You may find Narnia a more savage place than you remember.

It used to be horror. Then action. Or a combination of the two. And that carried me for years. 

In college it was typically comedy, though that VHS of Pam and Tommy wasn't all that hilarious. My professors had me dabble in the classics, which was appreciated, but didn't really stick. But my all-time favorite genre of film? Like, the tippy top of the Paramount mountain?

End-of-the-Year cinema.

Oh, 2020-21 academic school year, how I've hated you so. While staying at home for more than half of the school year should've made you a contender for Best Year Ever, somehow, you dropped the ball big time. With multiple COVID outbreaks in my homeroom, the death-by-a-thousand-cuts component of concurrent teaching (teaching online and in-person simultaneously), and more general assholery than one should endure in two lifetimes, more than once I was looking for an escape from reality. And during the last week of school, thank Aslan, I found it.

Earlier in the year, the district-approved curriculum somehow allowed the viewing of Disney's The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (after reading the novel, obvs). Shockingly, it went over fairly well, despite the fact that some kids were unable to correlate the two (someone actually said, aloud, WHAT? ASLAN WAS A LION!!??). While I attempted to parlay the movie interest into the blasphemous idea of 'maybe you should read some of the other books' (which I said with the same inflection I'd have if suggesting 'maybe you should eat a baby'), it didn't work. At all. But some of the more studious students did inquire if there were more movies. So there's that...

When the last week of school finally/mercilessly rolled around, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian was an obvious choice to shut the door on 2020-21. And oddly enough, this sequel perfectly encapsulated the last ten months of my life: pure chaos and overwhelming nonsense, start-to-finish. 

Hundreds of [magical] years have passed since the Pevensie kids trotted out of Narnia and into Spare Oom, and when they are magically summoned back, their once-kingdom is in absolute ruin. Gone are the White Witch and her Oompa Loompa sidekick, Deep Roy, and in their place, a tyrant in waiting, some fairly generic dude named Lord Miraz. There may still be fantastical beasts, but nobody knows where to find them, as belief in all things magical has disappeared entirely. The bears are less talky, more bitey than anyone remembers, and no one's seen a talking lion without asking themselves if they can or cannot feel the love tonight first..

I haven't laughed this hard at a bear since early-season Conan O-Brien's...

The titular Prince Caspian is on the run, but with the begrudging help of Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy, he may not have to go all that far. The plan is to round up what's left of true Narnians, and have a lengthy meal and discuss policy, both domestic and foreign. Wait, that's not it. Instead, everyone is going to fight, then fight a little bit more, with decapitated heads rolling about. Literally. 

But mostly off screen.

What should also be probably kept away from the eyes of children (within the confines of a public school anyway), are the Yays and Boos. Good thing I write them using human words, so we definitely won't have to worry about corrupting the delicate minds of youth. That and the fact that they're all pretty much f--king Tik-tok obsessed lunatics regardless.

I guess when you go back to Narnia your clothes change too?

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

• Usually I dread a two-and-a-half hour children's movie. Usually.
• Maybe not totally needed in a room full of middle-schoolers, regardless, even I was kind of stoked when Edmund jumped in to help his brother from getting his ass kicked (though Peter was handling himself, let's be honest).
• After essentially being relegated to a Killer Kroc level of 'team usefulness,' Susan levels up tremendously. I think she had at least two confirmed kills before half my kids even realized we were watching a movie (there's nothing better/worse than when a kid finally realizes we're not doing work twenty minutes in). Oh, and shoutout to her quiver, as its infinite capacity comes in pretty clutch (she never runs out, ever).
• Peter Dinklage shows up, to my utter delight, but the kids had a hard time placing him. All I could come up with? He was in Elf. Someone's reply? Was he the elf?
• Eventually, things settle down between the Pevensie kids and Caspian and a sneak-attack is planned to pre-emptively defeat the main bad guy. Anyway, the plan is a midnight raid and honestly, it's kind of cool. These giant bird things are dropping our crew in from the sky and it's shockingly badass.
• Unshockingly enough, the raid goes south and tons of magical creatures have to be sacrificed (it's fairl...emotional, if I'm honest) so the main characters can escape. But in all that carnage, the true MVP is born, let's call him Random Minotaur Guy. This mfer is the ultimate team player, let me tell ya...
• Oh, and at some point, Dinklage is tossed over a wall, and without being too much of a dick, it's amazing.
• I don't know what minute it happens in, but holy crap, there's a quick cut to a gasping bear that is straight comedic gold. The news the characters found out is fairly devastating and the inclusion of this bear's reaction undermines all of it so perfectly, we were all laughing (even the kid who still didn't know we were watching a movie).
• Had I got fired, it might have been kind of a Boo, but the checks are still coming, so I guess we can heartily applaud the level of violence, implied or otherwise. No lie, the body count is high and at least ten dudes got their throats slit, which is absolutely wild for a family film. 
• And finally, speaking of wild, I have never laughed/cried harder professionally speaking than with this moment near the end of the film that sees the Pevensie children leave Narnia again and return to modern-day England. Ramon, this heavy-set duder in the back row (who never did a thing in Zoom school, but was totally engaged when we went back), upon taking in visual of Narnia vanishing, loudly announced, YO, THAT TRANSITION WAS FIRE. And I. Just. About. Died.

