Thursday, September 6, 2018

Promise me you won't ever watch that video.

I guess the hook in the car door is pretty stupid when you think about it. Same for the call that came from inside the house! I'm not even sure how that one's even possible.

And as a kid growing up in Hawai'i, we had the Nightmarchers, who as I recall, were spirits that lined up single file and, well, marched toward you. At night. Even worse, was the local Hawaiian belief that you should never, never ever never, whistle at night, or tiny demon spirit things (menehunes? obake?) would descend upon you, sending you to the depths of madness.

Whatever the legend was around where you grew up, I'm sure in hindsight, it's pretty f--king stupid if given the slightest amount of rational thought. But whatever it is, whatever it is that you and your friends told each about other all those years ago? I absolutely guarantee you one thing.

It's scarier than f--king Slender Man.

Just kidding, of course, as the Slender Man movie is thoroughly f--king terrifying from beginning to end. Assuming, of course, you're afraid of Freddy Krueger. Wait, what?

Possibly the most boring 'horror' film I have ever seen, director Sylvain White's latest had me wishing I was the one who had mysteriously vanished on a high school field trip to the, you guessed it, creepy old cemetery. Based on an urban legend I am infinitely too old to give a f--k about, this suckfest takes every horror trope you've ever known and somehow makes them even more...trope-y. Assuming that's  even a thing/possible. It was summer, and I was a carefree fool, and still, I did all I could to not fall asleep.

Here we have teenage girls doing what teenage girls do: f--king around online late at night. After nervously laughing at some porn, they decide to check out some lame-ass video you're not supposed to watch. Think The Ring but minus all the hair brushing, dead horses and ladder-play. Days later, everybody is having visions of a downtrodden Jack Skellington silently rehearsing This is Halloween in the woods. Big f--king deal, right? Right. Just turn around. Don't look at him. He's in a shitty tux and skulking about like the Cloverfield monster. It's not like he's Jason Momoa Voorhees with his dick hanging out. Assuming you're able to (mostly) stand, it's fair to say you can outmaneuver this lanky a-hole.

Clearly, this is easier said than done, and our fabulous foursome, each more generic than the last, start to turn up missing. Or crazy. Or dead. Um, crazy dead? Honestly, it doesn't even matter, as no one not starring or investing in this movie f--king cares one way or the other. I'm absolutely sure of this.

Oh, wait. do? What's this? What's this?

Usually, I don't post selfies, but...
Obviously, being old, a dude, and having an intermittently functional mind, I'm 0 for 3 in ye old target demographics. Again, this was one of the feature films routinely forced upon to us by Satan MoviePass (a giant red flag, that), so I knew what I was getting into ahead of time. Still, a film that manages to get in front of (potentially) millions of people, should not be this f--king terrible. Bad movies have a responsibility to be the right kind of shitty, and Slender Man not only drops the ball, but then kicks it straight into the genitals of everyone on the planet. 

Honestly, I'm half tempted to re-watch Slender Man again to fully embrace the suck, but maybe I could find a more entertaining way to destroy my will to live. Lately, a couple of minutes of C-SPAN seems to do the trick.

Speaking of things that make me infinitely sad when I think about them, here are the Yays and Boos. Secretly we're hoping for a sequel where after reading a mysterious tweet, the Oogie Boogie appears under your bed and asks if you want to touch his sack. 

