Sunday, September 2, 2018

Squeaky clean, so to speak.

My cousin Tony used to call it the two dollar theater, because, shocking no one, all the shows were only two bucks. While I'd never (necessarily) turn down a trip to the movies, chances were if a flick had made it to the cheap seats and I hadn't seen it? Well, there was probably a good reason.

But on the off chance we would go? It was always kind of cool, you know? It was like a f--king time machine. Like, Oh, yeah. I remember this. 

Now, uh, can we get the f--k outta here...and go back to the real deal?

During the height of MoviePass' extended period of good f--king luck seeing a movie tonight, my wife and I managed to catch Ocean's 8 at our local two-dollar theater a few weeks back. But being that it's 2018 and not 1998, make that the five dollar theater, we caught Ocean's 8 at. That spy movie with Kelso's girlfriend was going to get us home too late, so we basically had no other choice.

And while maybe it truly was the sticky floors and broken chairs of the once-esteemed South York Cinema, let's just say the whole evening felt dated and unnecessary. Even if I was surrounded by eight, er, nine lovely ladies...

Debbie Ocean has just got out of jail, and instead of drifting about and getting a job as a school bus driver like every other ex-con, she immediately swan dives back into her sexy, criminal lifestyle. In lieu of push-ups and finding religion, Danny Ocean's sister planned and schemed her next big score for every day of her five-year sentence. She's run the numbers over and over, and apparently, her math isn't just good, it's f--king exceptional. All she has to do is put together a rag-tag crew of one-trick ponies, and bickety-bam, justice, vengeance and maybe even a little decadence are hers for the taking. The only problem? Oh, right.

There is no problem.

Turns out, there is a dude in this one. I know, I didn't notice him at first, either.
(He's on the right. Like, way to the right of Anne Hathaway. He's there. Promise.)
While I'm all for a slew of iconic women doing hot shit in cool ways, I found Ocean's 8 pretty much underwhelming. Most of the characters are fun, sure, and the episodic nature of acquiring each member is always a good time, but the whole thing was never in jeopardy, you know? Yes, Debbie has this f--ker planned inside and out (the same way my wife plans my days off [kidding...not really]), which is fine, but good God, you'd think something could go wrong once? 

Live footage of all the people who have ever visited Two Dollar Cinema.
Speaking of things going wrong often, here are the Yays and Boos. I actually suggested to my wife that her and I return to the old theater again and she, perhaps surprisingly, was vehemently opposed. Her reason? It was dirty. [pause, her voice lowered slightly]. And I couldn't see. 

Leaked stills from the upcoming all female Fight Club remake. 
I am Jack's ample bosom.
  • My goodness, Cate Blanchett is a fox. Holy moly. Bonus points for her looking like a playable character in Tekken 8. 
  • It ain't Pitt and Clooney, but I'm cool with Elliot Gould and a certain other dude making brief cameos, even if time has ravaged their bodies.
  • Ah, but Father Time has not ravaged a bit of that sexy mama Anne Hathaway, who's as lovely (and hot) and fantastic as ever. Here, playing starlet Daphne Kluger, Hathaway does what she does so well: cold and hard on the outside, but insecure as Hell on the inside. Easily my favorite character. Easily.
  • Though a ways back, second place goes to Sarah Paulson and her character, Tammy. This nice lady might seem a bit mild-mannered and timid, right? Uh, yeah, till we find out she's basically the head of a f--king empire. Now don't forget you lunch, kids!
  • Okay, the glasses scanning bit was total nonsense, but it might have been the only non-cleavage related time where my face wasn't stuck on did someone just fart?
  • And speaking of the damn necklace, was it just me, or was the trying on scene 900% R-rated. My goodness, those old theaters have the worst air conditioners, totally had to take my pants off for a minute, just to cool down.
  • Blonde Sandra Bullock talking to Heidi Klum? A guest appearance by Katie Holmes? Is this Ocean's 8 or Boner Jams '03? *fans himself like southern belle*
  • It's almost a Boo that James Corden's a Yay, you know? Like, he was really good here.
  • And finally, all kidding aside, I really enjoyed how part of the plan was to hire these old actresses to aid in the selling of the shit that Debbie's crew lifted. It's such a simple thing, but perfectly clever and a real f--k you to anyone willing to take advantage of not only a lady, but an older one at that. Well played, everyone. That was some good stuff, right there.
When the sun shines, we shine together.
Told you I'll be here forever.
  • Girl, that's quite a lot of makeup for a parole hearing, no? Debbie's looking so fresh, they might decide to keep her locked up...(if 90s prison movies taught me anything).
  • I totally dig Rihanna, I do, but I thought her character was laughably bad. 
  • But even worse? Her kid a magnet expert? Really? 
  • Wait. There's an e-mail that can be sent that allows someone to watch what you're doing real-time? *puts tape over webcam*
  • I'm really glad that Deb got back at that guy. Really glad. Especially considering what he did to her. You know. That thing. At the restaurant. With the Feds. That thing I didn't understand. At all.
  • Hey, speaking of Deb, how many scenes do we only get to see one of her eyes? Hold on, I know this one: all of them, matey. All of them.
  • I swear to God, for a minute, I was convinced that this movie, like this post, would never, ever end.
  • When we were talking about this movie the other day, my wife shuddered at the mention of seeing this at the second-run theater (it's really not that bad). I tried to reassure her, right? Hey, the popcorn was good, right? Her eyes narrowed: We brought our own popcorn in. FROM THE OTHER THEATER. (there's a lot to unpack here, guys, but best we keep it moving)
  • And finally, I think they really missed the boat not having Danny show up at the end. That would have been so dope. Fine. Maybe having Clooney pop up undermines the whole thing, but it would have been so f--king rad. Like, not only do we get this massive shared universe, and a surprise ending, but well, we're also getting a Gravity reunion while were at it. Imagine, at some cool restaurant in the city, Deb folds back her newspaper to see Danny sitting across from her. He smiles. She sneers. He gets up to leave. Debbie: I'm not letting you go, we're fine. END SCENE. 
It's not that I'm even a huge fan of the original (re-make) trilogy, but looking back at it now, I would say that I certainly prefer the first film, Ocean's Eleven, to every other Ocean's-related flick so far, including this one. Maybe this latest female-led ensemble wasn't as inspired as the first one, or maybe I'm giving the old Clooney one too much credit to begin with. Frankly, I have no idea either way.

