You should've considered my happiness too.

Whether it's my wallet, Matty's water bottle, Violet's you-name-it (do all six year-old girls have a million items in two million locations), my wife can locate anything that anyone needs at any time. If tasked to make a list of what I like about her by a dick-sucking mediator, this uncanny ability of hers to remember the location of everything would certainly make the cut. Uh, among (many) other things.

But me? Dad? I can be standing in the fridge and totally unable to find the f--king milk. 

It's staring me right in the goddamn face, but even with my eyes wide open...sometimes? 

I still can't see it. 

Yeah, that's f--king cool as Hell.

As a last ditch effort to see all the Best Picture nominees before the Oscars last Sunday, my wife and I amicably decided to watch Marriage Story together. Written and directed by Noah Baumbach, this Netflix exclusive is an exhaustive (and exhausting) look at the end of a marriage. Sounds fun, right?

Actually, it is, kind of, as seeing Adam Driver do just about anything is a good time. Combining a forlorn Kylo Ren with two-plus hours of peak ScarJo is straight-up dream casting. Frankly, Marriage Story is an exceedingly intimate film that would have been nothing short of tedious without such a stellar cast.

Driver plays Charlie, a stage director on the cusp of breakout success. Charlie's play is getting rave reviews, and his genius is readily apparent, but some of that success can surely be attributed to his leading lady both on-stage and off, Nicole (Johansson). Years ago, Charlie and Nicole were probably the couple everyone wanted to be (/do [I mean, c'mon]), but when we meet them, the wheels have fallen off their marriage and Nicole is looking to head west with their young son, Henry. Charlie is blindsided by her heading to California, but you get the sense that everything that happens outside of the play is news to him.

Obviously, if you've ever read anything on this site, I'm incredibly knowledgeable in two areas: jack and shit. That said, I honestly can't wrap my mind around the fact that Marriage Story scored a nomination for Best Picture, as the whole thing felt like an amalgamation between stage play and a top-tier Hallmark production. [okay, I'm being a dick, but was it just me or did it literally look like a badass student film from 1991?] The performances, as I've said, are captivating, but at no point did all these good arguments make for great cinema. 

Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish like his father.

Speaking of good but not great, here are the recently divorced Yays and Boos. It's been a tough couple of years for these two, as everyone who knows them, knows them as a couple. Of a-holes.

Instead of swinging him lovingly, I was hoping they'd combine super powers
and launch him into the ocean. From here.

Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

• Now, everyone is going to find something to relate to here, but the fact that Nicole never drinks the tea that she makes? I almost shit.
• I don't think I eat like that, but the montage of Driver stuffing his face f--king killed me (though, that's pretty much my brother, dead-on).
• Wait, Julie Hagerty is still an option? Why isn't she in everything?? I love everything about her, here. Her rules, her voice, her dead, gay husband.
• Even though I passionately object to her supporting win, Laura Dern kicks so much ass here. Sure, she basically did a better version of this character in the second season of Big Little Lies, but I still loved it (even if she was only in the flick for what, eight minutes?).
• Pooping is it's own reward. Honestly, truer words have never been spoken. 
• I don't remember Nicole's sister's name, but that lady was a bit of a strange bird, no? I liked her nervous energy, for sure, but what a goofball.
• Where were you staying? Dude, that line was pretty much the most low-key Mortal Kombat finishing move ever. Rips your heart out, without throwing a punch!
• Ray Liotta! I had no idea he showed up. And even when I saw his face, I had no idea.
• Man, is there anything better than Alan Alda? Wait, I know this one. It's Alan Alda giving someone a hug.
• Do you observe married people? I laughed so f--king hard, it was embarrassing.
• Tying his shoelace? Aw.
• And finally, the scene, the big argument scene, was even better than advertised. It was kind of weird how they weren't all that mean to each other, but still fully engaging (and cringe-worthy). But then, then, Charlie goes full Hiroshima and ends the whole thing with an absolute f--king bomb of a statement and I'm pretty sure I reflexively ducked.

This looks like my college apartment.
Except fancier.

Booooooooooo!

• It was never that bad, personally, but seeing Henry basically follow Charlie from floor to bed brought back some painfully fond memories (I think I slept on the floor of my son's room for over a year).
• I love my wife, but I don't think either of us would ever want to work together. And doing so as our marriage dissolves? Can you imagine?
• Is it the lighting? Did they shoot this with Marty McFly's camcorder? Why did it look so...unpolished? I'm sure the lack of shine enhances the gritty realism, but it made me think someone replaced my HDMI with a f--king composite cable.
• When Nicole tells her grand version of events, the whole thing felt...lacking. Maybe the absence of a point was the point, or maybe I went full douche-husband and just tuned her out. Either way, it's a no from me, dawg.
• Young Henry is a bit of a dick, right? Like, kid. Your dad is in Star Wars for f--k's sake. Stop being such a shit and enjoy Halloween 2. 
• Industry types will probably roll their sky-blue eyes at this, but, uh, Charlie? You are in the theater business, right? It's not like she wants to move to f--king Boise. I'm sure you could make it happen in Los Angeles, yeah?
• The social worker lady (or whatever the Hell she was) was yet another odd bird, right? While I appreciated her awkwardness, I couldn't handle watching her watch Charlie 'help' Henry with his homework. It stresses me out just thinking about that scene.
• But worse? Waaaaaay f--king worse? Was the awful, awful scene where Charlie accidentally cuts himself. I could live to be two hundred years old, and I will never be able to forget how painful that scene is on multiple fronts. I don't think I've ever felt such real pity for a fake person in my life. (but when the door thing happens, it immediately went from tragedy to comedy)
• What the f--k, is this a musical now? I don't understand.
• What genre is this movie? I'm all in on horror. *thinks about divorce and divorce process* *shudders*
• And finally, speaking of not understanding, I felt like your typical Academy voter, being that I was somewhat unable to handle the timeline in Marriage Story. Like, it felt like a lot of time was passing, but this damn little kid ain't exactly getting older, you know? What are we looking at here, months? Years? Shocking no one, I couldn't keep it straight.

Personally, I don't plan on ever getting a divorce, but then again, I'm assuming, neither did my parents. Marriage Story may not have been the emotional roller-coaster I was expecting, it was much more of a logistical roadmap than I ever anticipated. If I ever do end up going through a bitter divorce, this one would probably be worth watching again on Netflix.

Assuming I could actually find it.