The Dump #4: Christmas Break '19

Christmas Break is one of the best times of the school year. I mean, it's right up there with Spring Break and Thanksgiving Break.

With the holidays comes not only the much-needed respite from hormonal twelve-year olds, but also a break from the drudgery that comes from the daily grind. Practices are cancelled, games are called-off, meeting postponed, as gifts need to be bought, gingerbread men demand to be iced.

Traditionally, I head into the ten day vacation with lofty goals like sleeping more and actually playing my XBOX, but this year I was willing to give up both in the name of watching more movies.

Uh, about that...

Monday the 23rd: While Violet was singing Christmas carols in a local surgical rehab facility (where her great-uncle was laid up, coincidentally), I managed to catch the first 19 minutes of The Rise of Skywalker. Apparently, that wasn't enough big-budgeted buffoonery, as later that night, likely too late in fact, I returned to the cinema to check out Jumanji: The Next Level. Honestly, I wasn't a big fan of the first one [review], but the Rock is great (and sexy) and Gillan is sexy (and great), so why not roll the dice on the sequel? Well...

Shocking no one, it's more of the same, but with someone making the inexplicable decision to have the Rock do his best Danny DeVito for six-plus hours (felt it). Outside of some pretty rad baboon-related chaos, all that I can remember about this flick is that voice. That godforsaken voice. It's not that the Brahma Bull does a bad New York (?) accent, it's just totally overstays its welcome. Good thing Kevin Hart nails it as Danny Glover, which oddly enough may have been my favorite part of the movie. Other than Gillan. Sweet, sweet Gillan...

Everybody knows it, Howard.
Give KG the f--king rock and let him do his thing.

Thursday the 26th: Somehow, I managed to not only jailbreak it to have diner breakfast with my heterosexual life partner Mr. Grunden, but we also doubled down and hit up Uncut Gems post eggs, rye toast and homefries. While the day after Christmas for two veteran teachers should be peak relaxation, seemingly any minute spent with Adam Sandler's Howard Ratner was anything but. Stressful and chaotic is putting it mildly, as this movie is essentially a two-hour cardiac event. Howard is this intermittently loveable diamond dealer, whose life seems to require cortisol in lieu of oxygen. And any moment where you think this guy might finally get ahead, that's exactly when you should brace yourself for impact. And Julia Fox's ass. 

I absolutely loved Uncut Gems (dude, KG), but I don't think I could ever sit through it again. Crushed that the Sandman didn't get an Oscar nod, no doubt, but glad he gets to stop wearing suits. I was beyond baffled that it got zero award love, but it seems some dopes on Twitter despise it, so maybe I'm the asshole here?

Ladies, all that forearm? Don't give the fellas the wrong idea.

Sunday the 29th: Break was winding down and the whimsy of the upcoming new year was in full effect. Sure, we all know that New Year's is just another day, but this was that time on the calendar where anything is possible gives a firm handshake to the reality of life. Little Women, the most intimate of epics, embodies this crossroads fully. The March girls, in all their hopes and dreams, are in constant battle with the hard realities of life in post-Civil War America. Shamefully, I wasn't very familiar with this story (I'm basically a caveperson), but left the theater twirling about and declaring to my fellow patrons to do come back and see again. Okay, not quite, but still.

Little Women is straight movie magic and I double-dare anyone to see it and not fall immediately in love with everyone involved. And if you're a dude, you're already in love with Emma Watson, so nice work on the headstart there, chief.. I found Florence Pugh as Amy March to be the MVP of both the film and the family, and that's not because I know better than to ever slight her, here, there, or the occasional international pie cook off. Clearly, Pugh rules, but let's be sure to say how good Saorise is. Uh, in everything.

It's been over a month (um, the longest month in the history of time), so I'm going to severely abbreviate the Yays and Boos. In fact, I'm not even going to identify the movie, but you're as smart as you are sexy, so this shouldn't be too hard for ya...

I forget her name, but I'm pretty sure it's not Julia Gulia.

Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

• Okay, you can't really hate a movie where anyone rightfully punches an ostrich. 
• Goddammit. I want to hate this shit, and there's a dance battle. You know I'm powerless against those.
• Holy shit, was that Mike Francesa? Dude looks good!
• That orange hoodie was so dope.
• They have the golden arches, but they sure as Hell don't have a cameo in Uncut Gems. Awesome.
• That glass door showdown was almost at Duel of the Fates level of utter f--king madness.
• I don't want to be the one guy that loved the one guy in a movie loaded with top-tier female performances, but, uh, Timothee Chalamet was f--king great. Okay, fine, the French dude ruled, too. So did the dad. *runs*
• Laura Dern is/was/will always be tremendous. Nothing will ever unseat Ellie Sattler and her extremely high (yet rather long) shorts, but Momma March's awesomeness is pretty damn close.
• I think it was meant this way. Ouch.
• The printing process was magical. Seriously. I could have watched that all day. 
• And finally, good or bad, there's nothing quite like seeing movies at Christmas time. Yeah, it's cold as Hell and everyone's exhausted, but, uh, it's not like we've got anywhere to be the next day. Other than potentially back at the movies (never happened, but the dream was always there)

This is the exact moment when the cast realized...
...they've got to come back and make another one.

Boooooooooooo!

• What kind of video game is this? I mean, other than terrible?
• No one cares about this old man conflict. Probably not even Lilith.
• Wait, what? A f--king horse is a character?
• I think I got the murder seat and that's way f--ked up.
• As a teacher who solely works on weekdays, this is the only time I will ever say this, but, uh, f--k The Weekend. Handsy prick.
• That was the meanest thing that anyone has ever said to anyone, ever. Holy shit, Adele Dazeem's f--king ruthless.
• So, here I am, trying to hold it together, and finally exhaling for half a breath, and that's how this story is going to end? Harsh.
• Jesus, even Streep's corpse can deliver a convincing performance. Impressive.
• I can't get over my disappointment of being a girl. Aw.
• Poor John. No, seriously. F--king John is so f--king poor, it was embarrassing. (they're so mean about this steady, coat-less man!)
• Poor Beth, too. But, silly girl, everyone knows you should never ever help anyone or you'll die a miserable death. 
• Jo, uh...this whole candlelight book writing seems, at best, precarious, and at worse straight up arson.
• And finally, that golden dick himself, Oscar has got me feeling some kind of way. First, Gerwig should have been a lock for Best Director, and it's f--king pathetic how hard she got shafted. And equally offensive? Uncut Gems got the same number of nominations as f--king Jumanji 2. Which, as Margaret so eloquently put it, was f--k all.

Well, friends, the sad news is that Christmas Break is long over. But at this point, so is January. Spring Break isn't really a thing anymore (especially when it snows), so dare we set our sights on summer so soon? Should we start a countdown already (other than the one in my head). Nah, not is only is that probably a bad idea...

...but it's probably the next time I'll post.