I have nothing to prove to you.

There's a difference between being alive in the 90s and growing up in the 90s. Thankfully, I did both.
In fact, I went from 11 to 20 in the greatest decade ever. Not bad, you know? Not bad at all.

Something called the internet was becoming a thing (cue the spine-tingling dial up noise), babies had backs for f--k's sake, and the greatest era of modern cinema was upon us (fight me).

But more important? Hell, most important? I was young. I was impressionable. And I had hair. Lots of it. And it wasn't just me, either, rocking a luxurious mane. Nick Fury had something he could comb, too. Hair he could actually touch. Hair he could actually see.

With both of his eyes.

Though it's been only a few weeks since I've seen Captain Marvel, there's little I actually remember about it. As the twenty-first film in Marvel's endless quest for universal dominance, it didn't exactly do a lot to stand out from the rest, but at this point, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Yet another person with yet another murky personal history, will rise to defeat, well, yet another not so powerful villain. But this time, you guys...there's a cat.

And he's adorable.

Mostly.

Set in the mid90s (though thankfully absent that weird looking kid and his skateboard), Captain Marvel initially takes place far from home, er, Earth, and opens on a beautiful planet named Hala. Vers (a fairly bad-ass Brie Larson) is a young soldier training under the guidance of Yon-Rogg (Jude Law at his most Jude Lawliest), trying to control what appears to be her immense powers. Think Qui-Gon and Anakin, assuming Ani was a bit older, a woman, and infinitely less prone to sounding like a frustrated sexbot.

Anyway, after shit goes sideways on a rescue mission against some shape-shifting a-holes known as the Skrulls, Vers ends up ass-deep in un-rewound copies of True Lies, bringing her intergalactic fight to southern California. There, she meets some government agents no one has ever heard of before, Agent Fury and Agent Caulson, and attests to some impending that's about to go down. Oh, word? Word.

I think I'll go embarrass myself with Goose.

In the meantime, there's this whole thing with her malfunctioning memory, some flashbacks about a Top Gun type school that unfortunately don't feature Maverick or Iceman (though that would have been rad, depending on which Iceman we're talking about), her ex-partner and her daughter, oh, and I'm pretty sure Annete Benning makes about 9,000 two-second appearances. It's not that hard to follow, it's just a bit hard to...care.

Good thing Captain Marvel eventually figures out her troubled past and kicks so much ass it makes sense that Fury texted her mid-death. I'm still not exactly sure how she's stronger than say, the motherf--king god of thunder (uh, and lightning), but I'm legit shitting myself imagining the two of them fighting side-by-side.

She's also thinking that guy looks like Michael Jackson in Thriller.

This flick is a good time, sure, but it's also like your server vividly explaining what exactly the chef is doing back there before bringing out the meal of your life. Yeah, that sounds great Corey, but can we just do this already? I'm hungry enough to eat your skull.

Speaking of the unfortunate side effects of hunger, here are the Yays and Boos. My son and I have already secured our seats for the first showing of Endgame. Well, I have, anyway. If someone in a wheelchair shows up, we'll have to give up one our seats. Don't worry about Matty. I'm sure he can find his way back to my car (he's got three hours to find it).

Being the a-hole that I clearly am...
....I actually laughed out loud at this.

Yaaaaaaa...

...aaaaaaaay!

• Aw, that beginning tribute to Stan Lee was perfection.
• It's hard to decide which costume/suit is the best, but go ahead and pencil me in for dive gear. So badass...
• As was that initial battle against the Skrulls. Absolute chaos!
• Was that... a shaka? (and why am I crying?)
• Uh, even though it looks a little bit like how can we make this look more 90s!?!?, I'll take Brie Larson in a Guns 'N Roses (/NIN) shirt any day. Jackpot.
• Okay, let's be real for a minute: the best superpower ever...might just be metal arms.
• For decades, I would go with You guys going to a volleyball game or something? But now? If I want to give you shit about what your wearing? Might have to mention that you're dressed for laser tag just to freshen up being a prick.
• Holy shit! Now I get why Kevin Smith said he was crying. That was such a cool idea for Stan's cameo...
• Speaking of movies with rad soundtracks, I'd actually purchase Captain Marvel's...if I didn't already own all those songs 900 different ways.
• Even if I wasn't entirely sure that was Clark Gregg (was he dipped in wax?), I'll take more of Agent Coulson how ever I can get it.
• Lashana Lynch, as Carol's friend Rambeau, actually gives a nice performance, you know? Like, she gets to actually say things at a reasonable volume and have feelings. I was a fan.
• The only way that space fight could have been better? If Wall-E went zipping by with his fire extinguisher or Princess Leia's space corpse somehow entered the fray. Look, it's all owned by Disney. F--k canon.
• And, that's exactly how you end a climactic battle. Like that. *snaps fingers* Oh, right...
• Goose, is like, peak cat. He's adorable. And he's also a giant f--ker who can't really be trusted.
• And finally, while I wasn't overwhelmed, or even underwhelmed (can you be just whelmed?), my son was ecstatic at the end. Without the slightest bit of hesitation, he turns to me, almost demanding. Ten, right? It was so good. Um, yeah, man. Just don't hurt me.

Super pumped for this Karate Kid reboot.

Booooooo...

...oooooooo!

• I want you to be the best version of yourself. Yeah, f--k people who talk like this.
• Djimon! Thank God, he's alive. I'd only assumed he'd thrown himself of a cliff after fishing with McConaughey.
• Why does it always have to be probing? Can't we scan or some shit? 
• Is is just me, or do Skrulls sound like Irish dock workers?
• Aw, look at the adorable little Skrulls. Can't wait to see them again in my soul-crushing nightmares.
• Cardboard cut out or not, shooting Arnold's head off is the most major of party fouls.
• It's a real shit-hole. Well, yeah. But still...
• Punching an old lady in the face? Movie magic. But that old lady? She was anything but. (could she have looked worse?)
• Who wants to look at an alien's junk? I mean, if it was a naked woman...fine. But alien wiener? No thanks. Regular dicks are awful enough.
• You can just call...space? 
• Oh, Ronan. What's it like being an infinitely less cool Darth Maul?
• Last time we talked, I ended up hanging from my ankles. *spits out drink* I'm sorry?
• The fact that part of my brain released a feeling resembling nostalgia when the internet was loading...is...quite pathetic? But dammit...those were the days, right?
• Dude, that rainbow suit was FRESH. Why must we shun such beauty?
• And finally, guys, I get it, but Just a Girl? Too obvious. And overdone. Cornflake Girl would have been clutch (and weird, I'll admit). Or screw the timeline, and hit us with Fiona Apple's Criminal. You Outta Know could've worked too. Anything but Just a Girl...

Captain Marvel takes place in 1995, the year I turned 16. Which, if I can be quite honest with you, makes me so happy. I used to just sit around, watching movies on VHS and listening to the eight CD's I'd just ordered FOR A PENNY (as long as I promise to buy four more at regular club prices). *sigh* 1995 was such a great year. 

Until, of course, you do the math and realize...that was twenty four years ago. 

Oh, God. That mean's I'm ...

*puts in Pulp Fiction, cranks Dookie*