And my axe! Er, sword. Dagger? 

Boooooooooo!

• Man, all I had access to was a frickin' DVD player (checked out from the library [in 2019]) and can I tell you, 480p suuuuuuucks so very hard.
• My 2020-2021 motto was No thanks, and it totally applied to all things high council. Like, guys, no one cares about your treaty, your people, nothing. Just make with the swords and the gasping bears, pronto.
• There's some little CGI talking-mouse guy that I think we're supposed to love, but I just wanted Stuart Little to drop into frame and cut his snarky ass in half from aboard a sailboat piloted by a young Johnathan Lipnicki.
• Okay, there are some pretty sext lady Centaurs but for whatever reason, while the male ones are very much naked, the female variety are wearing mid-century mom vests? What the shit is this? I'll take Unadorned Hairy Lady Horse Breasts for $400, Alex.
• C.S. Lewis pretty much called the modern-day GOP, didn't he? I mean, this anti-Narnian contingent is not only grossly incompetent, they hate foreigners, but they are also destroying the environment to build an unnecessary war machine. Um, check, check...and checkity-check, right?
• Turns out if if you like hearing dialogue, a room full of bored middle-schoolers ain't an ideal setting to watch a movie you've never seen before. Who knew? 
• There's a point, late, where the Narnians and the Pevensie kids appear to be doomed, right? But they have a plan, and man, is it ridiculous. Basically, the good guys destroy the tunnels underneath the battlefield...by bashing the pillars holding it up. While they, themselves are in the tunnels. It's like cutting someone's brakes after the car's run you over...or something. I don't know, screw you.
• Not really sure what was going on with Giant Water Jesus, but he shows up, and does stuff, and I got confused. And scared.
• Speaking of, from the Princess Leia Can Fly [In Space?] department, apparently Aslan can regrow your tail for you? What the what? If I believe in him/Jesus, can I get a bigger...
• And finally, while Prince Caspian was enjoyable enough, I'm not sure End-of-the-Year Cinema will ever be a thing again. Not because I'm quitting teaching or anything (ooh, but imagine!), but that I don't think my future students will be able to handle anything over ten minutes in length. Any time this movie slowed down for a second someone would ask, Can we skip this part? It's boringgggg. Imagine, school's out in like two days, and you're complaining you're bored. Hopefully summer school will be far more entertaining...

Turns out, I will actually never show this movie again, because today, yes this very day, I just received official confirmation that I am no longer a Communication Arts teacher, but instead, after lobbying for years, I have been 'downgraded' to the untested subject of Social Studies (that girlish squeal you just heard in the distance was overwhelming relief leaving my body). Yep. No more novels for Mr. Brown. 

But movies? Movies just might be able to stay. As long as they're relevant to the particular ancient cultures we'll inevitably study. *looks over curriculum* [just kidding...there isn't one]

Okay, I think I've found some good ones:

Year One

Gods of Egypt

The China Syndrome

Get Him to the Greek

Room in Rome

Yep. These should be fine.