I'm gonna need to give this a think, I think.

Once - pretty sure it was one time - I snooped around before Christmas. Fine, maybe twice. Three times. Whatever.

Anyway, my mom had an errand of some sort, and as soon as I saw her white Jetta carefully back down our narrow driveway, I instantly became (a much less handsome) Ethan Hunt. With the Mission: Impossible music in my head (though at low volume, in case she forgot something) I swooped into my parents room to gather intel. No boxes moved, no wires tripped. The Sega Genesis I had dreamed of was buried in the back...and in a few short days, it would be mine. Oh, yes.

I'm not proud of this, mind you, as it was probably one of the sneakiest things I ever did at Christmas time. But sometimes, during the holidays, you never know what you might find in the closet, right?

Or, on the rare occasion, who.

Wait a sec. That introduction sounds like I might be implying that I'm gay, which with how much I love Dan Levy...is a distinct possibility. Eh, actually, it's not me flip-flopping in regards to my sexuality that we're concerned about, but instead Mackenzie Davis' character Harper, the protagonist in Hulu's latest holiday offering, Happiest Season. 

While watching the massive Davis routinely bite her lip over whether or not she really, really loves KStew wouldn't ordinarily be something I'd sign up for on opening night, you throw in any amount of Dan Levy (and Alison Brie and Aubrey Plaza) and not only will I be there, but for some reason, with motherf--king bells on. (I looked up the origin of this statement and it still doesn't really make sense)

Coming home for the holidays is frightening enough, but combine that with coming out for the holidays, and just like that, you've got yourself the edgiest Hallmark movie ever. At least that's what Happiest Season feels like...initially, you know, like those schmaltzy silly flicks where Candace Cameron gets amnesia hanging stockings or whatever. 

Here, thanks in large part to Stewart bringing some (emotional) weight to the ensuing hilarity, things take a dramatic turn and the whole affair settles into something a bit more...realistic. A tiny bit...plausible? Oh, it still has all the hallmarks of a, well, Hallmark flick, but I was more than a little bit surprised at how vested I was in this gingerbread-flavored ridiculousness. Levy's the easy one to blame (did I mention I love that guy?), but Plaza's small role was pretty clutch, too. 

Not gonna lie, I'm not too well-versed in lesbian fashion...
...but I thought KStew totally nailed the cartoon bank robber look here.

Despite having a pretty silly plot (Dad's a shoe-in for mayor, see, if only we can get the daggum town influencer to put in a good word!), and pretty silly characters (Middle Sis is a bit much, Mom is Satan with bangs) who check all kinds of [progressive?] boxes, I felt genuine human emotion toward during Happiest Season, and it wasn't just the usual duo of rage and bewilderment that standard holiday fare elicits. I could mention to you that I actually got a little teary-eyed toward the end, but then I'd have to kill you, and that's no way to roll into mid-December, assuming a confirmed homicide guarantees naughty-list status, right?

Speaking of things Santa might want to keep an eye on, here are the Yays and Boos. We all know that they haven't been good this year...or any...but I'm still going to get them something for Christmas. Techincally, jackshit is something, yeah?

The coat, the hair it's all so lovely. Oh, and Stewart's nice, too.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• Yo, Clea DuVall directed this? The girl from The Faculty? That's fantastic! (and also explains Jane's killer Josh Hartnett adoration)
• My wife and I watched this, start-to-finish on Thanksgiving, which, due to the raging pandemic, we made with our own two/four hands start-to-finish. The highest of high-fives on each front, you know?
• Holy shit, Alison Brie is so sexy. I may or may not have found myself balls-deep in some weird Brie appreciation section of reddit later than evening. Oh, and that was after catching her on Kimmel.
• Whoa...back-to-back movies with Jonah from Veep? What a time to be alive.
• Whoever the dreamy ex-boyfriend guy was, some dude named Connor, I think, holy shit did my wife hate him. Like, she took it all oddly personal, which was really weird...and hysterical. She usually keeps pretty quiet during movies, but she was like f--k that guy on more than one occasion. (and nothing he says or does warrants such venom)
• I don't even remember it at this point, but apparently I liked all the wine bottles breaking??? Trust me, I wasn't drunk...I'm just old. And stupid.
• If you've seen two minutes of Schitt's Creek you know that Levy's delivery of well, everything, is hysterical, and I don't think I laughed louder than when he said 'a thousand?' in response to how much he benches, I almost pissed myself.
• Whoa, Jane's painting was really nice, actually. And screw these ladies for trashing it (and her, honestly).
• Levy's speech to Stewart was really well-written. I don't remember what he said, sure, but it was a highlight, I'm sure.
• As was Aubrey Plaza, who initially seems like she's going to suck, but her character ends up an easy co-MVP of the whole story. I definitely need more Plaza in my life, especially, casual Plaza (menacing, sarcastic Plaza is wonderful, sure, but also...slightly scary?).
• Typically, in movies like this, surprises are few and far between, but Stewart's character, Abby, does something I really, really didn't see coming and I was beyond shocked. Like, what? Did she really just do that?
• And finally, there's just something magical about watching a movie on Thanksgiving night, when not only is your family healthy and (moderately) happy, your kids are asleep, but also you know you have a couple of days off ahead of you and the heavy lifting of the week is behind you. Clearly, my wife and I have tons to be thankful for, and this moment probably shouldn't even crack the top twenty, but it felt good, I'm gonna mention it anyway.

Pretty sure Abby was still not officially gay at this point...
*reading glasses at edge of nose*...uh huh.

Boooooooo!

• Oh, man...coming home to your girlfriend's house and sleeping in separate rooms? That shit takes me back.
• It's such a cheap knock, I know, but holy f--king shit is Davis a goddamnned giant. Casting her opposite Stewart made her look like f--king John Coffee in the Green Mile. Honestly. All I want for Christmas is to see her to bring Mr. Jingles back to life with her super lungs.
• Was this movie filmed in 1985? What town would never vote for a guy with a gay daughter? Is this still a thing? Our country voted (twice) for the actual Devil, but Bumf--k, Connecticut can't stand for it's Mayor to have a gay kid? The f--k is this?
• Did I already mention that Mom is a huge bitch? I did, didn't I. Well, no sense mentioning it again, how much of a bitch she is. It'd be pointless.
• Speaking of pointless, who casts Levy and has him appear in the film for seven minutes? What the shit is this?
• The set up is that Mom is the worst (and she is), but who knew Dad's the real villain? Certainly not me (full disclosure, I tend to side with Dad in every movie ever...not sure why).
• Oooh, almost forgot to mention that I hated those damn kids. Phew.
• And finally, even though I legitimately liked this movie, the whole point of it feels entirely...off-target. Harper (Davis, all 7 feet of her) is basically a terrible person. Sure, she's dealing with some shit (we all are), but she seems to deal with uncertainty by being a f--king monster. At almost no point in the film are we rooting for her and Abby to end up together. In fact, when Abby starts getting cozy with Plaza (Riley, I think), it was all rainbows and unicorns. Then Harper stomps over and ruins everything, womp womp.

Friends, we have less than three weeks from Christmas! Three weeks! Exciting, right? F--k it, I'm pumped. Not only because Christmas is, indeed, the best time of the year, but also to get some much needed time off from Zoom school (I hate it so much), and, obviously, the fact that the end of 2020 is in sight.

Maybe my wife and I can watch some more holiday movies, which would be the greatest. Or, and this is a big or, maybe I can just play a shit-ton of Xbox (guys, Yakuza: Like a Dragon is so effing weird). Yeah, this holiday season, I got the new system ahead of time.

Didn't even have to go in (and out of) the closet to do so.