I've just told you to f--k off twice, yet you're still here.

At some point in your life, you've said something you regret. It could have been stupid, offensive, hurtful, misguided, uninformed or even my personal specialty, all of the above.

Sometimes you can get lucky and know you f--ked up right away, but in other situations it takes time for the combination of words your big, dumb brain and your big, dumb mouth shat out to get you in trouble. 

Could be a day or two...

...or even the better part of a decade.

I wish I could tell you the exact day and time that blogging legend (/wielder of sharpened knives) Margaret from cinematic corner. recommended that yours truly check out the 2009 ass-kicker, In the Loop, and I wish I could tell you what I said in response, but after pouring through over five-plus years of comments...I've got nothing. I bet I said something flippantly like, of course I'll check that out, and also of course, I absolutely did not. 

UNTIL NOW.

(turns out I'm not the only mostly-agreeable asshole saying things that would have major unintended consequences)

After rather casually saying that conflict in the Middle East was unforeseeable during an interview, Simon Foster (Tom Hollander, absolutely killing it) draws the Sauron-like stare and ire from Malcolm Tucker (Peter Capaldi, my absolute f--king hero), the Director of Communications for the Prime Minister. Tucker tells Foster to toe the line, which is government code for talk, but don't say a goddamned thing, you f--king twat. Oh, and that's not a direct quote. I cleaned it up a bit.

Unrelentingly (and hilariously), things immediately spiral completely out of control for Simon, not only because he simply can't get out of his own way (he's a bit of a doofus), but also because he works in government. Meaning, if people aren't f--king up, they're f--king each other. Literally, or over, take your pick.

I don't know how anybody ever kept a straight face making this film.

While being stabbed in the eye 900 times with an ice-pick or shot in the balls with a machine gun might be apt metaphors, comedically speaking of course, the best way to describe this one hundred and five minute verbal assault is to imagine a feature-length episode of HBO's Veep on cocaine (you or the movie, I'm not sure). While all the key players have something to gain, not many of them seem to have a f--king clue or absolutely no one gives a f--k about who they hurt along the way. The verbal barrage never slows down, nor do the laughs. The late James Gandolfini shows up as an angry general, and he might be the only one to back off the incessant psychological onslaught. And that's only because he looks like he wants to legitimately eat whoever has (currently) pissed him off.

Though over a decade old, this f--ker couldn't any more timeless, because two things will always be true: the government will always be full of assholes and it will never not be exhilarating seeing them tear each other apart. I tried writing down the best insults, but I'd have been better off just downloading the script.

Speaking of mean-spirited words I can't seem to get enough of, here are the Yays and Boos for In the Loop. Because it's so f--king dense with insults, I pretty much had to watch this movie twice in a row just to catch half of them, and then the next day, because I couldn't help myself, I found myself ending just about every sentence with f--k off. 

This is Toby's like, second day on the job?

Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• For a movie that is basically just a series of conversations, this f--king thing moves at a blistering pace. It honestly felt like it was forty-minutes long.
• Being that I've never been able to spell diarrhea correctly anyway, I guess it'll be referred to ass spraying mayhem from now on, huh?
• Your swearing doesn't impress me. F--king Judy is an absolute champ.
• Wow, Amy from Veep and Gabe from The Office? We've got all kinds of low-key MVPs here, haven't we?
• In terms of mean-spirited deliciousness, there are two things that will always make me laugh: never getting someone's name right (like, they're so worthless f--k learning their name) and never listening to what anyone says. Maybe I love these things so much is because at my job, I absolutely have to do both of these things all f--king day (and with children, no less).
• Oh my God, their Judy impressions almost made me cry. As did referring to her as 'Leakey F--king Mingebox'
• Okay, is there anything worse than someone bleeding from their teeth??? F--k me, it starts out pretty bad, and then it's just a f--king murder scene...(poor Karen).
• Yo, is there really a better night than eating dinner pantless and watching a shark documentary? Well, fine. Top five anyway...
• Your assistant? Hahahaha.
• So, pretty much every line that Peter Capaldi spits out is the greatest thing ever, but there's this particular rant he goes on that almost took my life. He's so mad about meeting with this young staffer in the U.S government between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers, he furiously mentions a master race of gifted toddlers and I don't honestly think I'll ever stop laughing about it.
• I'm not a hundred percent sure what Jamie's (Paul Higgins) role is, but holy shit this guy enters the frame like a f--king shark and never, ever dials it back. It's...tremendous.
• Take your sweeties and f--k off was almost my favorite line until F star star c-nt.
• And finally, I have been talking out of my ass for years, visiting sites, hearing about cool movies and saying, I'm definitely going to watch this - it sounds amazing! and then doing f--k-all and re-watching Pitch Perfect 3 for the ninety-first time like an asshole. But Margaret would never let the fact that I was watching all this other shit dissuade her from f--king calling me out and essentially threatening my life if I didn't (eventually) watch In the Loop. Sure, she's recommended me some dogshit over the years (the one about the one-legged girl in the emoji pants comes to mind), but this f--ker is an absolute classic and I never would have seen it without her persistence. So this Yay? It's all hers.

This dude and his f--king wall, is impossibly hysterical.

Booooooo!

• Let them eat cock. Hahaha...so harsh.
• Now, it's f--king hysterical because I'm not the one on the phone, but holy shit, when Malcolm calls again? That's the shit nightmares are made of.
• The White Stripes - outside. I actually love this line more than actual people I know, but I'm pissed because I didn't get it at first...either.
• They just alter the records of official meeting so blatantly, it's equal parts funny and horrifying. (I love that they are framing the revisions around intent)
• Toby, what the f--k? How could you? (though I love how they just laugh at him when they find out)
• Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat f--k. My word. If I had pearls, I would have clutched them.
• And finally, even though it might have legitimately killed Capaldi (and me, if I'm honest), I think we were robbed of some more face time with Malcolm. Seriously, this guy is maybe, top ten biggest f--king pricks in cinematic history, and there are stretches where we don't get to enjoy him at all. I guess he's like the shark in Jaws, where even he's not there he is, but I would have loved a couple more scenes where he eviscerates everyone and everything within a thirty-yard radius.

Holy shit, you guys. Ho-ly shit. I not only watched In the Loop, but I finished my post about it, too. Is this what it feels like to run a marathon? Climb Everest? Have the respect of my friends and colleagues? Cause whatever this feeling is...it feels good. Real good. I said I would do something...and I did it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...there's no need to bring up the fact that it took me something like seven years to complete a task I could have done in seven hours, because mentioning that right now? At this very moment? 

That would be stupid, offensive, hurtful, misguided, uninformed or, you know...

all of the above.