Thursday, June 24, 2021

Assume catastrophe. Act accordingly.

You ever have a bad day? Like a monumentally shit day? Not just regular shitty, but shitty to a degree where with time, you almost appreciate how f--king terrible the whole day turned out to be? One of those that's so f--ked up, something that would have been day-ruining on a previous day, doesn't even crack the top five.

When I was little, maybe six or seven, my mom was in a really bad car accident (with my older brothers [and their idiot friend] in tow, no less). Her Jetta was totaled and her back was pretty f--ked up, too. I remember our old neighbor Mr. Brown had to pick me up at school, and I was super hesitant to get in his car. When he said, get in, your mom has been in an accident (for real, in the 80s, this is how all kidnap movies started) I was like f--k this (while fastening my seatbelt, naturally). Anyway, when I got home, word was my brothers were fine, and Mom would be coming home later that night.

Or she would have, had she not rented a car after being discharged, and then immediately having that one totaled, too. For f--k's sake...

But in a movie? Two major car accidents ain't nothing. In a movie, you could literally get struck by lightning...

...and it wouldn't even make your day unlucky.

Oh, Those Who Wish Me Dead, with that immense pedigree, I had the highest of hopes for you. And while you were definitely ...entertaining... as all Tyler Sheriden flicks are, you also felt a bit ridiculous, too. Which, when compared to his previous efforts, was a bit of a new wrinkle, you know?

Straight up, I hold Sheriden's Wind River [review] and Hell or High Water [review] in the highest of high regards, but this HBO Max-Angelina Jolie romp falls unfortunately short of the previously established gold standard. The good news? Even if it's a bit of a bummer, it ain't for a lack of trying. No lie, this motherf--ker goes down swinging the way Christian Grey f--ks: hard. (and, um honestly, a bit awkward at times)

It's going to be a helluva day for Jolie's Hannah Faber, a badass smokejumper who, when not rocking extreme PTSD, probably secretes Red Bull by the sexy gallon. After crashing a firefighter graduation/full-on bro jamboree, again, things quickly go Lara Croft-style (pointy) tits up, and ol' Hannah ends up embroiled in the dilliest of pickles. In a few short hours, she'll go from being haunted by demons to hunted by hitmen, all in the effort to save some punk kid. Fine, the kid's a good enough dude, but the losses on his behalf will be huge.

Even though it's late-model Jolie, I'd still risk burning my face off for a midnight swim...

It would appear that some forensic accountant (pretty sure I got that right) guy knows some shit he shouldn't, and after two goons blow the absolute shit out of the district attorney's house, this dude figures out he's next. He doesn't seem to have a plan outside of taking his son and hitting the road. Where you or I might flee to a crowded Applebee's to lay-low for awhile with some breadsticks, this pair head to the woods where dad's brother-in-law is the sheriff. Normally, the isolation of the woods might not sound like the best idea to avoid being savagely murdered, but the sheriff is played Jon Bernthal, and in his handsome arms, could anything bad ever happen? *rewatches Wind River* Ah, f--k. 

Who will also protect you til their ineveitable death, are the Yays and Boos. While I haven't been watching all that many movies in the last year, let me tell you, I still remember how to do it. My wife? Holy shit. She was gasping like it was her first time in a theater and a black and white locomotive was bearing down on her.

I'm not even sure which one I'd rather kiss on the mouth.
  • Yo, that initial house explosion was absolutely bananas. Exploding bananas, apparently.
  • Honestly, I knew nothing about the cast in this one, so was stoked as Hell when JB showed up. Why this guy isn't in everything will always be a mystery to me.
  • Everybody loves a pregnant woman, right? The glow, the general badass-ness of fostering life - it's amazing. But even better than creating lives? F--king taking them. (this woman is a got-damned legend)
  • Don't really remember what happened, but I noted he burns INSTANTLY and I'm assuming it was one of the two evil pricks and it was wonderful
  • Waking up in a smoldering river with Angelina Jolie? Please and thanks.
  • Man, my wife wanted some answers at the end of this movie, and I was overjoyed that I wasn't the one that needed to provide them (honestly, 80% of the time my wife asks me a question I should know the answer to, it's like I've just awoken from a decades-long coma).
  • And finally, I know that public opinion of Jolie has swayed over the years, but I was fairly stoked to spend a couple of (silly) hours with her. I have no idea what to expect from The Eternals, but I'm in.

This was a weird fifty-five seconds, I'll be honest.
  • Why does every group of loudmouth assholes always remind me of Armageddon? (that movie came out almost twenty-five years ago)
  • What the f--k was that parachuting out of the back of a pickup truck bit? Was Stiles' box truck unavailable for surfing on the roof of?
  • Okay, that was the most tense-ass horse-petting I've even been a part of and just a hearty no thank you to all of  that shit.
  • These henchmen are pretty legit (there's no quit in these f--kers), but also pretty shitty, too. Like, they just shoot that random lady in her truck for no good reason at all. Pretty sure they could have sent her on her way...without a bullet in her face.
  • Speaking of, even if you're trying to kill a couple of people because the boss asked you to, I can't really get behind setting an entire forest on fire to kickstart the process, you know? Feels a bit...short-sighted, perhaps?
  • As someone who has definitely been there before, just seeing f--king peroxide liberally applied on a major rope burn is beyond cringe-worthy. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
  • We're really gonna rough up a visibly pregnant woman, guys? That's your play here?
  • Kind of burying the lead a bit, but Jolie gets struck by lightning, and handles it better than I would watching someone get struck by lightning.
  • Bernthal's Sheriff Ethan makes a really bizarre stand here, and it fails so hard I almost had to laugh. Not that I would, mind you...but almost...
  • Sorry, it feels like most of my jeering is aimed toward the hench guys, but my eyes damn near rolled out of my head when these two f-ckos climb two massive adjacent trees just to be even bigger pricks.
  • Nicholas Hoult plays Patrick, the more frightening of the hired killers (despite someone probably calling him Pat [or Patty] as some point in his life), and there's a scene where he lays such a beating on Angelina Jolie, I was hoping a flaming log would somehow end up falling on his dick. Exclusively. We're gonna need his balls unharmed in case the lightning starts up again...
  • There's no rush. *knife quietly slides into my heart*
  • And finally, and I think I've said this before, but do these HBO Max big-name picture drops kind of all suck because I'm watching them in my house instead of the theater, or did Warner's whole slate just totally underwhelm? I don't know what's going on here, but if I can be honest with you, my status for some of the upcoming releases? Concerned.
You made it to the end of this post - congratulations! Not only are you my personal hero, but think about it...the rest of your day? Oh, it's all uphill from here. You f--king did it, you've survived the worst of the worst, I promise.

But if you do head out later?

Buckle up.


  1. This is going to be one of those movies that stays on my watch list forever. It sounds interesting enough for it to earn a place on that list, but everything else is going to get watched first.

    1. Your 'watch list' is probably right where this one needs to be, though, in fairness, you could do a lot worse. It certainly has it's share of craziness (it'll never bore you...I think), but it's not required viewing by any stretch.

      Thanks for stopping by, Allie.