But what I do know? I definitely saw Soderbergh's flick when it first came out back in 2001. And I definitely paid full price to see it in a legit theater the first chance I got.

But, between you and me? I'm not 100% sure if my wife was with me or not (we would have been dating for about a year at that point). Honestly, I don't remember. And that?

Well, that could be a problem...


  1. You brought your wife to some shittty, sticky cinema and you brought smuggled popcorn with you and she still talks to you? That woman is a saint

    And yes wtf Clooney has time to entertain the royals and make coffee commercials but cannot be bothered to show up here?

  2. We actually still have a $2 theater in these parts. Well, $2.25, but still. And yeah, it's all sticky floors and stained upholstery.

    As for the movie, yeah, you hit the nail on the head. That includes the Clooney thing. I just knew he was pop out of hiding during that last scene. I was so pissed when it wasn't him. Sigh.

    1. Hahahaha....stained upholstery. Had we made it in time for my wife to get a good look...yeah...we'd probably have u-turned the Hell outta there.

      Totally agree. Needed George in the worst way. Dammit, man!

  3. Our "$2 theater" here is so questionable that I always forget to go. Their showtimes suck too.

    I never cared for the original ocean movies, so I didn't watch this one either, even though I would like to support Blanchett and Kaling.

    Awkwafina's name always looks so ridiculous on posters lol

    1. I think ours might fall into the realm of questionable, but it's more old than dirty. At least, that's what I tell myself. And their showtimes are decent, but no lie, half their shit you could also get at Redbox.

      (but right now? they have BLINDSPOTTING...what the f--k? [I just learned, right now])

      Eh, with lowered expectations (and it being waaaay after the fact), you might dig it.

  4. I thought this was a lot of fun to watch, but then again I've never seen the original ones. Can't believe there wasn't a twist, or like, anything going wrong at all, but I found that kind of empowering. Like fuck yeah women will do the same Clooney and co, but without an issue. Is it good for film? I don't know, I was too busy ogling Anne Hathaway.

    1. Look, I have no problem with the idea that a plan crafted by a women is air-tight and meticulous to the letter (my wife anticipates EVERYTHING that could possibly happen ever), but it doesn't exactly make for compelling cinema.

      But what will certainly make one lean forward? Anne Hathaway. My goodness. Just...*crumbles into heap on the floor*...

  5. Oh, I so wanted this to be great instead of a yawn. No, I haven't seen it but have heard enough and, even with the trailers, it looks like a bore. Why is Rihanna in this? Could they not get someone who can actually act? Where is Lupito?? Why does Sandra Bullock look like she has had her face stretched with charcoal around her eyes so they look like 2 pissholes in the snow? I will see this for Cat Blanchett but I don't have high hopes.

    1. HAhahahaha...this is hysterical. 'Two pissholes in the snow' is straight magic.

      I'm not sure what they were going for here, as the style and the sexiness are fun, but it is truly without conflict. Perhaps the point that while Danny Ocean was a master criminal, it turns out his sister is even better. That's fine, but without having them together, that rivalry never really amounts to much.

      As for Rihanna? Um...she's pretty sexy, right? So...there's that? I never saw her performance in Battleship, but I'm assuming it's nothing short of stellar.

      Blanchett? Yes, please.

  6. Love this review. "I swear to God, for a minute, I was convinced that this movie, like this post, would never, ever end." That made me crack up because it was so true (about the film, not your post!). That, mixed with the complete lack of conflict and tension, made this movie pretty silly, to me. But, you know, oh well.

    1. Thanks, man.

      As for this flick, EXACTLY. I know it wasn't really aiming for anything higher than what it was, but with so much talent on screen, it would have been nice, you know? I hear peril is all the rage in good stories. They should totally check that out sometime.

      That said, do you think they make another one? 9 and 10?