Saturday, August 4, 2018

This is stupid.

Take five minutes and look up the Kyle Maynard story. Go ahead, I'll wait. Hell, you probably won't even need all five of them to believe.

Born with a condition that prevented him from developing limbs, this dude decided at an early age to be an absolute powerhouse. And though I saw his story years ago, it's never left me. Kyle has no arms and no legs. And he wanted to be a MMA fighter. And he did.

While many disabled people simply want to be treated like the rest of us, let's not really kid ourselves, okay? They are not like the rest of us. 

They're better.

While Kyle Maynard fought his entire actual life, in Skyscraper, fellow amputee the fictional Will Sawyer (Dwayne Johnson, continuing his streak of great fun in not-so-great movies), will fight for one incredibly long day. And a helluva day it turns out to be.

After losing his leg in a horrific blast years prior, we meet up with Sawyer as a loving husband and humble father of two, simply trying to make ends meet. He's left the S.W.A.T. team far behind, and is currently running a small security company. Inexplicably, he gets hired by a mysterious zillionaire to determine if there are any security concerns in the world's tallest building, a 225-story behemoth known as The Pearl. Turns out, there's a few. 


Not an hour after his presentation, the seemingly gentle-giant Sawyer straight up murders a dude. Sure, it was in self-defense, but good God this is a man that clearly, is not to be f--ked with. But what do some low-level gangster types do? Something worse than f--king with Sawyer. They f--k with his family. And shocking no one, he ain't exactly having that. And even with one leg, The Rock, yet again, is kicking twice as much ass. 

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Combining elements of Die Hard and The Towering Inferno [review], Skyscraper is just as relentlessly ridiculous as that bananas-ass trailer led you to believe it would be. I took my father-in-law, my son, and my niece and nephew to a Tuesday night showing, and pretty much everybody got what they came for: buttered popcorn and The Rock pulling off more impossible maneuvers in an hour than the Evil Knievel did in a lifetime. While I genuinely wish the Rock could find himself in a good movie, this guy always gives a good show. Skyscraper, with the right expectations, is exactly that.

Not a good show, nor a good time, are the Yays and Boos. In the action/disaster genre, the cheers and jeers are basically one and the same, you know? You just might find yourself clapping your hands while simultaneously rolling your eyes. But them's the rules.