That asshole at Two Dollar Cinema said what?
  • The crowd was full of young people... and they were f--king awesome. Hyped in the beginning, furious by the end, I was a fan of these goofy f--kers. Big time.
  • I hated the annoying kid sister (seriously, f--k her), but I had to chuckle at her I'm old enough to be home by myself stance. Ah, remember when that was a thing you cared about? 
  • Slender Man is a basically me at every middle school dance ever. Meaning, he doesn't really do much except hang around in the background. Respectful, right? Right. While this is painfully awkward and not scary 99% of the time, I enjoyed him patiently waiting just off of the soccer field. Like, yeah, he'll kill you and make you lose your mind, but only after we practice corners and flip throw-ins.
  • I've got track. Holy shit I laughed like a f--king asshole after this gem. Their friend is missing, people are losing their minds, but hey, she can't help you. These circles aren't gonna run themselves.
  • No lie, no one, absolutely no one in this town, gives a f--k about Slender Man or missing girls. I mean, who could find the time to worry, with the big high school track meet approaching.
  • Dude Guy, while watching a movie with Extremely Nervous Girl: Do you want me to put something else on? Like what, playa? A condom?
  • Holy shit, the unintentional comedic gold of the combined forces of Creepy Hospital Lady and Gangly Doctor Wearing His Dad's Clothes. You almost have to see how horrible awesome this dynamic duo turns out to be. I think they were supposed to scare us, but I was nothing short of elated to see these two hapless f--kers skulking about the most poorly-lit hospital in the history of modern medicine.
  • But they might not hold a candle to the guy vigorously combing his daughter's hair. In slow motion. Actually, maybe that is creepy when you think about it. I mean, nothing scares me more than having to comb my daughter's hair. (she always looks like I'm trying to pull the hair out of her skull)
  • And finally, there's a certain bit of freedom knowing that whatever I say in this post, you will never, ever confirm any of it. I could tell you there's a part where one of the girls turns into Groot, while another girl inadvertently eats a bucket of slugs...and you'd likely believe both. Or neither. Oh, right. You don't give a f--k either way. Well played, dear reader. Well. Played.
I don't know about you, but I'm scared. Of frogs.
(seriously, f--k frogs)
  • Maybe it's what they're like these days, but holy f--k, this was some bad high-schoolery. How do you do, fellow kids?
  • Ooh, Edgy Girl? So bad. So, so bad. In fact, they all are pretty f--king terrible. I'm not even sure they had auditions, I think they just picked the four girls who stood in the rain the longest.
  • Oh, and the dudes? Average age is probably 31. Which is weird, 'cause that's the same number of times I wanted to off myself during this f--king shitshow.
  • So, click this link and we'll summon a mysterious demon thing? Like, okay!
  • Not the trees! Not the trees! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! My eyes! My eyessssssssss! (worst scary dream ever)
  • Do you hear that? That noise coming from downstairs? Could it b-b-be? Slender Man??? Nope. It's just our dead friend's dad. Mad. And drunk. In our house. Phew. What a relief.
  • Speaking of, why does she go over to the dad's house, asking if there's anything she can do? Got a very pervy vibe here, and twas not a fan of it, indeed.
  • Why must everyone litter their room with rudimentary sketches of whatever is haunting them? I hope my kids never get possessed, as we don't have nearly enough paper for all of that shit. Seriously, I write down pretty much everything I need to on the back of f--king envelopes. Shit, Matty comes across Pennywise and I won't be able to find the sewer bill for a month.
  • They manage to steal their friend's laptop, get into it, and absolutely struggle with the contents of pictures that are 900% Slender Man. Really, ladies? This is what's holding up your investigation? It's a nine foot tall dude without a face. Kind of unique, that.
  • I don't know what's worse, running away from Slender Man, or running into a tree. Oh, wait. I got this. Seeing this f--king movie.
  • Okay, you know what? Don't make me do it myself, f--ker. Choke me the f--k out, fine, but don't have me so loopy that I'm the one squeezing the life out of me, you mind-bending prick.
  • The dudes in my row? They left. Together. About 40 minutes in. Easily the most interesting thing that happened. I mean, were they scared? Or just smart?
  • Someone loses their face. The Boo? It wasn't me.
  • The one chick totally gives off a JGL in 3rd Rock from the Sun vibe. Uh, yeah. Not exactly how I want my scream queen, you know what I mean? 
  • Being a teen-mom has gotta be tough. Especially when your little bundle of joy is literally a bundle. Of sticks? Baby Groot, indeed.
  • Obviously, this movie was made on the cheap. But I'm absolutely certain that I spent more on popcorn, than these bastards spent on lighting. And I didn't get popcorn. 
  • And finally, as much freedom as there is knowing you aren't going to see this (I could pretty much make up anything I wanted to [remember when Slender Man got arrested at Pottery Barn?], there's an equal amount of shame in admitting that I did. Frankly, this was good ol' MoviePass sticking it to me one last time, and for as much as I took them for, I probably deserved it. (but more on that later)
Tomorrow night, The Nun comes out, and it looks to be a legitimately terrifying horror movie from The Conjuring universe. Creepy ass Nun? Jumpscares aplenty? Related to a series of successful films (that I've never seen)? Yeah, hard pass. Maybe once my Sinemia card comes in the mail, I'll change my mind

Besides, it's not like there's really anything scary about the Catholic church, right? No legendary monsters lurking in that universe... 



  1. Ów. We all know I will watch that one. Just wait till you read in today's RF what trash I saw this week. Netflix is my Movie Pass

    Gee if only there was someone who was recomnending you actual good horror films and you actually listened to that person

    1. You'll watch....the Nun? Or this? I think I know...but, you know...ya never know. I'm probably gonna pass on The Nun, myself. I'd hate to start The Conjuring universe with the latest entry, rather than the beginning.

      I know, right? If only there was someone I could trust out there. Someone, who wouldn't steer me into the wrong direction. Say, walking through the desert, in smiley-faced booty shorts....

    2. already saw the Nun it sucked :/ I meant this, also Netflix added Rings so....

      Hard stare.

    3. I am 100% going to watch the Conjuring - just as soon as I catch up from this summer. October will again be nothing but horror, so I'll probably watch the lot of them.

      (And Wolves again)

  2. Yeah, this looks awful.I feel like the timing is a bit awkward too after those girls' murder trial over killing for the Slenderman.

    I had never heard of Slenderman until after that happened, and it seemed like the original game was kind of creepy. It's too bad they couldn't make that work.

    1. I've heard that the documentary is f--ked up, and I was originally interested in seeing it, but I'm not sure I really want to anymore. And yes, it's a f--king shame that the family of that young girl had to deal with this. Luckily, it's f--king terrible and is long gone and forgotten.

      It was a game??? I can't keep up.

  3. OK...your review is hilarious! I will not see this movie and have no desire to. The Nun does look creepy but I do get easily creeped out maybe because I went to a catholic school...

    1. Hahahaha....thank you. I certainly don't recommend it, though just so we're clear, there is absolutely NOTHING scary about this one. Well, outside of the fact that it exists.

      Yeah, my wife went to Catholic School. Scary, to put it mildly...