You will not stand out in any way.

The formula is easy. Watch the BBC, find something charming, take out most of the magic, bring it to America and boom - cash some goddamn checks. Done and done. Let silly Yanks think they've discovered something amazing, while savvy Brits look on, knowing better.

There's countless examples of this (The Office, House of Cards, Three's Company (!?!), etc.), but being that I'm married to a (sexy) ninety-year old woman, the one that really gets my goat is The Great British Bake Off. Er, the American version...that is. I mean, why would you ever mess with perfection and localize this lovely show? Americans, aren't charming. Or affable.

And good luck finding someone as sexy as Ruby in the States.

While I'm clearly deficient with the written word, and despite growing up in a kitchen, I'm even worse with food. But even I don't think I could f--k up a recipe that called for both Chris Hemsworth and Tessa Thompson as bad as Men in Black: International did. Or is it does?

Oh, right. Like this film, nobody cares.

When Molly (Thompson) was a little girl, an alien ended up in her bedroom while being pursued by some low-level Men In Black agents (couldn't get a Will Smith cameo, huh? Or even borrow that creepy digital version from the upcoming Gemini Man?). Her parents get their memories wiped with that stainless steel vibrator thing, but Molly, foreshadowing her resourcefulness, ducks it, and sends the alien on its way. And ever since that night, she's been obsessed with becoming an agent...of a branch of government that doesn't technically exist. Huh.

Two (film) minutes later, however, she's not only in the Men In Black, but assigned to the international division and partnered with Thor, who is basically a top-shelf a-hole/overwhelming departmental liability. Seems this hotshot once saved the world with the guy from Taken, and hasn't really done shit since. Think Lebowski Thor, but a version who still shows up to work. Uh, and obviously, the gym (f--k me, this dude is handsome).

Go ahead and take your lunch, Mr. Tailor Guy. Your work here is done.

Eventually, moderate alien-related highjinks ensue and our two, surprise!, polar-opposite agents end up embroiled in something akin to a whodunit, as it would appear there's a mole in the M.I.B. Honestly, no one really cares about any of this (Thompson and Hemsworth included), and whatever tangential charm that might exist outside of the 'story' is violently sucked off the screen by a tiny creature known as Pawney (Kumail Nanjiani, cranking the droll to eleven). This little f--ker, while possibly not entirely horrible, is what you'd likely find under the bed nine months after Scrappy-Doo had mostly consensual sex with the Great Gazoo. *shudder*

Speaking of things that drag down an otherwise delightful time, here are the Yays and Boos for the fourth Men In Black film. My dental hygienist claims she loves these movies, but she was also convinced they'd only made two films so far (and she had the third film as the only sequel). I nodded along in agreement, only because the alternative was to eat her hands.

I'm not even sure who I'd rather be...

Yaaaaaaay!

• Hemsworth, at times, seems to be enjoying himself....so that's...nice?
• Even though at times she gives off a weird Michael Jackson vibe...my goodness Tessa Thompson is gorgeous. (and apparently, so is MJ???)
• Not since Space Channel 5 have I been so down for aliens dancing in the club. Ulala, indeed.
• While they may have ruined just about everything else, there are two things this film managed to not screw up: the tech and the aliens.
• Speaking of, Beard Alien was so frickin' cool, I might have to get one of those, you know? Outside of living to 900, might be the only way I ever get that much coverage.
• The bit where they pull their car apart and shoot at the Ying Yang twins was shockingly...engaging. Like, for a second...I was...interested? Whaaaaat?
• And finally, even if she looked like all The Bangles combined, Rebecca Ferguson, yet again, is simply too sexy to function (wait, it's me that can't function due to her sexiness). Yes, this movie blows, hard, but her brief appearance all but guarantees a re-watch. I'm not sure if she had three arms or if I had three legs, but whatever the Hell happened...it was incredible. I think.

That helmet looks a bit like a football, right?
Makes you wonder how far you could punt him...

Boooooooo!

• If I remember correctly, and I probably don't...Agent H (for Hemsworth)...bangs a weird alien lady? Uh...this is for kids, right?
• Seriously, this movie is oddly sexual at times. Like, overtly. Not just my pathetic lusting after Thompson and Ferguson.
• [unrelated (I hope), but the people next to me were talking the entire time, like as soon as they sat down during the trailers...till they left...half-way through...TO GO TO THE BACK OF THE THEATER!?!]
• Those twin villains could have been cool. But they weren't. Made me long for those albino dudes from The Matrix (and I hated those floaty bastards)...
• At one point, the Men In Black can't find other agents...because they are ducking. Uh huh.
• Oh you f--kers had me - you did. Totally thought the movie was over. But it kept going.
• I haven't really mentioned that Liam Neeson is in this, and it's with good reason. Short of the moment he inexplicably turns into the Cloverfield monster, he's just doing what he always does...while waiting for that Cold Pursuit check to clear.
• And finally, clearly, I'm not the target audience for Men In Black: Whatever, and between you and me, I never liked any of these films. But, it actually hurts my soul as a movie fan (/huge asshole) that this is what we got instead of the oft-rumored mash-up/crossover with the 21 Jumpstreet films. Had we somehow had Tatum and Hill in the Men In Black universe, I'm convinced it would have been absolute magic. Instead...we got Pawney. 

To be fair, while we've stolen, er, borrowed heavily from across the pond, it's not like it's been a one-way street. Or, uh, voyage? 

Apparently, for television, the UK has remade some outright American classics. If I can trust the internet...the list of remakes includes shows such as Double Dare, Jersey Shore, Teen Mom and even The Apprentice. 

While I'd like to say you're welcome, Britain...the more I look at that list...I'm thinking We're sorry would be more fitting. 

Perhaps a piece of this perfectly baked swiss roll will cheer you up?