Billy Loomis is gonna be so pissed.
  • If it takes almost dying and losing your leg to meet Neve Campbell, sign me up for the bomb squad asap. (full disclosure, it took me way too long to realize it was her)
  • Wowzers, that was quite the donnybrook with the Rock and his 'friend'. Stop shooting yourself, Stop shooting yourself.
  • Oh, and also regarding that scene, bonus points for all the loud grunting and crashing. Very John Wick-esque.
  • Um, is it possible that Dwayne Johnson is getting...bigger? The guy left absolute f--king monster behind years ago. I'm not even sure what he is anymore. But I love it.
  • I swear, someone must have said We need to get Dwayne on a motorcycle, dammit. And the way it happens? Straight-f--king gold. Seriously. That's what that guy gets for riding by on a motorcycle: shot for absolutely no f--king reason.
  • Hacker Guy foolishly to make himself indispensable. He fails. IMMEDIATELY.
  • The only thing that could possibly have been more ridiculous than how fast Sawyer climbs a crane, would have been the inclusion of a flashback scene where Sawyer wins the Iowa State crane-climbing contest. Fingers crossed it's in the deleted scene on the blu-ray.
  • What happens to that helicopter was amazing. Well, not for the pilot. Or his family. But still, WOW!
  • Duct tape. That shit was always cool, right? Making your little hip wallets and stuff. But here? My God. It's a lifesaver. 
  • Perhaps shockingly, the kids are pretty cool. They handle themselves like absolute champs when the (flaming) shit is hitting the (giant-ass) fan. My kids can't function when it only feels like the walls are coming down. 
  • I'm gonna hold the bridge the steady. Goodness, Rock. I'm gonna hold my pants down.
  • The whole pulling the brakes scene was ridiculously great. But, and you're gonna have to trust me on this one, it's even better when an old elevator guy/your father-in-law enthusiastically tells you how that situation really goes down.
  • I knew there was an f-bomb in this one, and I was nervous. Luckily, the Rock menacingly glared at the man who said it, and we all instantly forgot where we where and what just happened.
  • I'm not sure it makes sense that something would be deliberately installed behind massive turbines, but I'm going to go ahead and fully allow it.
  • Like me, I'm assuming you also love when somebody in custody gets punched. I mean, of course we do. Here? It's so much better. Maybe top-five, top-three. Screw it. Best ever.
  • The only thing cooler than someone getting blown up by a grenade, is someone getting blown up by a grenade in mid-air.
  • And finally, as much as I (clearly/disconcertingly) love the Rock, the MVP of this entire movie is easily Neve Campbell. While I certainly wouldn't want to f--k with Papa Bear, it's Momma Bear you really gotta watch out for. You think a burning building and some douchey side-henches are gonna stop the woman who killed Ghostface more than once? Nakatomi Plaza 2.0 ain't got shit on Woodsboro. Oh, and I dare you to try and talk some shit about her in another language. Hell, I double dare you.
Yep. It's his family we should take hostage. Good call.
  • Um, that dude in the beginning? That made for an interesting conversation with my son on the ride home. Why would someone want to blow up their own family? Uh...
  • My phone's not working. Could you foreshadow it for me?
  • How many seconds does it take not to trust his old army buddy? Two? Three? Damn, dude. Dial it back.
  • The building 3500 feet tall. The report about its problems? Two minutes long. Guys, I've complained for an hour about a handshake. (seriously, what's with f--kers that wanna break your hand?)
  • Why were they on that boat? And why does no one give a shit when he gets robbed two seconds later?
  • If you're an engineer on the world's tallest building...and the wall starts to inexplicably crack open...and you respond with a half-hearted 'weird' you pretty much deserved to be instantly choked to death.
  • Nothing creepy about these hyper-pleasant maintenance workers. Nope. Not in the least.
  • Did I miss something (probably) or...was the floor instantly flammable when water hit it? I was never good at science...or life, honestly...but that seemed rather...odd.
  • We've gotta get to the cleverly-named OFFSITE CONTROL FACILITY. I'm not sure what they do there, but I'm damn sure we need to hurry.
  • And when they get there...seems a bit irresponsible to shoot the entire f--king room to Hell, does it not? 
  • Now I know how my wife feels. At one point, we've reached maximum extension, and it's still getting anyone close to where they need to be.
  • Imagine explaining to your Sergeant that you, a member of an elite police task force, couldn't reach the one-legged perp because he used a bike lock on the door.
  • I think I blinked when Tank uploaded the ability to operate a crane into Sawyer. Whoa. I know heavy construction.
  • When running down stairs while being shot at, I think it's best to stay away from the f--king railing. I could be wrong...but I think hugging the wall makes it a lot less harder for the bullets.
  • Side Cop Lady? You's a real bitch. Who hurt you?
  • Good thing that ornamental little notch thing was there. A quarter mile in the sky. Where the f--king birds wouldn't even see it.
  • I've never been sure how people line up on the runway for a team that just won the championship. But lining up outside of the hospital? Even more baffling.
  • And finally, even though we all knew that would be the solution, I may have actually prayed that it wouldn't come to that. I just turned it off and back on again. Can you do the same thing with my brain? Minus the second part.
Sometimes I lose track of the things I'm supposed to hate, but when I found out that people were pissed that they had Dwayne Johnson playing a disabled person rather than casting a person who is actually disabled, I just about lost my mind. Yes, I get it, we need more representation. But, you know this is fiction, right? It's a movie, and movies have actors in them. And honestly, if you have a problem with the Rock in this movie, you probably need your ass kicked. 

By Kyle Maynard.


  1. This is probably something I'd get drunk and watch on HBO if it ever shows up there. I wonder if The Rock will continue doing his action thing or if he'll try to be taken seriously and join some Oscar bait movie eventually?

    1. I hope he goes for it in a few years. Not like, permanently or anything (like Bill Murray or Steve Carell), but just one crazy dramatic turn would be nuts.

      As for this one, drink up. I'm sure it would be a blast if you were a bit...tipsy.

  2. So glad you mentioned the foreshadowing. It was such a random moment in the start of the movie I knew it was going to come back again at some point later.
    Also, I for one would love to hear from your Father-In-Law just how that elevator scene went down!

    1. Yeah, they really didn't hide that one well. Honestly, there isn't too much subtlety in this script at all, but I didn't mind one way or the other.

      Oh my gosh, the guy is in his mid 70s and I've never seen him come alive as much as when he was talking about the brakes on elevators. According to Pap, there is no way that someone would ever have to manually pull the brakes in a falling elevator...they are built to do that automatically. He went on and on....good times.

  3. The way Bautista is going full retard lately they could have The Rock play Drax, at least that would be something new :) Maybe that version wouldnt verbally abuse the shit out of women

  4. I was praying so hard that THAT wasn't the solution. My eyes rolled so hard when it happened I had to retrieve them from the front row on the way out of the theater. Still, I had a grand time watching The Rock do the most ridiculous shit possible.

    1. Me too, man. Me too. And then not only did she do it, but then she tearfully announced it? I almost cut the power to the whole theater in protest.

      But yes, The Rock doing ridiculous shit is basically where babies come from.