool with attempted murder. Knives come out and people barely put down their drinks. But ah gun? RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
  • When transporting possibly the world's most dangerous man, the people involved are incredibly calm aren't they? A huge truck rolls over in an intersection and not a single red flag is raised? Okay.
  • Aw, I felt really bad for that cop lady. Not cool, guys.
  • Um, Julia's husband guy? Doctor Guy or whatever? You seem nice, man. But could, you, uh, just stop talking please? I don't want to a be a dick or anything, one here likes you.
  • Is there some time exchange I'm unfamiliar with, because that fifteen minutes felt waaaay longer.
  • This is what I wrote: it's cool that the balls just fall out? I think I was talking about the plutonium, but even if I wasn't, I'm assuming this gets filed in the Boos regardless.
  • And finally, would it be possible if Luther or Benji could get the girl, even if it's just one time? Yeah, Hunt's dreamy and amazing and everything, but goddamn, these guys are risking their asses too, right? They are always just left there like a-holes looking at Ethan brushing the hair off some beautiful woman's face. I guess it would be weird if everyone met someone (like, to see the three of them making out simultaneously...I mean three couples f--ker), but still. Maybe just a post-credits scene where Luther arrives home and his wife's in the bed waiting for him with a Roast Beef Gyro or something, right? Did you save that crazy whiteboy again, honey? 

I guess I need to walk back my hate for the kiss-thing don't I? If I'm cool with saving your friends instead, I guess making out with your girlfriend should be okay, too? *considers it*

Nope. Still can't do it.

Look, a kiss is stupid, but no one would blame you if you wanted to have raw sex in the street one last time Crank-style. Hell - that at least makes sense. It's basically the world's biggest orgy. Not only are you f--king your partner, but you're pretty much screwing everyone in the world, too. Maybe you can finish just as the bomb goes off.

That would be, like, so romantic.


  1. Damn the end of this review is if something I would write on an off day because you know if I were in my peek form I would describe this in detail. That's Cavill working his magic on you and making you horny even when you are kinda dissing him here :D I LAUGHED SO FREAKING HARD when that lighting stroke him. I never laugh out loud in cinema but I couldn't calm down for at least a minute

    1. Is it though? Maybe...a little. Anytime I can bring up that Crank scene, I feel it's my duty.

      Wait, Cavill is not the one making me horny here. At least, not as far as I'm aware of. But that Ilsa? She might be more responsible. Like, a lot more. Goodness.

      I read your tweet beforehand, so I knew it was coming. Still cracked up though.

  2. Yes, the pre-save-the-world kiss - soooo ridiculous.

    Dude, you could literally live in that bathroom. When it showed up, I turned to my wife and whispered that I've never seen a bathroom in a club that was that big. I waited a few seconds and added that most clubs I've been in weren't that big. Definitely not that clean.

    That entire sequence where they were breaking out Lane was the most insane thing ever. Armored car into the water, then motorcycles, cars, boats, and the lady cop thing. When it ended I took a knee. And the anthem wasn't even playing.

    And Lane's voice. Wow.

    Yeah, that fifteen minutes seemed like at least an hour, but whatever.

    Thanks for the shout.

    Oh, one other thing. What religion do I have to be to get into the version of heaven where you arrive home to see your (presumably smiling) wife is waiting for you in bed with a roast beef gyro?

    1. Hundred percent ridiculous.

      It was a most impressive facility, to say the least. what you said to your wife there.

      Beyond insane, man. I didn't take a knee, but I just waited in the lobby till the scene was over. Didn't want to upset anyone, you know?

      So bad/awesome.

      I've always been interested to see if they actually time it out, or if they just assume we're all good with them running way over.


      I'm not sure. Maybe we should start it?

  3. 'And who knows, maybe it'll win an Oscar this year. I mean, it's got great hair and gets good grades. Oh, and I also heard it might be dating the pretty cheerleader, you know, the one running for student council president. So, fingers crossed.' I lost it here, so I couldn't really read anything after that :'D

    End of the world kiss through. So romantic. Why do you hate love???

    (I'm kidding, fuck them)

    1. I think I lost it there, too.

      It's not that I hate love. I just hate that I probably died because of some clown kissing his girl and I didn't even get the two-minute warning to start making out with my wife. I was just typing on this sill blo-------------------------------------